I'm not one of those desperate women who feel incomplete without a man. No, I have been feeling very complete lately, despite being single. I don't know anything else. And that's exactly what I have been a little worried about.
Ok. Two things.
First: Will I - provided I find that elusive thing called mutual love - be able to adjust myself to him? Will I want to be with him often enough to satisfy him? Or will I want to get away a lot to walk and dream and write and think by myself? Will I be able to sleep with another person in my bed? To plan my days with him in mind, and maybe even his family? At the moment, while I long to be in love and experience this part of life that has passed me by so far, I also feel like it would be a great strain, and too stressful to keep up.
When I imagine myself in love and happy with a boyfriend, a part of me already imagines the end, and coming back in relief to the solitude I know.
And, secondly: What about ballet? Right now, I have class five days a week, and I would do more if I had classes available (and more money). A boyfriend might want to see me longer than an hour between work and class, or class and bed. I fear being torn between two loves once I HAVE two loves.
I fear being so much in love that I will give up dance and lose all my hard-earned skills. But I also fear being alone forever, never knowing true love. I don't want either.
I love ballet because it calls to me. Because it is a way of experiencing beauty not only in my soul, but also in my body. But it is an expression of joy and love, life-affirming things. It should not require sacrificing another, (I imagine) equally beautiful and uplifting part of my life: human love.
The few amateurs I know of who are as obsessed with ballet as I am, Johanna from Pointe till you drop, Rebecca from Twitter and Dave who tries ballet, all appear to be single. Is it impossible to combine love, intense ballet and work?
Maybe it could work if I find a man who dances, too. But since all the guys in my classes are slightly creepy... I'll pass for the moment.
