Found!

I feel extraordinarily strange at the moment. My sisters found my blog. And they read it. And they showed it to our mother.

I immediately changed the address and some names, and hope they can't find it anymore.

I never expected this. Once again, I have underestimated my sisters. I was excited about the blog and mentioned it several times, and I teased them when we were arguing, saying (jokingly) that I was writing bad things about them. But I didn't think they would really look for it, and if they did, I was sure they wouldn't find it. Stupidly I had overlooked their names in a few places when I first published some old journal entries. They had been changed in the meantime, but Google had "read" the old ones, and so they found me.

Damn. It came out of nowhere, I had just come home from class yesterday. Mam confronted me. At first I couldn't believe it, I thought it was a joke.

They had read the post called Sisters, and while it was unkind and rant-y, it was nowhere near as bad as Mam let on. Yes, I should have written "plain" instead of "rather ugly" in describing Diane's face, it would sound nicer. She says that about herself all the time, by the way. And I should have left out the b-word. But I was furious and had to "write it out". As for Sina's weight gain, she told me herself that she was afraid to weigh herself and that her clothes no longer fit her. I hadn't even noticed before.

Mam acted as though I had put up names, addresses and nude photos of my sisters together with my rant. Well, I did NOT. I would NEVER do such a thing, not to my greatest enemy. There is a difference in ranting about people so that everybody knows who they are, like on facebook, and ranting anonymously, even though the whole world COULD read it. That's what I was doing. The blog was never meant for family and friends, or people who know me personally. I wanted to put my thoughts "out there", yes, but anonymously. If I had wanted to tell those things to my family, I would have done so. I didn't. They are my thoughts, and strangers may read them, but not people who know me.

At first, I felt guilty because, if somebody who knew us very well and searched specifically for some names and places like my sisters did, they COULD have found the blog, too. But the longer I think about it, the more I am convinced that I am the wronged one. After all, there were only a few negative points about my sisters to be read here, versus half my soul.

I feel violated. Threatened.

I had felt safe. I must have felt safe to put those things online. Because if I had really wanted them to read it, I wouldn't feel so naked and embarrassed now. Those things I wrote were not for the eyes of people who DISLIKE me, like my sisters. Now my enemies have read my secret thoughts, had a glimpse into several private rooms of my soul. Good, beautiful thoughts, mean and hateful ones, tender, private ones... all ruined by unfriendly eyes.

I was STUPID. Stupid to let slip so much, stupid to think they didn't care.They always seem so brainless, lying in front of the tv apathetically. I let myself be fooled.

I dread going home, seeing them.
I can't speak to them. There is nothing left to say.

My whole family has turned against me, and through their glasses, they can't see my reality. I tried to explain to Mam last night, she didn't see.

I really wish they could see THIS post. Would they understand? No.
Let's face it, we are not the same. I am apart from them.

Sisters! A Rant.

I am furious right now. My little sister, Sina, is the most hateful, rude and humourless bitch person I ever met. I had such a lovely evening, a cosy chat in the kitchen with my mother, a little harp practice session, some tv-watching in the dusk. I was looking forward to the first family meal since last Sunday's breakfast. But she had to go and be horribly rude to me because I said something (and I am absolutely certain Diane got that it was meant as a humorous reference, although she denied it later and took Sina's part as always), and threaten to throw her food into my face (!) if I mentioned it again. She is 21, by the way, and, apparently, intelligent. This set off Papa, who began to scream at the top of his voice, like a mindless ape, that we should be quiet (how ironic!). I was so ashamed of him. And angry with Sina. She has been rude to me for weeks, but especially tonight. Everything I say or do sets her off, and her reactions are totally disproportionate to any (perceived) annoyances or insults.

I am not without faults, but this is going too far. I REFUSE to be spoken to like that. I walked away and stopped my ears with music in my room. In between songs I heard them arguing in the kitchen. Papa is still behaving like a petulant child, banging things apparently because I told him there was no need to scream like a mindless ape (it is true!).

Really, I had NO intention of offending or criticizing Sina. I made a humorous comment about her old, faded and tattered polar fleece jacket, which I had been objecting to for years. Last winter, I had been serious. I thought it was not fit to be worn anymore. But not this time. If I search my feelings, I was really just joking. I know by now that I will never be able to make Sina change her mind about something if I criticize or scold her.

I don't know what is the matter with her. But it doesn't matter whether she is afraid of something, in love, stressed or sad, as long as she doesn't tell us that something is wrong, she has no right to behave like that. If she came and told me she was having a difficult time and that was the reason for her short temper, I would make allowances. But I feel like she has been like this for the past two to three years. And lately, it has got really bad. When I ask her, she says everything is all right.

I just thought of something: What if it is my weight loss? She has been putting on quite a bit of weight over the last years, and I have been losing weight since the spring. Maybe she is jealous. Diane sometimes appears to be jealous, too. She is thin though, but her face is plain and she has very low self-esteem... Hmmm. I need to think about that.

I would rather become thin and have my sisters be mean to me than the other way around. I am working and making my own money. I am dancing a lot. I am taking an interest in my appearance. I am getting more confident and grown-up. I am thinking, and singing and enjoying life. They might resent that, but I won't tone myself down to make them comfortable. At last, I am learning to be who I really am. And adding to who I am. I will not be stopped.

From now on, I will watch my every word to my sisters. I'll make it a game. I'll show off a little, but make it appear to be completely unconscious. It'll be fun. Let's see what will happen tomorrow.

Petrified

I have spent a frustrating week. I wasted so much time because I was afraid to study. I had some nice moments too, like the afternoon in Es and the afternoon in Bi and the day full of tea and thunderstorms.

Yesterday, I had an amazing class. It wasn't that I was particularly good, I just felt challenged and inspired in equal measures. I had the intention to just go for it and I did it. It was so nice and I really had the feeling that I was dancing.

But then I got home and ate much too much and felt sick and lethargic. I became extremely tired and went to bed and slept for some hours. Then tonight I slept for about 9 hours again. I don't know whether it has anything to do with my asking my guides, hs and angels to reach me and teach me and work on me to make me more open, conscious and to reach my goals.

Oh, how I wish it was easter sunday again! And how I wish I could enjoy AND use my free time more! I just seem to sit for hours at my computer, living vicariously through forums and blogs, learning things about life by only reading about them instead of living them. I am so afraid of bad feelings, doubt, failure etc, that I am petrified! I feel cut off from the world, trying to hide my fears. I feel deaf and blind, like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Nothing is secure, I feel uprooted. Questions like "Where am I going to work, where am I going to live, how much am I going to earn, who is going to be with me?" are all still unanswered. There is a bend in the road of my life and it is approaching fast and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner. It is unsettling! I hate that state.
Now I'm crying. I felt those tears inside me for some time. Maybe the feelings will pass once I aknowledge them. But it hurts, I am afraid..

I cried for a few minutes. I felt fear, stress, anger, insecurity. I also think I felt a presence behind me, very subtly, I just knew somebody was there to comfort me. Maybe I just imagined it because I have been reading about angels. But I firmly believe in them and it is so comforting! I feel calmer now. Mam is having coffee and I'm going to join her, have tea and chocolate and be with my family for a while. It will do me good.

Then I will prepare for my job interview and then I will study! It will be good and all my heavenly helpers will help me!

Petulant

Last week I was ill and lying in front of the tv all day from Monday to Thursday. Although I wasn't feeling well, I totally enjoyed it somehow.

I want my Finis Jhung DVDs.

I don't want to work.

I want friends.

I want to be slender and dance en pointe and jump!!!

I want to become brilliant and rich and famous.

I want a partner you can go through thick and thin with!

I want to be loved and wanted by my family!

I want to be beautiful and share beauty.

Back home...

I just had a long conversation with Mam. She comforted me when I was suddenly afraid for a moment.

The drive was tedious today. In Italy, it was still ok, but there were misunderstandings all the time and Papa was often overaroused and totally overreacting accordingly. I found that terrible. It ruined the drive for me, the last part of the holidays. I was in part really wishing we'd have a fatal accident. I didn't want to arrive, didn't want to continue my professional life. I wanted to keep that "escapist" feeling I had on holiday. That suspension of identity, time and place. In that state, I can walk around with sunglasses and painted lips, which I would be embarrassed about in B, because many people know me otherwise. In that state, I can eat deep-fried mozzarella sticks standing in front of a roadhouse and gossip loudly because nobody understands.

Half Way, Rimini

This night, I had been dreaming something that got me into an at-home-mood upon waking up. I don't know what it was, but somehow I felt like at home, a slight unrest.

We ate breakfast and packed and scurried etc., it was very hot. Much later than planned (12 instead of 10 o'clock) we left. I savoured the drive through Gargano to the fullest one last time. We all agreed that it was very beautiful there.

We got on smoothly and were in Rimini as early as six. There we checked into our hotel and then went for a walk along the beach. Sina was looking for her hotel from her school trip, but it was too far away. We went back to the hotel, browsing in tourist shops on the way. I spontaneously got a hip veil/belt for Mam with tinkling coins, as a Christmas gift and an encouragement to start belly dancing. Then I also got a hand-reading from a fortune-teller machine, just for fun.

We ate at a restaurant close by the hotel, Almoccolo. It was very good, but the portions were huge. The seafood was incredible. We were offered Limoncino in the end and toasted our beautiful holidays. I liked that. We are, despite everything, a good family!

After that, full and satisfied, we went back to the hotel to sleep. I washed my hair and then read some Scotland Street.

Many Partings

Today, I woke at seven. I got up and left the village, because I wanted to enjoy the new sun and the morning atmosphere once more. Then I went straight back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. So many thoughts about my studies and my future were worrying me. I faced them, and visualized better circumstances and a better mood, until I eventually felt as if I were at peace with this matter. Then I fell asleep and woke again at nine. We had breakfast and Mam and Papa drove to the market. I got the computer and wrote down all the days.
It's very hot right now.

Later, I ate something, then we went to the beach at some point. Papa embarrassed me by singing, Sina didn't wait for me and eventually, I got annoyed waiting for Mam. I indulged in ballet jumps in the water once more, extensions, turning and diving and floating. Then I left.

At home, I showered and began packing a few things. But then I saw the sun, which was setting golden-red. I got myself a nectarine and sat down on Mam's patio, where you could see the sunset nicely. It was peaceful and beautiful and I savoured it. Mam and Papa were there and we spoke a little together, and it was good.

Then I packed and got ready. We ate at Mezzaluna, and I ordered white profiteroles which were very yummy. At home, I also ate ice cream, even though I was essentially full, because I wanted to say goodbye to it again. After, I browsed a little in the Ballet Companion and then went to sleep.

(This entry was translated from German)

Just another Day

This morning, the parents and Sina went to V. I stayed at home and did some fantasizing, then I did the dishes and made stewed peaches. After that I fantasized some more until a beautiful culmination. The second one wasn't as beautiful.

I was reading ballet books, at first in bed, but then I thought it a waste missing this fine day, so I dressed warmly and went on reading on the patio. It wasn't cold, but in the shade and wind it was rather cool. Because I had eaten a lot for breakfast I wasn't hungry when we went to the beach in the afternoon. The water was very cold, but this time I dared to dive under a little sooner. Sina came too, but we didn't play together anymore. Then she went back because she was cold. Mam came too, and also Diane with Tibby. Diane came into the water while Mam was holding him on the beach. He was whimpering heart-rendingly, but Diane swam with me a little and we played tag, and she did some ballet. I am always slightly afraid she might be better than I. Well, her legs may, for anatomical reasons, go higher than mine, but my technique is logically much better.


Later, Mam came back and Tibby played with a dog on the beach, very cute. Mam and I went home last. I showered and put on lotion and then I was so incredibly hungry and annoyed by Papa who was making bean and lentil salads at our place. So I went over to Mam and got myself some ice cream. We had dinner a little later. There were grilled lamb steaks (very yummy) and quails. I only tried a bite of the quails, it was very aromatic, but somehow I had reservations about eating them, because I find quails so cute and used to want to keep some. For dessert there was more ice cream. I had sawed off the top of the ice cream container to make it fit into our freezer, which has the perfect ice cream temperature. Sadly, Mam dropped the ice cream on serving it, and of course it fell out. Diane and Sina were screaming with laughter, but I found it gross that she just put it back in the container.

While we were fumigating the rooms with insect spray we were sitting in the living room and Sina did me the favour of looking at the ballet books a little with me. A few days earlier, I had left them there on purpose, hoping that Diane and Sina would look at them. At least Sina did it, which made me happy. Afterwards I was reading a little, but the book was falling out of my hands and I put out the light.

Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o'clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn't go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn't trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love... Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.


At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn't dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn't even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn't buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a 'sweet pain'.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant 'Box 19' in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we've been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn't drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.

Jazz by the Harbour

12 September:
Today it was fine and windy and cool again. I was reading and lying around and eating and maybe swimming. After all, the beauty of it is having the days merge and intertwine because you have time.

13 September:
I have been reading lots of Harry Potter. Tonight, we went to V. At first we wandered about aimlessly, annoying each other. Then we went to a restaurant near the seashell museum. It lay at a street directly by the sea. Wicker sofas and coffee tables stood out front, and there was jazz playing. The tableau was gorgeous. I imagined myself in the future, slender and beautiful and elegantly dressed, with my companion, there on the sofa with the jazz and a cocktail. I'd be coming from the Palace hotel. That was a beautiful image.

The restaurant was nearly empty, we were sitting on an overgrown wooden balcony high above the harbor. You could see the lighthouse. The food was good, but sadly we didn't quite get what we ordered (fish instead of prawns), but it didn't bother me.

Afterwards we walked through the park and strolled around a little until w'd found a gelateria that had good chairs for me. There I got my first real Italian gelateria ice cream. I chose pistachio and peach-mango because I had been imagining green and red ice cream. It was almost too watery in part, yummy, but no highlight.

Then we went home. I read Harry Potte and it was so dramatic and exciting just then that I read until six in the morning. Especially Snape's lot really touched me. I always sympathise so much with tragic heroes. But Harry's willingness to die was also extremely sad and beautiful. Especially when he was asking his mother to stay with him.

I think the whole hysteria is stupid, the movies etc. The books are exciting, partly original, partly too English, partly boring or absurd. I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but it is a good story even though much of it is 'borrowed'

Outing to V

Astonishingly, I woke before eight. I even did the love meditation. Then, when we had finished eating at last, I changed and cleaned the whole house. Afterwards Sina and I went to the beach. It was noon, but because it was still cloudy this didn't bother me. Today, there were less waves than the day before yesterday, but lots of seaweed instead, and jumping fish. A beginner surfer was trying his luck as well, and we dove into a few waves again. When we got back I showered thoroughly and put on lotion, then I made hamburgers for tea.

Unfortunately I didn't have time to sleep today because we wanted to drive to V. Diane stayed home with Tibby, but I smartened up and went along. First we went to the market, where we got cheese and sun-dried tomatoes, and then we strolled along the main street. I got myself some more or less pretty flip flops (navy blue with golden hearts) and postcards. Sina of course had to look at every jewelry shop and Mam found the clothes intriguing.

I enjoyed the town, the temperature was agreeable. The white pavement, palm trees and white houses, the park and the view of the sea were simply beautiful. Once we'd had enough, we went back to get Diane. We went to Mezzaluna again, where I was really dissatisfied for the first time. The food was bad, the service worse and I almost fell asleep because we had to wait so long for the waiter. If only we weren't such creatures of habit and would try a new restaurant sometimes! But then one would have to risk, to dare something.
Some day I'll go to the thermal spring of Vals where R was this summer. And on the Queen Mary II in any case!

Teresa wrote saying she was better. She didn't mention her diagnosis. It's going to be good, I guess.

Grey Day and Writing my Story

It was cloudy today and sometimes raining a little. I woke at twenty minutes past eight and wanted to practice ballet, but during the night I'd become tense and was feeling totally un-fit. At breakfast we had an argument. Everybody told me I was unfriendly and nagging and scolding all the time. I felt very lonely and trapped, surrounded by barbarians. Why can't we be a little more normal?

After breakfast I practiced with the Franklin book and the balls. I was completely tense and lying on the balls hurt a lot, but afterwards I felt clear and well in my hips and pelvis. I'd been doing the iliopsoas exercises. In between I was drawing: the chakras in a person and things that make me feel rich, like martinis, macaroons, MAC brushes, croissants and Chanel perfume.

It was so windy and sullen that we didn't go to the beach. For lunch Diane made pasta with cream sauce and I ate too much, even though it wasn't good. Afterwards I was dead tired and slept a little. At this time the weather was at its stormiest. When I woke up, this feeling I had to take care of was back. This time was better, especially the second time.

Then I at last read this fragment of my story I had taken along intending to type it. It was tinily written, probably during a lecture. I rewrote it by hand because Papa had the laptop. And because I didn't want to write everything out in case somebody read it, I wrote the names in Tengwar. Suddenly, the desire came up to really learn and practice Tengwar again. Sadly I didn't have anything with me, so I had to make up a small table from memory.

Then I also practiced a little ballet, and was half embarrassed about Tino and the Germans who might have seen me, and half happy about it. I practiced pirouettes, adagio, grands battements, tendus and stretches. The story was haunting my thoughts, so after dinner I went on writing it. I showered and got ready, but when I was lying in bed I was so awake that I continued writing. It flowed well and I wrote and wrote, but when I read through it, it was much too short. The characters didn't seem credible. A shadow of that longing feeling I got when reading the fan fictions made itself felt. I wanted to fantasize and 'thinking-game' about it, but fell asleep.

A Feeling from the Past

6 September:
Today, I was very tired. It was warm and sunny. I didn't go to the beach with the others when they left in the afternoon. I was lying in bed and got this Ayas-last-year-feeling, this time with L. I hadn't read the whole book, but something had stayed with me nonetheless. I took action against it, too. During that, I was feeling an incredible pressure, like a strong itch. But the culmination was only a shallow wave, very disappointing. Then I slept for a short time. In the evening we went to Mezzaluna for supper.
7 September:
Today, it was hot again. This time I got up earlier. After breakfast Sina and I went to the beach. There were large waves, and we dived into the most beautiful ones. That was great fun. Then after lunch I lay down again. This feeling came up again, and again I did something against it (this time it was similar to yesterday) and took a short nap.
For dinner there was fish barbecue. Papa had once again bought much too much after promising the opposite. GRRR. It seems like an addiction to me. As if he got into a shopping frenzy where he had to buy ever beautiful feeling from the past and every hope for the future in the form of an object. I don't know what I can do against it. What I can do for him.

I was reading a lot in my ballet books and got a strong desire to dance. But because I don't want to get dirty I'm postponing it to tomorrow.

Playing a beautiful Day

Gargano
Today was a beautiful day. I was woken early by Tibby, but then I went to sleep again for a few hours. Eventually I got up. I had slept well and enough. Papa was already there and we all prepared breakfast together. I was wearing my blue plaid dress and feeling well-groomed and well dressed (except my hair which still needed washing.)

After breakfast the parents went shopping and I unpacked my things and organised our house. I am especially proud of my idea to use the clotheshorse as a garden gate. In this way, Tibby can run around freely in the house and on the verandah and everybody is content.
It got really hot. But that didn't bother me much, because I had been wishing for summer again as you know. I just didn't move much and drank cold water. Then I put on make-up and when the parents got home I did the dishes (we made a plan so everyone does them in turn). Then I did a pedicure and right after that we ate a snack and then went to the beach. Diane took Tibby at first, but he was very afraid and she eventually stayed on the beach with him. There lots of children came wanting to play with him, it was really droll to watch. But later, there came an even bigger attraction: A white rabbit on a leash which was skipping around in the sand. That was really funny and in a way grotesque to watch.

I stayed in the water for a long time, first with Sina and then with Mam. I was practicing a little ballet and noticed that in water you can really find the right dynamics of port de bras; especially the hands and the slight lag, and also the resistance.

Then we all went home again and showered. I put on lotion everywhere, as if I were slender and beautiful. Because I have to behave as if I were everything I want to be to attract it.
Mam and Papa said we should cook at our place and they would come over to eat. It was great fun planning a meal and cooking with Sina, and having 'guests'. In general I think having a little house of one's own and being able to organise and tidy up and cook etc. is great. We made Pasta with aurora sauce and for dessert I made a fruit salad. It was a nice evening. Diane had to do the dishes and I was reading to her (the book was mostly stupid). Then I grew tired, went to bed and read a little in a ballet book. Even though I was interested I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep.

The day was beautiful because we have a pretty little house where I get to 'keep house';because the weather was fine; we didn't fight; I felt grown-up and well and awake; because it was the first day.
But I wasn't conscious, I was acting a part and enjoying it. I was playing this part before myself; I doubt moreover that Diane and Sina payed me enough attention to notice.

On the Road in Italy

I slept well, only too little, but we had to go on. For breakfast there were three sorts of cake, sweet croissants, canned fruit, scrambled eggs and the usual.

At ten twenty we departed. On the way we got into a slow traffic jam which trew us back, but we all tried to wish it away using Law of Attraction. It worked and we go on better. In Gargano we had to drive over hills and curves, so that it went more slowly. But it was beautiful. The sun had just turned to this nice gold, the pine woods were full of wonderful scents and the sea was clear and blue. We came to Peschici which looked almost like a fairy tale city with its white houses, on the hill above the blue sea, in the evening sunlinght.

Shortly before we arrived we came upon an accident, a man was lying on the floor. I believe the parents at first wanted to drive by, but I found that Mam needed to help. She got out and we waited on the side of the road but stayed in the car. There were two people injured, they were still conscious. Soon an ambulance came and we drove on. A car was standing there with a motorcycle half on and half under the bonnet. Mam was not as shocked as I had been fearing. I strangely wasn't, either. At last we arrived at the estate.

We daughters got the little house next to the one from last year, and the parents got a small one next to the 'Chiara house'. Everything was much newer and nicer than at the old house, but Mam's is newer and nicer still. But I am content. The best is a very stable, quite comfortable bed and an exhaust hood in the kitchen. And the adjustable shutters with fly screens. The verandah is large and rather private. I'll have enough room for ballet practice if I move all the things out of the way.

Diane was horribly over-aroused because of some fears concerning Tibby. I could have strangled her. Yes, it's not her fault, but it's annoying!!!!

We went to the Mezzaluna for dinner. It was nice but I almost froze to death because we were sitting outside, by the beach.

Back home, I took a shower and put on some lotion. Afterwards I felt good and went to bed.

(Translated from German)

A Visit and Confusion

This morning, I slept long until Mam woke me up with her loud voice. I had my breakfast in front of the TV, where I watched the CNSMD documentary once again. Then I got dressed etc. and quickly burned all my new songs onto a CD for the drive.

Sina, Mam and I first drove to Di for shopping, then over Vo, where we ate at McDonald's, then to Es. It was a beautiful day, almost clear, dry, windy and sunny. Unfortunately, it was rather chilly. But the meadows and forests still look totally 'summery'. I enjoyed the beautiful drive and the music with all my heart.

At Grandma's we cleaned house diligently and then had eclairs (yummy), but then we had to hurry because Mam wanted to get me to ballet class on time. The house and all the surroundings have stayed almost the same. And I became sad when I thought about maybe seeing it for the last time. In some way I was imagining buying the house and how I'd live in it...

On the way back I was enjoying the beautiful landscape again, and put my feet comfortably up on the back seat. I have never before travelled so cosily.

I even made it (just) to the  tram and was standing before the ballet school on the stroke of seven. Sadly, nobody opened the door even though I rang the bell and waited long, and I saw no sign of life through the window. So I thought Franca had cancelled the class via email. When I checked at home, nothing had come. Also no text message and nothing on the website. Now I am worried about having missed class or something. Maybe I'll call Teresa (who is in hospital) tomorrow, or Franca herself.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange)

Snippets

1 August:
I am in a strange lazy-hazy mood. Am watching Chatter Girl all day long, lying on my bed on a heap of pillows. I feel disconnected from the world. It is rainy.

4 August:
I had to get up at 6 a.m. And go to the W hospital. Toby B was there.
I had a good ballet class. I did all the pointe exercises en demi. Mam will come and watch next week.

5 August:
Second day of W hospital. It is interesting. It challenges me. It makes me appreciate my free time more. Only one more day.

6 August:
Last day of W hospital. It was a good thing for me to do. I feel more alive and conscious. Too much free time makes me waste it.

AS ballet classes went very well. I could hold my own in the beginner level for once. The last few times I was mostly struggling with the speed, but this time it went well. We did some killer exercises. That is good, I need to be fit next weekend. Workshop!!!!

8 August:
I plucked my eyebrows. It hurt a lot, but they are beautiful now. It does make a huge difference in my face. I feel prettier and more elegant and well-groomed. I am grateful to have enough eyebrow hair that naturally grows in a nice arch. All I had to do is thin it a little and accentuate the arch.

I also determined my currant skin type: combination skin, blemish-prone and slightly sun-damaged, with maybe Rosacea (it is sensitive). I am grateful that the bumps, redness and large pores are going away now.

9 August:
Ballet class was ok. I was in pain during the barre. Still sore maybe, or still cold. I am so looking forward to Mam's visit to the school on Wednesday! I imagined her sitting there all the time today. I hope Franca says something nice about me to her. But maybe not too much, in front of everybody. I hope there will not be too many girls. More than 5 like today, but less than 12.
I hope Mam sees what I want her to see: the hard work, the beauty, the joy. I hope she doesn't wear 'prejudice glasses'. I hope she doesn't wish for the class to end.

I want to be thin and light. I still think like I was taught: eating makes me fat. Now everytime I eat I think about the fact that eating makes me happy and happiness makes me thin.

I intend for a bottle of Chanel No.19 parfum to come into my life. I love the scent. And what I read about it makes me want it all the more: assertive, bold, elegant, all the traits I sometimes have and want to have.

I took out our waffle iron and made American waffles today. They are like pancakes. A little boring. They always eat waffles on Chatter Girl, and it reminded me of our waffle iron that we never used, so I tried it. I also made a martini yesterday. It was ok, but I would like something more sweet.

10 August:
I just made vegetable lasagna with Diane and Sina. It is in the oven now. I slept till 11 o'clock. Maybe I will make Belgian waffles this afternoon.

Down in the Dumps

I have been shopping for beauty products for the last two days. I found two internet sites that quite enlightened me in terms of cosmetics knowledge. I know now which products work and why, and which are just useless. All those cellulite products for example. By and by, I want to have good products for my whole body.

We have just been to Germany for Dinner in a restaurant and ice cream later. It was really nice.
I have been up to my ears in cosmetics research. Last night was the second night I stayed up just to read and compare products. I found out that I got cheated by natural cosmetics and my face mask is bad for my skin. I want to read again although I am tired and my eyes burn. I am a little crazy.

At the beginning of the holidays I wanted to live consciously, meditate, exercise and practice. I wanted to cook and go through all our junk and tidy up the flat.
What I do instead is read, watch tv, shop and make chocolates. I feel that I am living unconsciously, I am losing my sense of time, I find it hard to go to sleep or to be still, I feel lazy. I just agreed to really go through all our stuff with Sina, but I feel a great disgust towards it, the exertion, the time I have to invest etc. Even my room is a mess, the floor is dirty, the sofa covered with clothes and boxes and stuff, the desk and drawers littered with junk and paper... I know I have to organise and tidy up, but I am somehow reluctant to do it.

I have been emailing with Nicole, a 30year old woman who will share a room with me during the workshop in R. It makes me happy to talk and I have been waiting for her emails eagerly.

Diane failed her exams. I don't know whether this is good or bad for her in the long run. She is sad and doesn't know what to do next. My parents are disappointed and angry and sad. I am sorry for her and feel uncomfortable at home.

I want to use the Law of Attraction to make this tidying up easy and effective. I want to live! Consciously!

A death - and Joy, too

Uncle E. died today. I am only a little sad for myself and mostly sad for Aunt L., Cousin M. and Papa. He died well. Quickly, from a stroke or cerebral haemorrhage.


I had a good class tonight. I sweated a lot, but felt mostly strong and flexible. I watched the pointe part of class and during a boring moment I looked at my pointed feet in the mirror, sideways, and they looked good! Flexible enough for pointe even. And I felt like doing the others' exercises en demi-pointe. Afterwards I asked Franca whether I could do the pointe exercises with the others next time, flat. She said yes and she won't charge me anything because I may lack the strength to complete them. I am very happy about that!