Weight, Ballet, Procrastination: bleh

[Dream]
From Tuesday:

Papa had rented a van, to get rid of old furniture. It was parked in front of the house. It was Sunday and I was tense/embarrassed because of it.
Mam was pregnant and wanted to give birth at home. The child was to be named Irena and something else she only wanted to decide when she saw the baby.

Many people were sitting around a table. Grandma was there, too. An old man was happily telling stories from his younger days.

I heard Nit shouting through the ceiling: Now I have bought a new table? For a guest(s) and then they don't come! Maybe they were with us.

I looked into the mirror and saw that my middle lower front teeth were fractured. Broken off at the level of the gums. The pieces were in my mouth and I took them out and wanted to preserve them. I felt a little pain. I was dismayed to have broken teeth and was wondering whether I would need a bridge or if they might be stuck on again.

[Vegetarian]

Day 11: I bought rice milk yesterday and ate it with cereal and as cocoa. It was ok, although it doesn't taste like milk when drunk pure. It is too sweet and watery and malty.

I had some cravings for cold meat and smoked salmon, but when I eat olives they disappear pretty quickly. It helps to know this is only a temporary thing. And olives are cold and salty and 'wet' like meat, so they kind of fill the same need.

Otherwise I feel good without meat. My digestion is good, except when I overeat, which happens too often these days.

[Ballet]

Yesterday I went to class. I felt heavy and tense again most of the time. I think it is because I have gained a few kilos recently. I really want to be thin to dance better. EVERYTHING would improve if I was lighter: alignment, extension, demi-pointe, balance, I could jump and start pointework. I am so frustrated and hate my fatness and with it myself. I know this is bad, but I can't help it.

 [Goals]
[Productivity]

It is all connected: My lack of self-discipline makes me feel bad, which makes me eat, which makes me feel bad etc etc.

I just feel like I CAN'T work. I feel so bad while I study, so I don't. "Self-discipline is the ability to take action regardless of how you feel", said S.P.? Last summer I wanted to learn that, but didn't. Now, this year, I still can't study, exercise or get up at a reasonable time. This ruins my self-esteem and makes me do things that are counterproductive.

Why can't I get up when the alarm goes off?
I feel tired and getting up feels hard. Sleeping on feels luxurious.
I am reminded of days when I had to get up and do something difficult/uncomfortable.
I think of the work I have ahead of me and get bad feelings. Sleeping is nice, so I sleep on.

Why can't I study for a few hours every day?
I feel like I need to do something else that can't wait
I feel stupid and slow, like it doesn't make a difference whether I study or not, I will not learn anything anyway
I think of my future and my fears while studying, and of the things I ought to know but have forgotten

New Ballet Class and Handbag

[Dream]

I was watching a long film in a dark, large room. There were people wanting to com e  in all the time. Two girls danced a courtly dance in the movie, then it turned into a lesbian erotic scene (one girl touching the other's bosom). The children were still young, 13 at most. The scene was very delicately filmed, very beautifully lit.
 Then there came heavy rain against the window. I knew it was some sort of test. I had to hold the window closed and check for any leaks. (maybe the rain was real, against my window)
When I had finally finished watching the film (it was long and there were many interruptions, people shouting through the walls etc.) Diane/Sina and a female colleague/Kiki asked me what I had been doing. Then they said: you didn't do any studying until now?

There was a child running around. I played with her in a park, with balletic gestures.
The girl/I was ill. She/I swooned all the time and had spots at the mouth. She/I had to go to the hospital. The father/Papa was stressed.
A police festival. The chief (woman) said something sitting in a chair. Her pink cardigan? Fell apart. Later she died. I saw a blue light above her face and then over her mouth. Then I knew she was dead.
The girl died like this, too.

[Ballet]
We have a new program in ballet class. Lots of expressive arms and demi-pointe. I perspired so much today. But it wasn't boring at all!

[Psychic development]
I acted on the suggestions I got yesterday. I went to MC. There was no young man anywhere, and no brown bag, and the CDs were bad, but I found a beautiful red leather handbag, great size and reasonable prize. I bought it and went home again. I don't know what to make of this. I don't trust myself, don't believe the message came from my guides at all. I believe I just fooled myself mostly. But who knows. I'm going to continue doing this!

Dreams, Cupcakes, Struggle, Automatic Writing

[Dream]

I got a call from S. Pavlina, or was it Ernst? I didn't understand what he said, just hi and that I was going to get something from him. He sent me a gift. I was very curious what it might be, but it was only a very large coloured napkin used in nail studios. It was white with purple, green and red wavy stripes on it.

Then I was in a supermarket. I knew it was in the USA. I looked at the things they sold. Many cheese making utensils. Tibby was there and begged. I wanted to feed him something, but Diane forbade it.

Something about Ernst. In some way I understood that S. was my new Ernst?

[Cooking]
Yesterday I made pea risotto after Jamie Oliver. It was good, a little sweet.
Today I  want to make cupcakes.

Later: my cupcakes were a failure. Half a failure. The cakes turned out very well, moist and springy. The frosting however... is liquid. I made it with instant vanilla cream but wanted to save on butter. Then it separated and I tried to bind it with powdered sugar. Then with cornstarch. Then I tried to cool it. Nothing worked. Now it's almost as sweet as American frosting, but liquid. I'm really disappointed.

For lunch I made 'Moorish crunch salad'. I love this salad.

I tried on my demi-pointes just now and looked how my feet would look en pointe. I believe I would just manage to get over the box if I had good shoes. But it doesn't matter anyway because I'm FAT, FAT, FAT! And i can't seem to eat consciously anymore, and I have lost my desire to dance because I feel heavy and fat and I just eat and eat! I get so angry at myself. I know I should study and eat consciously and go to classes and practice. But I just eat, watch football games and lie around. The only thing I do at the moment that I planned to do is working on my psychic development (remembering my dreams, raising my vibration with the CD and not eating meat). But I am afraid to try to meet my guides and higher self. Afraid that it might not work like the first time, that I will get confused and not trust my senses anymore, or that they will tell me to do something difficult. Like a doctor's thesis, an internship, a public spectacle.
OK. Maybe this fear or conflict is what makes me eat and kill time. Maybe I should just try some automatic writing?

An hour or so later... I think I'm scared. Ok, here I come...

Is anybody here?
Yes. We are.

Who are you?
Your guides.

Is there anything I should know right now?
Yes, study, you need to study.

How can I study without so many bad feelings?
Just study.
Sit. Write.

Thank you!

How can I lose weight. I really want to be thin. I want it so much!
Remember how you felt. What you want. Vaganova dream. Stretching.

Who touched my arm yesterday?
You. A spider.

Was it a spirit?
No, it was you.

Where is my fly screen?
Up wardrobe. Big door up right.

Where are my witch notes?
Pink file. Don't know.

How can I remember my dreams better?
Go to bed early, don't read. Orange flower tea.

Is it good to be vegetarian?
Yes.

Should I be vegan.
Maybe. Later.

Should I be a dentist.
Yes. Help people. Empathy. Consciousness.

Should I go to modern dance class?
Not yet. It will hurt.

How can I speak to you more easily? In dreams?
Yes. Lucid dreams. We will be waiting.

Thank you. I love you. Do you love me too?
Yes. Of course. We love you. We are your fan club.

Should I tell the others about this talk.
No. You do this for yourself.

May I tell them that I'm happy because of it?
 Yes

How can I get more money?
Limit your wants. Cosmetics, MC.

Should I go there or avoid it?
Yes and no.

Should I buy something there?
Yes. A bag. A brown bag with pink inside.

What if I don't like that bag?
Don't buy it.

Why should I buy it?
You will meet a young man.

When should I go?
Now. Monday

Morning?
Wash your hair and go.

I can't afford it now. And I don't trust myself enough to buy something because you said so.
Ok.

Are you really my guides? Or are you fooling me.
Yes no yes no.

Are you really my guides?
Yes we ARE!

Ok, sorry. You know this is very confusing and new for me.
We understand. Don't give up. Come back often.

I will. Thank you.

Should I know anything more now?
No, you can go.

What about this CD I see?
Yes, buy it.

What about my hair? Should I cut it?
Yes.

And how long?
Layers. Shoulder.

Thank you. I love you.
We love you too, goodbye!
Goodbye

Wow. I opened my chakras and it really felt strange. Towards the second half of the writing I began to feel dizzy and felt the answers more clearly, doubted less. So tomorrow morning I should go to Migros city to buy a bag and a meditation CD and meet a young man. I really am very insecure about this. But the love seemed real. Also the "you do this for yourself" sentence really seemed to come from outside me. As did the "we will be waiting". And "come back often". I guess it is really important to trust myself and my feelings. Of course  I might be fooling myself. But my belief in guides and HS etc. Is 99% at the moment... So all I need to do is practice communicating with them. Sweet that they said they are my fan club. I saw them in my mind's eye as a group of laughing people standing very closely together in the corner of a twilit room. Maybe they are other spirits fooling with me. Maybe I have funny guides. Maybe I interpreted it wrong. Orange flower tea? They want me to buy things to save money? Well, I'll go to Migros and look at the bags and the men. And I'll drink tea at night, herbal tea. And I'll do this again soon. And I'll study, of course. Right now, make tea and study!