Found!

I feel extraordinarily strange at the moment. My sisters found my blog. And they read it. And they showed it to our mother.

I immediately changed the address and some names, and hope they can't find it anymore.

I never expected this. Once again, I have underestimated my sisters. I was excited about the blog and mentioned it several times, and I teased them when we were arguing, saying (jokingly) that I was writing bad things about them. But I didn't think they would really look for it, and if they did, I was sure they wouldn't find it. Stupidly I had overlooked their names in a few places when I first published some old journal entries. They had been changed in the meantime, but Google had "read" the old ones, and so they found me.

Damn. It came out of nowhere, I had just come home from class yesterday. Mam confronted me. At first I couldn't believe it, I thought it was a joke.

They had read the post called Sisters, and while it was unkind and rant-y, it was nowhere near as bad as Mam let on. Yes, I should have written "plain" instead of "rather ugly" in describing Diane's face, it would sound nicer. She says that about herself all the time, by the way. And I should have left out the b-word. But I was furious and had to "write it out". As for Sina's weight gain, she told me herself that she was afraid to weigh herself and that her clothes no longer fit her. I hadn't even noticed before.

Mam acted as though I had put up names, addresses and nude photos of my sisters together with my rant. Well, I did NOT. I would NEVER do such a thing, not to my greatest enemy. There is a difference in ranting about people so that everybody knows who they are, like on facebook, and ranting anonymously, even though the whole world COULD read it. That's what I was doing. The blog was never meant for family and friends, or people who know me personally. I wanted to put my thoughts "out there", yes, but anonymously. If I had wanted to tell those things to my family, I would have done so. I didn't. They are my thoughts, and strangers may read them, but not people who know me.

At first, I felt guilty because, if somebody who knew us very well and searched specifically for some names and places like my sisters did, they COULD have found the blog, too. But the longer I think about it, the more I am convinced that I am the wronged one. After all, there were only a few negative points about my sisters to be read here, versus half my soul.

I feel violated. Threatened.

I had felt safe. I must have felt safe to put those things online. Because if I had really wanted them to read it, I wouldn't feel so naked and embarrassed now. Those things I wrote were not for the eyes of people who DISLIKE me, like my sisters. Now my enemies have read my secret thoughts, had a glimpse into several private rooms of my soul. Good, beautiful thoughts, mean and hateful ones, tender, private ones... all ruined by unfriendly eyes.

I was STUPID. Stupid to let slip so much, stupid to think they didn't care.They always seem so brainless, lying in front of the tv apathetically. I let myself be fooled.

I dread going home, seeing them.
I can't speak to them. There is nothing left to say.

My whole family has turned against me, and through their glasses, they can't see my reality. I tried to explain to Mam last night, she didn't see.

I really wish they could see THIS post. Would they understand? No.
Let's face it, we are not the same. I am apart from them.

An Enemy in Ballet Class

Strangely, I want to write about people I hate more than people I like. They are more fascinating, and aversion is intersting when you think about it.

There is this woman in one of my Saturday classes. Let's call her Goody-pointe-shoes.

I HATE HER.

It is an unreasonable, exaggerated hatred. She never hurt me or did anything to me. She just... kind of rubs me the wrong way. There are many little things, but mainly this: She thinks she is good. And she is not.

She doesn't say much, but when she does, it is something along the line of: I know this and that, I have done this and that. Her facial expression is always smug. When she doesn't get a combination, she blames the teacher, I see it in her face. She laughs disdainfully and doesn't try again. She is always wearing thick legwarmers on her calves, even on the hottest summer afternoon. She recently started showing up to class in pointe shoes. Gaynors.

It all doesn't sound so bad. I just seem to be allergic to her. So much that when I see her, I want to strike her. And no, I am not crazy.

When I first came to the class, I thought she was much more advanced just from her bearing and her expression. Until I watched her actually do ballet recently (because I noticed she annoyed me), and saw that she was... not. She's rather bad. Her movements are limp, she appears weak and soft. This actually made me really happy. If she WERE good, she'd be insufferable. As it is, I KNOW I am better than she, although she of course doesn't see it. Now, I have no problem with people who are better than me. Lots of people are, I am still more of a beginner after all. But naturally I want to have an advantage over people I hate.

What I tend to do, when I hate somebody, is the opposite of my instinct: I am nice to the person, chat with them, get to know them. In a way, that gives me power over them. They don't know I dislike them. But I know things about them. Who was it that said to keep your enemies closer than your friends? U-oh, this makes me sound like a creepy stalker!

The thing is, I detest confrontation. And often, the person in question never hurt me in any way. I just dislike the way they are. I have no excuse to be anything but nice. Getting to know them also satisfies some weird curiosity: I need to know what they are up to, to know where I stand with them, how much and why I can dislike them.

In this case, I wanted to know how long and how often she had been dancing, and where. So I asked her last week. She wasn't unfriendly, but smug. Well, just VERY confident and a little patronizing. She has only been dancing for a little more than one and a half years. (HA) Already en pointe. She goes to other teachers, somewhere at Deep Well. She asked me (meanly, I thought) whether Franca didn't teach anymore because I kept coming to this class. I said truthfully that I just liked Rosanna as a teacher. And that the (beginner) class now was actually more difficult than Franca's because Rosanna advances much faster. She then immediately added that this class was actually too easy for her, and she just came to do it en pointe. Gah!

The class was a whole other matter, but more on that later.

Do we have to choose?

Lately, I have been wondering whether being a passionate ballet amateur means remaining single.

I'm not one of those desperate women who feel incomplete without a man. No, I have been feeling very complete lately, despite being single. I don't know anything else. And that's exactly what I have been a little worried about.

Ok. Two things.

First: Will I - provided I find that elusive thing called mutual love - be able to adjust myself to him? Will I want to be with him often enough to satisfy him? Or will I want to get away a lot to walk and dream and write and think by myself? Will I be able to sleep with another person in my bed? To plan my days with him in mind, and maybe even his family? At the moment, while I long to be in love and experience this part of life that has passed me by so far, I also feel like it would be a great strain, and too stressful to keep up.

When I imagine myself in love and happy with a boyfriend, a part of me already imagines the end, and coming back in relief to the solitude I know.

And, secondly: What about ballet? Right now, I have class five days a week, and I would do more if I had classes available (and more money). A boyfriend might want to see me longer than an hour between work and class, or class and bed. I fear being torn between two loves once I HAVE two loves.

I fear being so much in love that I will give up dance and lose all my hard-earned skills. But I also fear being alone forever, never knowing true love. I don't want either.

I love ballet because it calls to me. Because it is a way of experiencing beauty not only in my soul, but also in my body. But it is an expression of joy and love, life-affirming things. It should not require sacrificing another, (I imagine) equally beautiful and uplifting part of my life: human love.
The few amateurs I know of who are as obsessed with ballet as I am, Johanna from Pointe till you drop, Rebecca from Twitter and Dave who tries ballet, all appear to be single. Is it impossible to combine love, intense ballet and work?

Maybe it could work if I find a man who dances, too. But since all the guys in my classes are slightly creepy... I'll pass for the moment.

Somebody saw - Part Two

(This is the second part of a post about a very special moment, a milestone in my life, I believe. Part one  here)


She said: 'This weight of yours is only like an armour, and inside it is the real you. A dancer.'

I think that was the moment the tears came to my eyes. Maybe because I was still a little shaken by my emotions in class, but mostly because it was a moment of truth.

SHE KNEW. 
SHE SAW. 

I said yes, through my tears. 'Yes, I feel it. Sometimes, when I listen to music and I just want to... ' here I made an opening gesture with my arms '... come out and... '

There are no words for it. 

BUT SHE UNDERSTANDS.

I saw it in her face. She understands, because she is a dancer. 

More tears came.

Then she added: Sometimes I see glimpses of it, in the way you lift your arm at the barre for example.
Don't let your shyness stop you, don't let self-doubt stop you.

I nodded again.

SHE KNOWS.

In those small beginning movements, I often dare to 'open myself'.
But then my courage fails me.


She also said it was a pity I couldn't jump.
I said yes, but that I wanted to dance all my life and not ruin my joints. And that I hoped one day I'd be light enough to jump.

Melanie: 'Maybe you will one day be allowed to jump, then you will be able to feel the pressure of your feet against the floor when you take off, and you will feel weightless for a moment in the air. It is a wonderful feeling.'

I nodded, smiling.

I KNOW, I wanted to say. I never did those jumps, but I KNOW how it feels. 

Melanie also said: 'If you hold yourself back, the class will only do so much for your feet and legs, your strength etc. But if you dare to let go...
Do come more often to my class. I am always wondering, will Alienor be here today? And if you are not, I am disappointed. I really like you.'


Then she told me about her trouble, something to do with her husband's job, which was making her tense and irritable. She apologized for the way she had behaved in class. She had just suddenly felt as if all her effort to give a great class was unappreciated. So she grew very angry and just gave easy combinations as I wrote above. But she didn't blame me, although I had made as many mistakes. I still don't know who she meant, we were all trying.


Well. That was a milestone moment. At last, I have proof. I am not imagining things. I do have this deep love of music and movement, and it is evident. I am not fooling myself.

Everything I have experienced so far, all the suffering, all the joy, have brought me here.

I can't wait for what is still to come. It is scary, but exciting.


Four years ago, (after taking classes for two months) I wrote this in my diary, after an open house day at a dance school where I'd taken five different classes. It came to my mind just now. The moment I first truly realized it for myself:

"... After ballet I went to African Dance. A tall, beautiful African taught that class. The music was wonderful, almost only drums. I longed to just dance to it, and in fact the teacher told us to, in pairs. But I didn't feel ready yet...

But then he taught us steps, and slowly put together a dance. I was not always fast enough, but the stomping and bending felt wonderful. He told us to forget goals, to think only of dancing, to smile. He said every body was different, so we couldn't all dance the same way. It was important to dance, not to do everything right. A child came in and started dancing right away. The teacher immediately invited it in. It was a young girl, and in the end, when we had to improvise, she just jumped and jumped and shouted with joy.

This lesson especially made me feel keenly that I am a dancer, under all my fat, behind all my fears. And I will set myself free and dance until my dying day. ... "

Somebody saw - Part One

I had the strangest ballet class this morning. I've never felt so bad in class before, not even at the opera this summer where the teacher didn't demonstrate and just mumbled a barely audible stream of complicated combinations and I was totally lost and sat out the whole centre and the class was full of pre-pros and pros.

It was a small class, only five students. This russian girl and Marianne who are less advanced than I, and Carla and Maria who are more advanced.
Our teacher, Melanie, got suddenly angry for no apparent reason other than some of us making mistakes. She stopped speaking and only demonstrated, and gave the simplest, most basic combinations like four battements en croix etc. I picked up on her anger immediately and felt really bad. I couldn't believe a teacher was behaving like this. It worried me and made me feel bad and after some time, angry.

The result was that I was at first really unconcentrated, then close to tears, even blinking while stretching, and then just plain furious. I made lots of mistakes, wich made me feel stupid and guilty for maybe feeding her anger, and that made everything worse still. One exercise I just didn't do on the left, because i felt like a fool attempting something difficult while she just stared. I didn't want to expose myself in this atmosphere.

After class, everybody left right away. I wanted to stretch and did so, even though Melanie was still there sorting her CDs. Then she came over to me.

Here I must write down something I have been wanting to write about for some time. It is important for what happened today:

Lately, while listening to beautiful music, there has been a feeling inside me, of the most intense longing. I have known it for years, but it has got so much stronger lately, so that I am often close to tears. It feels as if I want to burst, as if I want to sing and dance and jump and fly up to the sky and play all the instruments of the world at once, because the music is so powerful.

To dance is no longer enough, even if I were the best dancer in the world. I want to dissolve and BECOME the music.

When I am alone, and sometimes in class, especially when I feel unwatched, I can let myself express some of the delight of the music through my movements. It is EXQUISIT.
I love myself in those moments, and the world and all the things in it.

I have often wondered if this love is visible to others. Does Franca see it? She never comments.


Mrs. H said sometimes, when I did something like this on rare occasions, that I deeply moved her. At the time this scared me.


I don't remember what Melanie said word for word, but in essence this is what happened:

So, after this crazy class Melanie came over to me - I was stretching on the floor - and said (and she didn't sound angry at all anymore): Alienor, you work so intelligently. Much more intelligently than the others, by the way. I see that you UNDERSTAND. But your problem is that you are too shy, you are afraid.

Here I nodded. I got up. It seemed more fitting.

Then she said: You need to trust me. I trust you, Alienor. Do you trust me?

I said yes, although at the moment I was still a little angry with her. But in general, it was true.

She said: There is a dancer within you, waiting to come out. But you need to trust me and to trust yourself. Don't hide.

She had already said something like that once before, in August. It had made me very happy then.

I answered that sometimes it was difficult with my weight, sometimes I'd see myself in the mirror and not like how something looked, and then I'd hold back. I told her I was trying to lose weight.

Melanie said that she knew, and that mirrors made us look at ourselves in a bad light, only seeing faults.
She said that when she'd been a dancer, she'd been very skinny, but she STILL felt fat, and always compared herself to the girls next to her.

It was in her head. She had no self-confidence to speak of. And that she was now trying to get rid of that, and it was SO important. To appreciate yourself...

Part two of this post

Sisters! A Rant.

I am furious right now. My little sister, Sina, is the most hateful, rude and humourless bitch person I ever met. I had such a lovely evening, a cosy chat in the kitchen with my mother, a little harp practice session, some tv-watching in the dusk. I was looking forward to the first family meal since last Sunday's breakfast. But she had to go and be horribly rude to me because I said something (and I am absolutely certain Diane got that it was meant as a humorous reference, although she denied it later and took Sina's part as always), and threaten to throw her food into my face (!) if I mentioned it again. She is 21, by the way, and, apparently, intelligent. This set off Papa, who began to scream at the top of his voice, like a mindless ape, that we should be quiet (how ironic!). I was so ashamed of him. And angry with Sina. She has been rude to me for weeks, but especially tonight. Everything I say or do sets her off, and her reactions are totally disproportionate to any (perceived) annoyances or insults.

I am not without faults, but this is going too far. I REFUSE to be spoken to like that. I walked away and stopped my ears with music in my room. In between songs I heard them arguing in the kitchen. Papa is still behaving like a petulant child, banging things apparently because I told him there was no need to scream like a mindless ape (it is true!).

Really, I had NO intention of offending or criticizing Sina. I made a humorous comment about her old, faded and tattered polar fleece jacket, which I had been objecting to for years. Last winter, I had been serious. I thought it was not fit to be worn anymore. But not this time. If I search my feelings, I was really just joking. I know by now that I will never be able to make Sina change her mind about something if I criticize or scold her.

I don't know what is the matter with her. But it doesn't matter whether she is afraid of something, in love, stressed or sad, as long as she doesn't tell us that something is wrong, she has no right to behave like that. If she came and told me she was having a difficult time and that was the reason for her short temper, I would make allowances. But I feel like she has been like this for the past two to three years. And lately, it has got really bad. When I ask her, she says everything is all right.

I just thought of something: What if it is my weight loss? She has been putting on quite a bit of weight over the last years, and I have been losing weight since the spring. Maybe she is jealous. Diane sometimes appears to be jealous, too. She is thin though, but her face is plain and she has very low self-esteem... Hmmm. I need to think about that.

I would rather become thin and have my sisters be mean to me than the other way around. I am working and making my own money. I am dancing a lot. I am taking an interest in my appearance. I am getting more confident and grown-up. I am thinking, and singing and enjoying life. They might resent that, but I won't tone myself down to make them comfortable. At last, I am learning to be who I really am. And adding to who I am. I will not be stopped.

From now on, I will watch my every word to my sisters. I'll make it a game. I'll show off a little, but make it appear to be completely unconscious. It'll be fun. Let's see what will happen tomorrow.

Break

I did not write anymore for a long time, not just on the blog, but also in my journal.
For a time, I was feeling bad, afraid, depressed, unconscious. I fought with my negative thinking habits.

My feet were hurting in ballet, overuse I think. It just seemed so HARD. Ballet felt unnatural, the posture and turnout a distortion. Why was I dancing, if there was no joy anymore? I stopped.
Told my teachers I had to heal my injuries, had knee pain. While before I had been on ballet blogs and forums every day, drinking in the knowledge, I now was bored by them. It worried me a little. Where had all my passion gone? I didn't dance for two months. I never missed it. There was just this mild curiosity when or if it would return, my inner dancer. I did some strength work on the Power Plate, some cardio on the stationary bike, and stretching, of course. Flexibility was too nice to lose. 

I don't remember how my appetite for ballet returned, but it returned. I took easy classes again, then added more and more. During my obligatory Summer break at work I even took a week-long intensive. Over four hours a day, that was intense. But also wonderful! My achilles tendons complained, but with ice and creams it was manageable. And I have been training more intensely since those weeks, losing weight, and seeing some progress. Less fear in pirouettes, more freedom of movement. I would so love to jump, and learn pointe. But I need to wait until my weight is safe. 

After trying to change my beliefs about food, which didn't really work because those principles have been hammered into my head from my youth, I tried a new approach. Abraham said, and it makes sense to me, that the food was not what made us fat, but the thought about the food. That is why different people can have the same diet and yet see radically different results. So, I said to myself: Why not try to eat more things I believe are going to make me thin. No strict rules, just follow your emotions. So I tried it and it has become sort of a habit. The more I think this food or that food will make me thin or even just be NOT HARMFUL, the better I feel eating it and the better it makes my body feel. Recently, I saw a number on the scale I had not seen for eight years. My face is prettier, my leg goes higher, my feet feel stronger, I have energy, I have a waist! It's wonderful. I don't punish myself, I don't go hungry, I eat cake and cheese and butter and chocolate and fast food. But I also try to eat more good protein, whole grain, "alive" things. I drink rivers of water, it flows through me and keeps my thoughts and movements fluid.

The better it gets, the better it gets. My life is going well in other areas, as well. I enjoy my job, feel more secure. I rediscovered my harp and began making music. I got an iPod and have been listening to beautiful music. I had a beautiful summer, with biking and swimming and dancing and dreaming. I got a light tan which becomes me well, my hair curls around my face like silk. I got pearls and perfumes and adorn and adore myself. I filled my soul with the sound of the sea, the beauty of the stars and the sunrise. I discovered my thoughts, in times when I wasn't online reading other's thoughts. I read books again, good books that inspire me and enrich everything. Creativity is waking up inside me. The people from stories I used to make up in my head have come back, and my mind is overflowing with lovely prospects for new stories. Love and tenderness are part of these stories, and while they are not yet part of my own reality, I am happy to wait. I imagine how wonderful it will be, the first true love. It will come, everything good will come to me in time. 

The good thing

My flat was given to someone else. I am very disappointed, but don't want to dwell on that.

Let's focus on the good thing: My new bed has arrived! It came on Monday. I was so excited, and all morning time seemed to crawl. Then finally, around one o'clock the company called saying they were on their way. I let them in, they started unwrapping the bed and putting on the feet when they noticed that the fifth foot in the middle of the bed was missing. They had to go back to get it. But I was already late for work, so I reluctantly left (my mother was home to supervise things) and went to work, where I couldn't concentrate all afternoon. On the way home, I tried to imagine what my room looked like with the new bed, but somehow I couldn't.

When I entered my room the bed seemed HUGE. It is only a double bed, but my room is small and the bed is very high. I took off my shoes and threw myself down on it - heaven.
Then of course my sisters had to try it, and my father, and our dog. They all liked it, but said it was very soft (the dog didn't mind). Well, that's.the.point! It's soft but due to the amount of springs you are well supported.

Unfortunately the fitted bed skirt was not finished, so they lent me a ready-made one until it arrives. The one I chose is off-white, but the replacement skirt is brown. And a little short. But it's only for a month, so that's okay.

But now, the most important question: How did I sleep? Well, the first night I woke all the time, because that's the way it is in any strange bed I sleep in. I was also hot, because the topper has wool in it, as does the duvet. But the second and third night were wonderful. Sleeping so deeply that you can't remember what day it is on waking is a good sign, right? It really felt as if I had come back from another world. I am so happy. And going to bed is a joy now, not a nuisance.

There will be pictures as soon as I find my camera...

Law of Attraction and the perfect bed

It all began with a night in a hotel in summer 2010. It wasn't even a good hotel. But it had a box spring bed. Or an american bed, a hotel bed, you know, the kind of bed one sees in all american films and series? High, springy and soft, without a bed frame. I slept so well that night, and the bed never left my mind. That was the first step: the desire.

Such beds might be the norm in America, but here in Switzerland they are rare. Beds sold here have a bed frame, sprung slats and a mattress on top. Most are very low, which I find ugly and uncomfortable. Back home, I saw such a box spring bed in a shop window. It was by VI Spring, a very good and expensive company. I decided that I wanted such a bed, and I was going to get it. That was the second step: I consciously decided what I wanted.

At the time I had no money, so I just ordered a catalog and looked online for other manufacturers of such beds. I found a company near me that imports beds from finland, so I went there, tried different beds, let them give me a cost estimate and said I would be coming back when I had money. That was the third step: concentrating on it, going to look at and try it, acting as if I was going to buy it. And feeling good while doing it, too - that's important!
Here is the shop:

Then I just kept it in my mind for a while, imagining where it would stand, how it would look, feel and sound. That was the next step: Visualising, feeling as if I already got it.

That is the logic of the Law of Attraction: In order to receive the bed, I had to feel like I already had the bed. I also got a new pillow, which was not very expensive, and concentrated on the comfort of it before I went to sleep at night.

If you think "Don't have good bed, want good bed" all the time, and notice the discomfort of your old bed or your current situation, the universe will send you the essence of your thought, which is: a lack of a good bed. So, you will not get a new bed. What I tried to reach instead were the thoughts and joyful feeling of already having the bed.

After graduation, when I had a part time job and some money, the time had finally come for the next step: actually getting my bed. I went back to the shop and took my time trying the beds again, choosing the most comfortable one. This time I ordered it. Now all I had to do was wait. Patience is not my strong point, but what could I do? And now, on Monday, it will be delivered. My old, narrow, creaky bed with the thin mattress can go, and I will sleep in a big, fat, springy luxurious bed!

As I said before: Wheeeee!

Flat

No, I'm not talking about ballet slippers. I will, but not today.

I'm talking about my flat. It is perfect for me, the perfect size (one room, a small kitchen and bathroom, with a balcony), beautiful view over the city and hills (it's on the 8th floor!), cheap and neat! I just have to get it!

At the moment I am still living with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them and my sisters and our dog and our flat where we lived for 25 years. But I am grown up now and ready to move on. And I can still visit them, we will live in the same city.

Until there is more money, I shall live rather simply. The greater part of the furniture will be my old things from my room, such as my desk, chair, armchair, shelves, bedside table etc. I will need a new big wardrobe, not just for clothes but for general storage. No clutter in a small flat! I'm thinking of sliding mirrored doors, so the wardrobe can double as a huge mirror wall for ballet! And a chest of drawers. Those are the most important pieces of furniture.

Then, I will of course install a barre. I have one now, a free standing one I built myself. Here it is:

But fixed to the wall is better, because it is more stable and I don't have to put it away after practising. The actual wooden barre can be taken off and attached to the wall.

Thank goodness I have been buying many kitchen things in the last months, so that I have enough pots and pans, knives, boards and lovely cutlery and cups. All I need are some small things and glasses and plates, but I can nick those from my parents, they have several sets. And then I'm going to buy a few small appliances like a kettle, scales, blender etc. My youngest sister said she will give me a telephone (she joked about a hamburger phone - NO!).

I am telling you, this is a dream coming true for me. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about having my own kitchen. With my own things in it. My own bathroom. My own hall. My own window with a window sill. Wheeeee! I'm so excited!

Of course, the most important thing is my bed. My new bed. That will arrive on Monday. Wheeee!  (But more about the bed later)
Oh, and the lamps! I love lamps, there are about seven lamps in my room right now. My favourite is my baby, my luxury object, the first really beautiful and expensive thing I ever got (not counting the chanel perfume): A bourgie lamp by Kartell. (Yes, it's transparent. And huge)

Of course I will post pictures of the decorating process and the result. So, dear readers, please cross your fingers, press your thumbs or do whatever you do to wish me luck with this flat!

Pivoting and Alignment

The last few days I have been ill and had to stay at home. I began to feel very down, all my hopes and expectations were gone. I began to worry about everything and just felt bad. This was made worse by feeling guilty for staying home and worrying what my boss was thinking.

There is a little flat I applied for that is perfect for me. I want it so much. As long as I was eager for it, planning, decorating in my mind, it was good. I was mostly convinced I was going to get it. But when I was down all sorts of doubts came, all the bad things I had ever heard about how hard it is to find a good flat etc. etc. came to mind.

I know by now how important my emotions are. If I feel bad, I try to make myself feel good again as fast as possible. So I tried to focus on the positive aspects of everything. (Okay, I'm sick, but hey I can sleep in and stay at home sitting around. Okay, I can't eat, but hey I'll lose weight.) And so on. But I had a hard time turning it around, or pivoting.

So, I went looking for something to help me feel better. There is an audio file called the Rampage of Appreciation on the Abraham website. I listened to that and it instantly made me feel good.

I also listen to Abraham on Youtube sometimes. Since I started it, everything in life got so much better; I am happier, have more fun and more money. And I am better in ballet, too. My foot (I had plantar fasciitis) got better, my strength came back, I dance with more joy and expression. And all that just because I changed my way of thinking. The concept is easy: Think, say and do what makes you feel good. Then you are in alignment. In alignment with who you really are.
It's exactly like in ballet: if you are in alignment, everything is easier and you will get better results.

There are still many habits in my life, habits of thought: concentrating on the problems, fear and self-consciousness. But now I at least see them, and when I catch myself feeling bad I try to pivot. And: I am getting better at it!

If you are down, if reality keeps slapping you in the face, if you feel like your life doesn't go in the right direction, why not try this pivoting process. Just think to yourself: Okay, now I know what I don't want. But what do I want? And then focus on that. Try it.

The First Post

Hello and welcome to my blog!

ME
I am a young woman, still single, recently graduated from university. Sometimes I love me. Sometimes I don't. Soon, I will be moving into my own little flat. And sort of start a new life, maybe? Can't wait. If you want to know more, have a look at my profile.

BALLET
My big passion is ballet, and after almost ten years as a fan from afar, I finally had the guts to start taking classes. That was three years ago, and I couldn't stop since. Who knows how far one can go?

A NEW WAY OF THINKING
Ever heard of the Law of Attraction? (The Secret? Anyone?) The teachings of Abraham?
My family, one friend and I are the only ones I know (personally) who know it and are practicing the art of deliberate creation. We're still beginners. Apparently it is spreading...
It has changed the way I see the world, life, everything.
Most others say it's humbug.

Petrified

I have spent a frustrating week. I wasted so much time because I was afraid to study. I had some nice moments too, like the afternoon in Es and the afternoon in Bi and the day full of tea and thunderstorms.

Yesterday, I had an amazing class. It wasn't that I was particularly good, I just felt challenged and inspired in equal measures. I had the intention to just go for it and I did it. It was so nice and I really had the feeling that I was dancing.

But then I got home and ate much too much and felt sick and lethargic. I became extremely tired and went to bed and slept for some hours. Then tonight I slept for about 9 hours again. I don't know whether it has anything to do with my asking my guides, hs and angels to reach me and teach me and work on me to make me more open, conscious and to reach my goals.

Oh, how I wish it was easter sunday again! And how I wish I could enjoy AND use my free time more! I just seem to sit for hours at my computer, living vicariously through forums and blogs, learning things about life by only reading about them instead of living them. I am so afraid of bad feelings, doubt, failure etc, that I am petrified! I feel cut off from the world, trying to hide my fears. I feel deaf and blind, like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Nothing is secure, I feel uprooted. Questions like "Where am I going to work, where am I going to live, how much am I going to earn, who is going to be with me?" are all still unanswered. There is a bend in the road of my life and it is approaching fast and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner. It is unsettling! I hate that state.
Now I'm crying. I felt those tears inside me for some time. Maybe the feelings will pass once I aknowledge them. But it hurts, I am afraid..

I cried for a few minutes. I felt fear, stress, anger, insecurity. I also think I felt a presence behind me, very subtly, I just knew somebody was there to comfort me. Maybe I just imagined it because I have been reading about angels. But I firmly believe in them and it is so comforting! I feel calmer now. Mam is having coffee and I'm going to join her, have tea and chocolate and be with my family for a while. It will do me good.

Then I will prepare for my job interview and then I will study! It will be good and all my heavenly helpers will help me!

A Dream. And a Wish

I just have to quickly write down my dream: I was sitting somewhere, next to me sat Dan. He was reading in Diane's small ring file, which was mine. It was a kind of diary or album, with ballet pictures, entries by me etc. We were sitting together in a friendly fashion and I had apparently given him permission to read it, and he apparently wanted to. From time to time, he came very near to me, so that our cheeks touched or almost, but I sensed a kind of aura and whenever it touched me, I thrilled. I was feeling this excitement that I rarely feel, which goes through my whole body. At first I was hiding it, but then it got so strong that I kind of breathed out loudly, tremblingly. I was thinking, why is he torturing me so if he isn't interested in me. And I wanted him to know how I felt.

Then he came on a page where something along the lines of "What makes me happy or helps me go on when everything is bad" was written. Under it stood "Kilian". In the dream, it was logical that Dan was meant by that. He read it and I read it and got a little frightened because I had forgotten it was standing there. Then he came close to me again and kissed me on the cheek, very tenderly. I felt a great joy and knew that he wanted me and that we were now officially in love. It seemed logical to me that he was now my boyfriend.

Then I dreamed other things, but again and again in the middle of things I remembered Dan and told everybody that I had a boyfriend now. I was only a little embarrassed.

The dream was first of all wonderfully beautiful because I was so happy. And secondly, I knew for sure upon waking: I want a man. Now. Not some time when I am thin. I want a boyfriend now, and a real romantic relationship. I am prepared to work on being less shy. I immediately placed an order. And then, because I had woken too early, I spun the story further, up to a real kiss and a promise. And I was wrestling with myself, but eventually I managed to give something as well in that scene, and not just receive; I laid my hand on the nape of his neck while kissing, and pulled him a little closer. My hand, as it is now. I find that incredibly erotic, by the way, when I see it or imagine it. So, Universe, send me a man who is ideal for me right now. During the autumn semester or around Christmas time.

(Translated from German)

Ich muss einfach schnell meinen Traum aufschreiben: ich sass irendwo, neben mir sass Dan. Er las in Dianes kleinem Ringbuch, das mir gehörte. Es war eine Art Tagebuch oder Album, mit Ballettbildern, Einträgen etc von mir. Wir sassen freundlich beisammen und ich hatte ihm offenbar erlaubt, es zu lesen und er wollte offenbar. Ab und zu kam er mir ganz nah, so dass unsere Wangen sich berührten oder fast, aber ich spürte eine Art Aura und immer wenn sie mich berührte, erschauderte ich. Ich spürte diese Erregung, die ich selten spüre, die durch den ganzen Körper geht. Zuerst verbarg ich es, doch dann wurde es so stark, dass ich irgenwie laut zitternd ausatmete. Ich dachte, wieso quält er mich so, wenn er nichts von mir will. Und ich wollte, dass er weiss, wie ich fühle.
Dann kam er auf eine Seite, auf der etwas stand im Sinne von: was mich glücklich macht oder mir hilft, weiterzumachen wenn alles schlimm ist. Darunter stand unter anderem Kilian. Im traum war es logisch, dass Dan gemeint war. Er las es und ich auch und erschrak ein bisschen, weil ich vergessen hatte, dass es da stand. Dann kam er mir wieder nahe und küsste mich auf die Wange, ganz zärtlich. Ich spürte eine grosse Freude und wusste, dass er mich wollte und dass wir jetzt offiziell verliebt waren. Es schien mir logisch, dass er nun mein Freund war.
Danach träumte ich andere Dinge, aber immer wieder mitten im Geschehen erinnerte ich mich an Dan und sagte allen, ich hätte nun einen Freund. Es war mir nur wenig peinlich.

Der Traum war erstens wunderschön, weil ich so glücklich war. Und zweitens wusste ich beim Aufwachen genau: Ich will einen Mann. Jetzt. Nicht irgenwann, wenn ich dann mal schlank bin. Ich will jetzt einen Freund und eine echte Liebesbeziehung. Ich will auch daran arbeiten, weniger schüchtern zu sein. Ich gab sofort die Bestellung auf. Und dann, weil ich zu früh erwacht war, spann ich die Szene weiter bis zu einem richtigen Kuss und einem Versprechen. Und ich kämpfte mit mir, aber schliesslich konnte ich in der Szene auch etwas geben und nicht nur empfangen, ich legte meine Hand in seinen Nacken beim Küssen und zog ihn ein wenig heran. Meine Hand, wie sie jetzt ist. Das finde ich übrigens unglaublich erotisch, wenn ich das sehe oder mir vorstelle. Also Universum: Schick mir einen Mann, der jetzt gerade ideal für mich ist. Innerhalb des Herbstsemesters oder um die Weihnachtszeit.

Petulant

Last week I was ill and lying in front of the tv all day from Monday to Thursday. Although I wasn't feeling well, I totally enjoyed it somehow.

I want my Finis Jhung DVDs.

I don't want to work.

I want friends.

I want to be slender and dance en pointe and jump!!!

I want to become brilliant and rich and famous.

I want a partner you can go through thick and thin with!

I want to be loved and wanted by my family!

I want to be beautiful and share beauty.

Back home...

I just had a long conversation with Mam. She comforted me when I was suddenly afraid for a moment.

The drive was tedious today. In Italy, it was still ok, but there were misunderstandings all the time and Papa was often overaroused and totally overreacting accordingly. I found that terrible. It ruined the drive for me, the last part of the holidays. I was in part really wishing we'd have a fatal accident. I didn't want to arrive, didn't want to continue my professional life. I wanted to keep that "escapist" feeling I had on holiday. That suspension of identity, time and place. In that state, I can walk around with sunglasses and painted lips, which I would be embarrassed about in B, because many people know me otherwise. In that state, I can eat deep-fried mozzarella sticks standing in front of a roadhouse and gossip loudly because nobody understands.

Half Way, Rimini

This night, I had been dreaming something that got me into an at-home-mood upon waking up. I don't know what it was, but somehow I felt like at home, a slight unrest.

We ate breakfast and packed and scurried etc., it was very hot. Much later than planned (12 instead of 10 o'clock) we left. I savoured the drive through Gargano to the fullest one last time. We all agreed that it was very beautiful there.

We got on smoothly and were in Rimini as early as six. There we checked into our hotel and then went for a walk along the beach. Sina was looking for her hotel from her school trip, but it was too far away. We went back to the hotel, browsing in tourist shops on the way. I spontaneously got a hip veil/belt for Mam with tinkling coins, as a Christmas gift and an encouragement to start belly dancing. Then I also got a hand-reading from a fortune-teller machine, just for fun.

We ate at a restaurant close by the hotel, Almoccolo. It was very good, but the portions were huge. The seafood was incredible. We were offered Limoncino in the end and toasted our beautiful holidays. I liked that. We are, despite everything, a good family!

After that, full and satisfied, we went back to the hotel to sleep. I washed my hair and then read some Scotland Street.

Many Partings

Today, I woke at seven. I got up and left the village, because I wanted to enjoy the new sun and the morning atmosphere once more. Then I went straight back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. So many thoughts about my studies and my future were worrying me. I faced them, and visualized better circumstances and a better mood, until I eventually felt as if I were at peace with this matter. Then I fell asleep and woke again at nine. We had breakfast and Mam and Papa drove to the market. I got the computer and wrote down all the days.
It's very hot right now.

Later, I ate something, then we went to the beach at some point. Papa embarrassed me by singing, Sina didn't wait for me and eventually, I got annoyed waiting for Mam. I indulged in ballet jumps in the water once more, extensions, turning and diving and floating. Then I left.

At home, I showered and began packing a few things. But then I saw the sun, which was setting golden-red. I got myself a nectarine and sat down on Mam's patio, where you could see the sunset nicely. It was peaceful and beautiful and I savoured it. Mam and Papa were there and we spoke a little together, and it was good.

Then I packed and got ready. We ate at Mezzaluna, and I ordered white profiteroles which were very yummy. At home, I also ate ice cream, even though I was essentially full, because I wanted to say goodbye to it again. After, I browsed a little in the Ballet Companion and then went to sleep.

(This entry was translated from German)

Just another Day

This morning, the parents and Sina went to V. I stayed at home and did some fantasizing, then I did the dishes and made stewed peaches. After that I fantasized some more until a beautiful culmination. The second one wasn't as beautiful.

I was reading ballet books, at first in bed, but then I thought it a waste missing this fine day, so I dressed warmly and went on reading on the patio. It wasn't cold, but in the shade and wind it was rather cool. Because I had eaten a lot for breakfast I wasn't hungry when we went to the beach in the afternoon. The water was very cold, but this time I dared to dive under a little sooner. Sina came too, but we didn't play together anymore. Then she went back because she was cold. Mam came too, and also Diane with Tibby. Diane came into the water while Mam was holding him on the beach. He was whimpering heart-rendingly, but Diane swam with me a little and we played tag, and she did some ballet. I am always slightly afraid she might be better than I. Well, her legs may, for anatomical reasons, go higher than mine, but my technique is logically much better.


Later, Mam came back and Tibby played with a dog on the beach, very cute. Mam and I went home last. I showered and put on lotion and then I was so incredibly hungry and annoyed by Papa who was making bean and lentil salads at our place. So I went over to Mam and got myself some ice cream. We had dinner a little later. There were grilled lamb steaks (very yummy) and quails. I only tried a bite of the quails, it was very aromatic, but somehow I had reservations about eating them, because I find quails so cute and used to want to keep some. For dessert there was more ice cream. I had sawed off the top of the ice cream container to make it fit into our freezer, which has the perfect ice cream temperature. Sadly, Mam dropped the ice cream on serving it, and of course it fell out. Diane and Sina were screaming with laughter, but I found it gross that she just put it back in the container.

While we were fumigating the rooms with insect spray we were sitting in the living room and Sina did me the favour of looking at the ballet books a little with me. A few days earlier, I had left them there on purpose, hoping that Diane and Sina would look at them. At least Sina did it, which made me happy. Afterwards I was reading a little, but the book was falling out of my hands and I put out the light.

Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o'clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn't go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn't trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love... Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.


At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn't dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn't even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn't buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a 'sweet pain'.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant 'Box 19' in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we've been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn't drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.