Snippets

1 August:
I am in a strange lazy-hazy mood. Am watching Chatter Girl all day long, lying on my bed on a heap of pillows. I feel disconnected from the world. It is rainy.

4 August:
I had to get up at 6 a.m. And go to the W hospital. Toby B was there.
I had a good ballet class. I did all the pointe exercises en demi. Mam will come and watch next week.

5 August:
Second day of W hospital. It is interesting. It challenges me. It makes me appreciate my free time more. Only one more day.

6 August:
Last day of W hospital. It was a good thing for me to do. I feel more alive and conscious. Too much free time makes me waste it.

AS ballet classes went very well. I could hold my own in the beginner level for once. The last few times I was mostly struggling with the speed, but this time it went well. We did some killer exercises. That is good, I need to be fit next weekend. Workshop!!!!

8 August:
I plucked my eyebrows. It hurt a lot, but they are beautiful now. It does make a huge difference in my face. I feel prettier and more elegant and well-groomed. I am grateful to have enough eyebrow hair that naturally grows in a nice arch. All I had to do is thin it a little and accentuate the arch.

I also determined my currant skin type: combination skin, blemish-prone and slightly sun-damaged, with maybe Rosacea (it is sensitive). I am grateful that the bumps, redness and large pores are going away now.

9 August:
Ballet class was ok. I was in pain during the barre. Still sore maybe, or still cold. I am so looking forward to Mam's visit to the school on Wednesday! I imagined her sitting there all the time today. I hope Franca says something nice about me to her. But maybe not too much, in front of everybody. I hope there will not be too many girls. More than 5 like today, but less than 12.
I hope Mam sees what I want her to see: the hard work, the beauty, the joy. I hope she doesn't wear 'prejudice glasses'. I hope she doesn't wish for the class to end.

I want to be thin and light. I still think like I was taught: eating makes me fat. Now everytime I eat I think about the fact that eating makes me happy and happiness makes me thin.

I intend for a bottle of Chanel No.19 parfum to come into my life. I love the scent. And what I read about it makes me want it all the more: assertive, bold, elegant, all the traits I sometimes have and want to have.

I took out our waffle iron and made American waffles today. They are like pancakes. A little boring. They always eat waffles on Chatter Girl, and it reminded me of our waffle iron that we never used, so I tried it. I also made a martini yesterday. It was ok, but I would like something more sweet.

10 August:
I just made vegetable lasagna with Diane and Sina. It is in the oven now. I slept till 11 o'clock. Maybe I will make Belgian waffles this afternoon.

New Stuff

On monday we bought the new wardrobe and half finished putting it together. We had taken apart the old one on sunday.
On tuesday we finished and started sorting our things back in. I began to sort out all my things. It is tedious and tiring, so I didn't finish.

Yesterday we went to L.burg to buy cosmetics in M. I got a good blush, sunscreen and pressed powder foundation by clinique. The moisturiser was too expensive. 55 Euros! I tried out all my new things and am content. Only the sunscreen burned me today, although it is made for sensitive skin! I am sure it will feel fine tomorrow.
Today I want to buy more beauty products. A face wash, a powder brush, a make up remover, maybe a blush brush, maybe something more.

Down in the Dumps

I have been shopping for beauty products for the last two days. I found two internet sites that quite enlightened me in terms of cosmetics knowledge. I know now which products work and why, and which are just useless. All those cellulite products for example. By and by, I want to have good products for my whole body.

We have just been to Germany for Dinner in a restaurant and ice cream later. It was really nice.
I have been up to my ears in cosmetics research. Last night was the second night I stayed up just to read and compare products. I found out that I got cheated by natural cosmetics and my face mask is bad for my skin. I want to read again although I am tired and my eyes burn. I am a little crazy.

At the beginning of the holidays I wanted to live consciously, meditate, exercise and practice. I wanted to cook and go through all our junk and tidy up the flat.
What I do instead is read, watch tv, shop and make chocolates. I feel that I am living unconsciously, I am losing my sense of time, I find it hard to go to sleep or to be still, I feel lazy. I just agreed to really go through all our stuff with Sina, but I feel a great disgust towards it, the exertion, the time I have to invest etc. Even my room is a mess, the floor is dirty, the sofa covered with clothes and boxes and stuff, the desk and drawers littered with junk and paper... I know I have to organise and tidy up, but I am somehow reluctant to do it.

I have been emailing with Nicole, a 30year old woman who will share a room with me during the workshop in R. It makes me happy to talk and I have been waiting for her emails eagerly.

Diane failed her exams. I don't know whether this is good or bad for her in the long run. She is sad and doesn't know what to do next. My parents are disappointed and angry and sad. I am sorry for her and feel uncomfortable at home.

I want to use the Law of Attraction to make this tidying up easy and effective. I want to live! Consciously!

Hopes and Plans

I have decided to take better care of my body, especially my skin, hair etc. If I want to attract my beautiful body I have to act like I already have it. If I were beautiful I would use a little makeup, nail varnish and wear jewellery.
I always believed in the boundaries I was taught, until now.
I am so happy! Soon I will be thin, beautiful, en pointe, have friends and money and everything I thought I couldn't! All I have to do is believe, feel and act accordingly, and receive with gratitude the rich gifts of the universe!
I am grateful for every event in my past, even the worst experiences, because they brought me to where I am now, they brought me to the understanding I have now.

I want to meditate daily for at least 10 minutes. And I will start a crunches challenge with Diane. I want to live consciously so I can really use the law of attraction!

Love - the first Step

I love me.

After a week of strong longing, wanting, desire, unrest, self-doubt and changes, I told myself that I love me tonight. At midnight. I stood in front of the oven, my lips were wet from drinking water. I saw the reflection of my chin and lips in the glass. I found them beautiful and desirable, I wanted to kiss myself. In the bathroom I did, I kissed my own reflection on the lips, as I would kiss my lover if one was here, eyes closed and all. Then I held that feeling of love inside me, and looked myself in the eyes and told me that I love me.

It was a significant moment for me. I really felt loved, like I had always imagined I would feel if somebody told me he loved me. I got tears in my eyes. And I really felt love, like in my daydreams when I told someone I loved him.
I was the lover and the beloved.


A few days ago I had changed my mind. Before, I had always felt I didn't want a lover yet, after that period where I sort of had a crush on Dan. Now I wanted a lover. Watching Star Wars was the beginning, on my birthday. Ewan McGregor on screen has so much that I want in a partner.

In the last few weeks I had felt a growing love for me. But even though I felt the change and tried to, I could never look myself in the eyes and mean it. Never. Until tonight.

After the moment, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and liked everything I saw. I found myself beautiful. "I am seeing myself through the eyes of love" I thought. This is the way my lover will see me.

I have been watching more films with Ewan and tried to make a list of all his traits I love. While before there was only longing for such a man, there is now hope. I can attract the perfect mate. And I will. Now that I love myself, truly love myself, I will attract love into my life. Tonight was a big, important step. A quantum leap.

I feel calm and hopeful.

A death - and Joy, too

Uncle E. died today. I am only a little sad for myself and mostly sad for Aunt L., Cousin M. and Papa. He died well. Quickly, from a stroke or cerebral haemorrhage.


I had a good class tonight. I sweated a lot, but felt mostly strong and flexible. I watched the pointe part of class and during a boring moment I looked at my pointed feet in the mirror, sideways, and they looked good! Flexible enough for pointe even. And I felt like doing the others' exercises en demi-pointe. Afterwards I asked Franca whether I could do the pointe exercises with the others next time, flat. She said yes and she won't charge me anything because I may lack the strength to complete them. I am very happy about that!

Freedom at last

[Vegetarian]
Day 23: I feel ok. I overeat regularly. I tried two kinds of rice milk and soy milk. Soy milk has the nicest texture, but isn't sweet at all. I have to sweeten it to drink it pure or eat it with cereal. I feel that I can't go vegan, it's just too much bother. But for things like cereal etc. I can choose vegan milk at least.
I miss meat sometimes, when Papa is grilling chicken for example. It helps to tell myself that it's the body parts of a dead animal that suffered, but I still want to eat it.

[Ballet]

Yesterday in grand battement derrière I spontaneously tried to relax my neck and shoulders and my leg felt much more free and as if it went higher. My back felt sort of 'folded in half'.
And my splits are back to where they were before I overstretched.

My tights arrived - and they are too small! Damn! But since I 'ordered' a new body, they will soon fit me well!
Elena texted me yesterday to ask when the AS class was. She wants to come. I am looking forward to it very much. Unfortunately the game between Holland and Brasil will take place at exactly the same time as my classes! AS facilities will be closed after that for a whole month! Such a pity, when I have time at last!

The weather has been very hot. It started last Wednesday and has been getting hotter ever since. Fortunately the nights are cool. But I hate sweating! It overstimulates me. Except in ballet, where it is normal unless it's Franca's class in winter. 

The nusing home thing was good, actually. I made a few mistakes (overlooked something, didn't think of something) but most of the time I did well. I only did diagnostics and cleaning. Ben was content. Everybody was nice. We were done by lunchtime on Friday. I am grateful again to the patients. Many had cerebral palsy or had had a stroke or a brain injury. They sat in wheelchairs, some were crooked and couldn't speak. I felt healthy and whole and blessed compared to them. What does it matter that I can't relevé on one foot? That I am fat? I have legs and feet that work, I can speak and think and dance! I am grateful! And I feel sorry for them. I wonder whether they have their disability for themselves or because they want to help others.

The exam was yesterday. I guess I passed, I was sure of having the right answer in 44 questions out of 120. I hope I passed. When I had no clue, I opened my chakras and asked my guides. I trusted my perception and chose the answer that I suddenly saw or felt.

Now I have holidays! And I don't know where to begin! I am too lazy to start sorting out my stuff.