Friends and an embarrassing new Obsession

On Monday, ballet class was great. I felt hardly any soreness, felt like the best dancer and worked hard on my arms and head.
Yesterday however, everything hurt. In adagio I managed the arabesque piqué on demi-pointe. But my feet hurt a lot. Franca said that I didn't have bad feet when I told her about the workshop teachers comment about my feet. Then she watched closely whether I pointed well and said it must have been the greater speed.

Today Charlene and Marina came. We made chocolates. What makes me happy: Marina will come with me to ballet next Friday. Unfortunately Maurice will teach, but oh well.
I felt farther away from Charlene than ever. She gave me a necklace with a leaf pendant. Although we are so similar in parts I feel less comfortable with her than with Marina. That makes me sad. Cooking was stressful for me. I didn't want to make raspberry chocolates, but I gave in.

Now I will admit it: I have been watching Gossip Girl for three weeks. I have already seen all the episodes. At the moment I am rewatching them because I didn't consciously follow the relation between Blair and Chuck in the beginning. Something about Chuck appeals to me incredibly. He is "evil", rich, sexy, ridiculous in a way, and to be pitied. I can't describe it, but he captivates me similarly to Brian from QaF. Well, if you think about it, he resembles him a lot.

I started it when I had finished tidying up my room at last. All I wanted to do was lie around and watch something. But all the other series I knew of didn't really hold interest for me, except How I met your Mother, and with that I stumbled upon GG. In a way I had always been curious to watch it some time. And when I see beautiful and rich people I feel more beautiful and rich, too. So I told myself: You are curious, plus it could help you concentrate on beauty and abundance.

 (This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Ballet workshop weekend

I am back from the ballet workshop weekend! It was great. I got a "shot in the arm", a great motivation.
The teacher said I was more secure and stable, and that Nicole and I were quite advanced for our two years of ballet.
To do: He said I could have beautiful feet! If I stretched my instep and worked through my foot more. And I should work on arms and head/gaze, all the things that give dance expression and quality.
That was also what I spotted immediately when we were watching a taped performance. The dancer who had been at a great academy had a captivating expression in the simplest of movements, and that was only partly due to her great body/line. Bille said it was the arms that were always slightly lagging behind, like an echo.

Nicole said I was good. That I was doing everything very cleanly and correctly.
Kathy said I had nice feet. Nicole, too. And Kathy's feet are not more flexible than mine. I couldn't tell whether they were worse or not because her slippers were too big. It pleased me very much. My feet may not be great, but at all events they are better than I always believe. If I find them more beautiful now, and use them better, they will only get nicer! My extensions were not bad either, compared to Kathy and Nicole's.

We were a group of dancers. We talked about ballet. We watched ballet. The teacher got recognised about town, and all of us with our buns got recognised as dancers. That was wonderful! It fulfilled my wish of telling everybody that I love and dance ballet.

The classes were quite good. In part too fast, in part agonisingly slow. In any case interesting, different and challenging. Having good dancers before, behind and next to me was inspiring, but also intimidating.

Oh, by the way, I found the Bloch Pro Arch at G. They are very comfy and flattering. What a coincidence that the only pair they had fit me! That was the universe, I am sure. Somehow I had been expecting to find those slippers there.

And just now Kathy sent me such a nice email:

Hi Alienor,

I hope you made it to the train station on time! I kept thinking of you because of the traffic jam on the highway and hoping you made it!

Yesterday I immediately took myself to the bathtub, did the washing and let hubby make dinner. :)I went early to bed and slept like a log. Today I'm feeling my legs and my achilles tendons quite a bit, but it's going to be ok. Today I'm going to do absolutely nothing, but tomorrow I will take the last class from my card with a guest teacher from New York. I'm so curious/excited, I'm telling you! And until then I'll certainly feel better.

Tanja (C. From the Forums) told me to say hi. She wrote me the following: "Say hi to Alienor from me. I hardly 'know' her, but she always comes across as very nice on the forums." :)

Well, that's done. :)

I also wanted to tell you how happy your compliment made me at our parting. It's nice that you feel comfortable in my presence. That makes me happy! But people as nice as you make it easy to be kind to them. Because you are a great person. With great feet. See, even the teacher said that. :)
I would be very happy if you came to another such workshop sometimes. If it ever takes place in M you can stay with us!

Love, and hope to talk soon - it was nice with you!

Kathy

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Snippets

1 August:
I am in a strange lazy-hazy mood. Am watching Chatter Girl all day long, lying on my bed on a heap of pillows. I feel disconnected from the world. It is rainy.

4 August:
I had to get up at 6 a.m. And go to the W hospital. Toby B was there.
I had a good ballet class. I did all the pointe exercises en demi. Mam will come and watch next week.

5 August:
Second day of W hospital. It is interesting. It challenges me. It makes me appreciate my free time more. Only one more day.

6 August:
Last day of W hospital. It was a good thing for me to do. I feel more alive and conscious. Too much free time makes me waste it.

AS ballet classes went very well. I could hold my own in the beginner level for once. The last few times I was mostly struggling with the speed, but this time it went well. We did some killer exercises. That is good, I need to be fit next weekend. Workshop!!!!

8 August:
I plucked my eyebrows. It hurt a lot, but they are beautiful now. It does make a huge difference in my face. I feel prettier and more elegant and well-groomed. I am grateful to have enough eyebrow hair that naturally grows in a nice arch. All I had to do is thin it a little and accentuate the arch.

I also determined my currant skin type: combination skin, blemish-prone and slightly sun-damaged, with maybe Rosacea (it is sensitive). I am grateful that the bumps, redness and large pores are going away now.

9 August:
Ballet class was ok. I was in pain during the barre. Still sore maybe, or still cold. I am so looking forward to Mam's visit to the school on Wednesday! I imagined her sitting there all the time today. I hope Franca says something nice about me to her. But maybe not too much, in front of everybody. I hope there will not be too many girls. More than 5 like today, but less than 12.
I hope Mam sees what I want her to see: the hard work, the beauty, the joy. I hope she doesn't wear 'prejudice glasses'. I hope she doesn't wish for the class to end.

I want to be thin and light. I still think like I was taught: eating makes me fat. Now everytime I eat I think about the fact that eating makes me happy and happiness makes me thin.

I intend for a bottle of Chanel No.19 parfum to come into my life. I love the scent. And what I read about it makes me want it all the more: assertive, bold, elegant, all the traits I sometimes have and want to have.

I took out our waffle iron and made American waffles today. They are like pancakes. A little boring. They always eat waffles on Chatter Girl, and it reminded me of our waffle iron that we never used, so I tried it. I also made a martini yesterday. It was ok, but I would like something more sweet.

10 August:
I just made vegetable lasagna with Diane and Sina. It is in the oven now. I slept till 11 o'clock. Maybe I will make Belgian waffles this afternoon.

New Stuff

On monday we bought the new wardrobe and half finished putting it together. We had taken apart the old one on sunday.
On tuesday we finished and started sorting our things back in. I began to sort out all my things. It is tedious and tiring, so I didn't finish.

Yesterday we went to L.burg to buy cosmetics in M. I got a good blush, sunscreen and pressed powder foundation by clinique. The moisturiser was too expensive. 55 Euros! I tried out all my new things and am content. Only the sunscreen burned me today, although it is made for sensitive skin! I am sure it will feel fine tomorrow.
Today I want to buy more beauty products. A face wash, a powder brush, a make up remover, maybe a blush brush, maybe something more.

Down in the Dumps

I have been shopping for beauty products for the last two days. I found two internet sites that quite enlightened me in terms of cosmetics knowledge. I know now which products work and why, and which are just useless. All those cellulite products for example. By and by, I want to have good products for my whole body.

We have just been to Germany for Dinner in a restaurant and ice cream later. It was really nice.
I have been up to my ears in cosmetics research. Last night was the second night I stayed up just to read and compare products. I found out that I got cheated by natural cosmetics and my face mask is bad for my skin. I want to read again although I am tired and my eyes burn. I am a little crazy.

At the beginning of the holidays I wanted to live consciously, meditate, exercise and practice. I wanted to cook and go through all our junk and tidy up the flat.
What I do instead is read, watch tv, shop and make chocolates. I feel that I am living unconsciously, I am losing my sense of time, I find it hard to go to sleep or to be still, I feel lazy. I just agreed to really go through all our stuff with Sina, but I feel a great disgust towards it, the exertion, the time I have to invest etc. Even my room is a mess, the floor is dirty, the sofa covered with clothes and boxes and stuff, the desk and drawers littered with junk and paper... I know I have to organise and tidy up, but I am somehow reluctant to do it.

I have been emailing with Nicole, a 30year old woman who will share a room with me during the workshop in R. It makes me happy to talk and I have been waiting for her emails eagerly.

Diane failed her exams. I don't know whether this is good or bad for her in the long run. She is sad and doesn't know what to do next. My parents are disappointed and angry and sad. I am sorry for her and feel uncomfortable at home.

I want to use the Law of Attraction to make this tidying up easy and effective. I want to live! Consciously!

Hopes and Plans

I have decided to take better care of my body, especially my skin, hair etc. If I want to attract my beautiful body I have to act like I already have it. If I were beautiful I would use a little makeup, nail varnish and wear jewellery.
I always believed in the boundaries I was taught, until now.
I am so happy! Soon I will be thin, beautiful, en pointe, have friends and money and everything I thought I couldn't! All I have to do is believe, feel and act accordingly, and receive with gratitude the rich gifts of the universe!
I am grateful for every event in my past, even the worst experiences, because they brought me to where I am now, they brought me to the understanding I have now.

I want to meditate daily for at least 10 minutes. And I will start a crunches challenge with Diane. I want to live consciously so I can really use the law of attraction!

Love - the first Step

I love me.

After a week of strong longing, wanting, desire, unrest, self-doubt and changes, I told myself that I love me tonight. At midnight. I stood in front of the oven, my lips were wet from drinking water. I saw the reflection of my chin and lips in the glass. I found them beautiful and desirable, I wanted to kiss myself. In the bathroom I did, I kissed my own reflection on the lips, as I would kiss my lover if one was here, eyes closed and all. Then I held that feeling of love inside me, and looked myself in the eyes and told me that I love me.

It was a significant moment for me. I really felt loved, like I had always imagined I would feel if somebody told me he loved me. I got tears in my eyes. And I really felt love, like in my daydreams when I told someone I loved him.
I was the lover and the beloved.


A few days ago I had changed my mind. Before, I had always felt I didn't want a lover yet, after that period where I sort of had a crush on Dan. Now I wanted a lover. Watching Star Wars was the beginning, on my birthday. Ewan McGregor on screen has so much that I want in a partner.

In the last few weeks I had felt a growing love for me. But even though I felt the change and tried to, I could never look myself in the eyes and mean it. Never. Until tonight.

After the moment, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and liked everything I saw. I found myself beautiful. "I am seeing myself through the eyes of love" I thought. This is the way my lover will see me.

I have been watching more films with Ewan and tried to make a list of all his traits I love. While before there was only longing for such a man, there is now hope. I can attract the perfect mate. And I will. Now that I love myself, truly love myself, I will attract love into my life. Tonight was a big, important step. A quantum leap.

I feel calm and hopeful.