Love - the first Step

I love me.

After a week of strong longing, wanting, desire, unrest, self-doubt and changes, I told myself that I love me tonight. At midnight. I stood in front of the oven, my lips were wet from drinking water. I saw the reflection of my chin and lips in the glass. I found them beautiful and desirable, I wanted to kiss myself. In the bathroom I did, I kissed my own reflection on the lips, as I would kiss my lover if one was here, eyes closed and all. Then I held that feeling of love inside me, and looked myself in the eyes and told me that I love me.

It was a significant moment for me. I really felt loved, like I had always imagined I would feel if somebody told me he loved me. I got tears in my eyes. And I really felt love, like in my daydreams when I told someone I loved him.
I was the lover and the beloved.


A few days ago I had changed my mind. Before, I had always felt I didn't want a lover yet, after that period where I sort of had a crush on Dan. Now I wanted a lover. Watching Star Wars was the beginning, on my birthday. Ewan McGregor on screen has so much that I want in a partner.

In the last few weeks I had felt a growing love for me. But even though I felt the change and tried to, I could never look myself in the eyes and mean it. Never. Until tonight.

After the moment, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and liked everything I saw. I found myself beautiful. "I am seeing myself through the eyes of love" I thought. This is the way my lover will see me.

I have been watching more films with Ewan and tried to make a list of all his traits I love. While before there was only longing for such a man, there is now hope. I can attract the perfect mate. And I will. Now that I love myself, truly love myself, I will attract love into my life. Tonight was a big, important step. A quantum leap.

I feel calm and hopeful.

A death - and Joy, too

Uncle E. died today. I am only a little sad for myself and mostly sad for Aunt L., Cousin M. and Papa. He died well. Quickly, from a stroke or cerebral haemorrhage.


I had a good class tonight. I sweated a lot, but felt mostly strong and flexible. I watched the pointe part of class and during a boring moment I looked at my pointed feet in the mirror, sideways, and they looked good! Flexible enough for pointe even. And I felt like doing the others' exercises en demi-pointe. Afterwards I asked Franca whether I could do the pointe exercises with the others next time, flat. She said yes and she won't charge me anything because I may lack the strength to complete them. I am very happy about that!

Freedom at last

[Vegetarian]
Day 23: I feel ok. I overeat regularly. I tried two kinds of rice milk and soy milk. Soy milk has the nicest texture, but isn't sweet at all. I have to sweeten it to drink it pure or eat it with cereal. I feel that I can't go vegan, it's just too much bother. But for things like cereal etc. I can choose vegan milk at least.
I miss meat sometimes, when Papa is grilling chicken for example. It helps to tell myself that it's the body parts of a dead animal that suffered, but I still want to eat it.

[Ballet]

Yesterday in grand battement derrière I spontaneously tried to relax my neck and shoulders and my leg felt much more free and as if it went higher. My back felt sort of 'folded in half'.
And my splits are back to where they were before I overstretched.

My tights arrived - and they are too small! Damn! But since I 'ordered' a new body, they will soon fit me well!
Elena texted me yesterday to ask when the AS class was. She wants to come. I am looking forward to it very much. Unfortunately the game between Holland and Brasil will take place at exactly the same time as my classes! AS facilities will be closed after that for a whole month! Such a pity, when I have time at last!

The weather has been very hot. It started last Wednesday and has been getting hotter ever since. Fortunately the nights are cool. But I hate sweating! It overstimulates me. Except in ballet, where it is normal unless it's Franca's class in winter. 

The nusing home thing was good, actually. I made a few mistakes (overlooked something, didn't think of something) but most of the time I did well. I only did diagnostics and cleaning. Ben was content. Everybody was nice. We were done by lunchtime on Friday. I am grateful again to the patients. Many had cerebral palsy or had had a stroke or a brain injury. They sat in wheelchairs, some were crooked and couldn't speak. I felt healthy and whole and blessed compared to them. What does it matter that I can't relevé on one foot? That I am fat? I have legs and feet that work, I can speak and think and dance! I am grateful! And I feel sorry for them. I wonder whether they have their disability for themselves or because they want to help others.

The exam was yesterday. I guess I passed, I was sure of having the right answer in 44 questions out of 120. I hope I passed. When I had no clue, I opened my chakras and asked my guides. I trusted my perception and chose the answer that I suddenly saw or felt.

Now I have holidays! And I don't know where to begin! I am too lazy to start sorting out my stuff.

Hopeful plans

I am studying and dancing and watching football at the moment. There is no time for anything else. I do watch a lot of football, but it is great. The exam is on Monday, 28th June. 

What is bothering me is that I have to go to this nursing home on Thursday and Friday. I am afraid of failing, sweating, getting overstimulated or dehydrated or getting stomach problems. Also of disgusting sights or very uncooperative patients or mean assistants. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! But I have to, so I will make the best of it. It is only a few hours. If I'm lucky we will be done by 3 pm like others. The last time was actually good for me. I think I grew a little during that day. I am grateful to the patients with dementia, because they teach us patience, compassion and gratitude.
 
After the exam I will be free to do what I like. I will go to floor barre and want to try pilates, I'll take many ballet classes and go swimming and practice Franklin exercises. I will cook and tidy up my whole room and get rid of lots of stuff! And then I will buy a new wardrobe! It will be great! 

Weight, Ballet, Procrastination: bleh

[Dream]
From Tuesday:

Papa had rented a van, to get rid of old furniture. It was parked in front of the house. It was Sunday and I was tense/embarrassed because of it.
Mam was pregnant and wanted to give birth at home. The child was to be named Irena and something else she only wanted to decide when she saw the baby.

Many people were sitting around a table. Grandma was there, too. An old man was happily telling stories from his younger days.

I heard Nit shouting through the ceiling: Now I have bought a new table? For a guest(s) and then they don't come! Maybe they were with us.

I looked into the mirror and saw that my middle lower front teeth were fractured. Broken off at the level of the gums. The pieces were in my mouth and I took them out and wanted to preserve them. I felt a little pain. I was dismayed to have broken teeth and was wondering whether I would need a bridge or if they might be stuck on again.

[Vegetarian]

Day 11: I bought rice milk yesterday and ate it with cereal and as cocoa. It was ok, although it doesn't taste like milk when drunk pure. It is too sweet and watery and malty.

I had some cravings for cold meat and smoked salmon, but when I eat olives they disappear pretty quickly. It helps to know this is only a temporary thing. And olives are cold and salty and 'wet' like meat, so they kind of fill the same need.

Otherwise I feel good without meat. My digestion is good, except when I overeat, which happens too often these days.

[Ballet]

Yesterday I went to class. I felt heavy and tense again most of the time. I think it is because I have gained a few kilos recently. I really want to be thin to dance better. EVERYTHING would improve if I was lighter: alignment, extension, demi-pointe, balance, I could jump and start pointework. I am so frustrated and hate my fatness and with it myself. I know this is bad, but I can't help it.

 [Goals]
[Productivity]

It is all connected: My lack of self-discipline makes me feel bad, which makes me eat, which makes me feel bad etc etc.

I just feel like I CAN'T work. I feel so bad while I study, so I don't. "Self-discipline is the ability to take action regardless of how you feel", said S.P.? Last summer I wanted to learn that, but didn't. Now, this year, I still can't study, exercise or get up at a reasonable time. This ruins my self-esteem and makes me do things that are counterproductive.

Why can't I get up when the alarm goes off?
I feel tired and getting up feels hard. Sleeping on feels luxurious.
I am reminded of days when I had to get up and do something difficult/uncomfortable.
I think of the work I have ahead of me and get bad feelings. Sleeping is nice, so I sleep on.

Why can't I study for a few hours every day?
I feel like I need to do something else that can't wait
I feel stupid and slow, like it doesn't make a difference whether I study or not, I will not learn anything anyway
I think of my future and my fears while studying, and of the things I ought to know but have forgotten

New Ballet Class and Handbag

[Dream]

I was watching a long film in a dark, large room. There were people wanting to com e  in all the time. Two girls danced a courtly dance in the movie, then it turned into a lesbian erotic scene (one girl touching the other's bosom). The children were still young, 13 at most. The scene was very delicately filmed, very beautifully lit.
 Then there came heavy rain against the window. I knew it was some sort of test. I had to hold the window closed and check for any leaks. (maybe the rain was real, against my window)
When I had finally finished watching the film (it was long and there were many interruptions, people shouting through the walls etc.) Diane/Sina and a female colleague/Kiki asked me what I had been doing. Then they said: you didn't do any studying until now?

There was a child running around. I played with her in a park, with balletic gestures.
The girl/I was ill. She/I swooned all the time and had spots at the mouth. She/I had to go to the hospital. The father/Papa was stressed.
A police festival. The chief (woman) said something sitting in a chair. Her pink cardigan? Fell apart. Later she died. I saw a blue light above her face and then over her mouth. Then I knew she was dead.
The girl died like this, too.

[Ballet]
We have a new program in ballet class. Lots of expressive arms and demi-pointe. I perspired so much today. But it wasn't boring at all!

[Psychic development]
I acted on the suggestions I got yesterday. I went to MC. There was no young man anywhere, and no brown bag, and the CDs were bad, but I found a beautiful red leather handbag, great size and reasonable prize. I bought it and went home again. I don't know what to make of this. I don't trust myself, don't believe the message came from my guides at all. I believe I just fooled myself mostly. But who knows. I'm going to continue doing this!

Dreams, Cupcakes, Struggle, Automatic Writing

[Dream]

I got a call from S. Pavlina, or was it Ernst? I didn't understand what he said, just hi and that I was going to get something from him. He sent me a gift. I was very curious what it might be, but it was only a very large coloured napkin used in nail studios. It was white with purple, green and red wavy stripes on it.

Then I was in a supermarket. I knew it was in the USA. I looked at the things they sold. Many cheese making utensils. Tibby was there and begged. I wanted to feed him something, but Diane forbade it.

Something about Ernst. In some way I understood that S. was my new Ernst?

[Cooking]
Yesterday I made pea risotto after Jamie Oliver. It was good, a little sweet.
Today I  want to make cupcakes.

Later: my cupcakes were a failure. Half a failure. The cakes turned out very well, moist and springy. The frosting however... is liquid. I made it with instant vanilla cream but wanted to save on butter. Then it separated and I tried to bind it with powdered sugar. Then with cornstarch. Then I tried to cool it. Nothing worked. Now it's almost as sweet as American frosting, but liquid. I'm really disappointed.

For lunch I made 'Moorish crunch salad'. I love this salad.

I tried on my demi-pointes just now and looked how my feet would look en pointe. I believe I would just manage to get over the box if I had good shoes. But it doesn't matter anyway because I'm FAT, FAT, FAT! And i can't seem to eat consciously anymore, and I have lost my desire to dance because I feel heavy and fat and I just eat and eat! I get so angry at myself. I know I should study and eat consciously and go to classes and practice. But I just eat, watch football games and lie around. The only thing I do at the moment that I planned to do is working on my psychic development (remembering my dreams, raising my vibration with the CD and not eating meat). But I am afraid to try to meet my guides and higher self. Afraid that it might not work like the first time, that I will get confused and not trust my senses anymore, or that they will tell me to do something difficult. Like a doctor's thesis, an internship, a public spectacle.
OK. Maybe this fear or conflict is what makes me eat and kill time. Maybe I should just try some automatic writing?

An hour or so later... I think I'm scared. Ok, here I come...

Is anybody here?
Yes. We are.

Who are you?
Your guides.

Is there anything I should know right now?
Yes, study, you need to study.

How can I study without so many bad feelings?
Just study.
Sit. Write.

Thank you!

How can I lose weight. I really want to be thin. I want it so much!
Remember how you felt. What you want. Vaganova dream. Stretching.

Who touched my arm yesterday?
You. A spider.

Was it a spirit?
No, it was you.

Where is my fly screen?
Up wardrobe. Big door up right.

Where are my witch notes?
Pink file. Don't know.

How can I remember my dreams better?
Go to bed early, don't read. Orange flower tea.

Is it good to be vegetarian?
Yes.

Should I be vegan.
Maybe. Later.

Should I be a dentist.
Yes. Help people. Empathy. Consciousness.

Should I go to modern dance class?
Not yet. It will hurt.

How can I speak to you more easily? In dreams?
Yes. Lucid dreams. We will be waiting.

Thank you. I love you. Do you love me too?
Yes. Of course. We love you. We are your fan club.

Should I tell the others about this talk.
No. You do this for yourself.

May I tell them that I'm happy because of it?
 Yes

How can I get more money?
Limit your wants. Cosmetics, MC.

Should I go there or avoid it?
Yes and no.

Should I buy something there?
Yes. A bag. A brown bag with pink inside.

What if I don't like that bag?
Don't buy it.

Why should I buy it?
You will meet a young man.

When should I go?
Now. Monday

Morning?
Wash your hair and go.

I can't afford it now. And I don't trust myself enough to buy something because you said so.
Ok.

Are you really my guides? Or are you fooling me.
Yes no yes no.

Are you really my guides?
Yes we ARE!

Ok, sorry. You know this is very confusing and new for me.
We understand. Don't give up. Come back often.

I will. Thank you.

Should I know anything more now?
No, you can go.

What about this CD I see?
Yes, buy it.

What about my hair? Should I cut it?
Yes.

And how long?
Layers. Shoulder.

Thank you. I love you.
We love you too, goodbye!
Goodbye

Wow. I opened my chakras and it really felt strange. Towards the second half of the writing I began to feel dizzy and felt the answers more clearly, doubted less. So tomorrow morning I should go to Migros city to buy a bag and a meditation CD and meet a young man. I really am very insecure about this. But the love seemed real. Also the "you do this for yourself" sentence really seemed to come from outside me. As did the "we will be waiting". And "come back often". I guess it is really important to trust myself and my feelings. Of course  I might be fooling myself. But my belief in guides and HS etc. Is 99% at the moment... So all I need to do is practice communicating with them. Sweet that they said they are my fan club. I saw them in my mind's eye as a group of laughing people standing very closely together in the corner of a twilit room. Maybe they are other spirits fooling with me. Maybe I have funny guides. Maybe I interpreted it wrong. Orange flower tea? They want me to buy things to save money? Well, I'll go to Migros and look at the bags and the men. And I'll drink tea at night, herbal tea. And I'll do this again soon. And I'll study, of course. Right now, make tea and study!