A Dream. And a Wish

I just have to quickly write down my dream: I was sitting somewhere, next to me sat Dan. He was reading in Diane's small ring file, which was mine. It was a kind of diary or album, with ballet pictures, entries by me etc. We were sitting together in a friendly fashion and I had apparently given him permission to read it, and he apparently wanted to. From time to time, he came very near to me, so that our cheeks touched or almost, but I sensed a kind of aura and whenever it touched me, I thrilled. I was feeling this excitement that I rarely feel, which goes through my whole body. At first I was hiding it, but then it got so strong that I kind of breathed out loudly, tremblingly. I was thinking, why is he torturing me so if he isn't interested in me. And I wanted him to know how I felt.

Then he came on a page where something along the lines of "What makes me happy or helps me go on when everything is bad" was written. Under it stood "Kilian". In the dream, it was logical that Dan was meant by that. He read it and I read it and got a little frightened because I had forgotten it was standing there. Then he came close to me again and kissed me on the cheek, very tenderly. I felt a great joy and knew that he wanted me and that we were now officially in love. It seemed logical to me that he was now my boyfriend.

Then I dreamed other things, but again and again in the middle of things I remembered Dan and told everybody that I had a boyfriend now. I was only a little embarrassed.

The dream was first of all wonderfully beautiful because I was so happy. And secondly, I knew for sure upon waking: I want a man. Now. Not some time when I am thin. I want a boyfriend now, and a real romantic relationship. I am prepared to work on being less shy. I immediately placed an order. And then, because I had woken too early, I spun the story further, up to a real kiss and a promise. And I was wrestling with myself, but eventually I managed to give something as well in that scene, and not just receive; I laid my hand on the nape of his neck while kissing, and pulled him a little closer. My hand, as it is now. I find that incredibly erotic, by the way, when I see it or imagine it. So, Universe, send me a man who is ideal for me right now. During the autumn semester or around Christmas time.

(Translated from German)

Ich muss einfach schnell meinen Traum aufschreiben: ich sass irendwo, neben mir sass Dan. Er las in Dianes kleinem Ringbuch, das mir gehörte. Es war eine Art Tagebuch oder Album, mit Ballettbildern, Einträgen etc von mir. Wir sassen freundlich beisammen und ich hatte ihm offenbar erlaubt, es zu lesen und er wollte offenbar. Ab und zu kam er mir ganz nah, so dass unsere Wangen sich berührten oder fast, aber ich spürte eine Art Aura und immer wenn sie mich berührte, erschauderte ich. Ich spürte diese Erregung, die ich selten spüre, die durch den ganzen Körper geht. Zuerst verbarg ich es, doch dann wurde es so stark, dass ich irgenwie laut zitternd ausatmete. Ich dachte, wieso quält er mich so, wenn er nichts von mir will. Und ich wollte, dass er weiss, wie ich fühle.
Dann kam er auf eine Seite, auf der etwas stand im Sinne von: was mich glücklich macht oder mir hilft, weiterzumachen wenn alles schlimm ist. Darunter stand unter anderem Kilian. Im traum war es logisch, dass Dan gemeint war. Er las es und ich auch und erschrak ein bisschen, weil ich vergessen hatte, dass es da stand. Dann kam er mir wieder nahe und küsste mich auf die Wange, ganz zärtlich. Ich spürte eine grosse Freude und wusste, dass er mich wollte und dass wir jetzt offiziell verliebt waren. Es schien mir logisch, dass er nun mein Freund war.
Danach träumte ich andere Dinge, aber immer wieder mitten im Geschehen erinnerte ich mich an Dan und sagte allen, ich hätte nun einen Freund. Es war mir nur wenig peinlich.

Der Traum war erstens wunderschön, weil ich so glücklich war. Und zweitens wusste ich beim Aufwachen genau: Ich will einen Mann. Jetzt. Nicht irgenwann, wenn ich dann mal schlank bin. Ich will jetzt einen Freund und eine echte Liebesbeziehung. Ich will auch daran arbeiten, weniger schüchtern zu sein. Ich gab sofort die Bestellung auf. Und dann, weil ich zu früh erwacht war, spann ich die Szene weiter bis zu einem richtigen Kuss und einem Versprechen. Und ich kämpfte mit mir, aber schliesslich konnte ich in der Szene auch etwas geben und nicht nur empfangen, ich legte meine Hand in seinen Nacken beim Küssen und zog ihn ein wenig heran. Meine Hand, wie sie jetzt ist. Das finde ich übrigens unglaublich erotisch, wenn ich das sehe oder mir vorstelle. Also Universum: Schick mir einen Mann, der jetzt gerade ideal für mich ist. Innerhalb des Herbstsemesters oder um die Weihnachtszeit.

Petulant

Last week I was ill and lying in front of the tv all day from Monday to Thursday. Although I wasn't feeling well, I totally enjoyed it somehow.

I want my Finis Jhung DVDs.

I don't want to work.

I want friends.

I want to be slender and dance en pointe and jump!!!

I want to become brilliant and rich and famous.

I want a partner you can go through thick and thin with!

I want to be loved and wanted by my family!

I want to be beautiful and share beauty.

Back home...

I just had a long conversation with Mam. She comforted me when I was suddenly afraid for a moment.

The drive was tedious today. In Italy, it was still ok, but there were misunderstandings all the time and Papa was often overaroused and totally overreacting accordingly. I found that terrible. It ruined the drive for me, the last part of the holidays. I was in part really wishing we'd have a fatal accident. I didn't want to arrive, didn't want to continue my professional life. I wanted to keep that "escapist" feeling I had on holiday. That suspension of identity, time and place. In that state, I can walk around with sunglasses and painted lips, which I would be embarrassed about in B, because many people know me otherwise. In that state, I can eat deep-fried mozzarella sticks standing in front of a roadhouse and gossip loudly because nobody understands.

Half Way, Rimini

This night, I had been dreaming something that got me into an at-home-mood upon waking up. I don't know what it was, but somehow I felt like at home, a slight unrest.

We ate breakfast and packed and scurried etc., it was very hot. Much later than planned (12 instead of 10 o'clock) we left. I savoured the drive through Gargano to the fullest one last time. We all agreed that it was very beautiful there.

We got on smoothly and were in Rimini as early as six. There we checked into our hotel and then went for a walk along the beach. Sina was looking for her hotel from her school trip, but it was too far away. We went back to the hotel, browsing in tourist shops on the way. I spontaneously got a hip veil/belt for Mam with tinkling coins, as a Christmas gift and an encouragement to start belly dancing. Then I also got a hand-reading from a fortune-teller machine, just for fun.

We ate at a restaurant close by the hotel, Almoccolo. It was very good, but the portions were huge. The seafood was incredible. We were offered Limoncino in the end and toasted our beautiful holidays. I liked that. We are, despite everything, a good family!

After that, full and satisfied, we went back to the hotel to sleep. I washed my hair and then read some Scotland Street.

Many Partings

Today, I woke at seven. I got up and left the village, because I wanted to enjoy the new sun and the morning atmosphere once more. Then I went straight back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. So many thoughts about my studies and my future were worrying me. I faced them, and visualized better circumstances and a better mood, until I eventually felt as if I were at peace with this matter. Then I fell asleep and woke again at nine. We had breakfast and Mam and Papa drove to the market. I got the computer and wrote down all the days.
It's very hot right now.

Later, I ate something, then we went to the beach at some point. Papa embarrassed me by singing, Sina didn't wait for me and eventually, I got annoyed waiting for Mam. I indulged in ballet jumps in the water once more, extensions, turning and diving and floating. Then I left.

At home, I showered and began packing a few things. But then I saw the sun, which was setting golden-red. I got myself a nectarine and sat down on Mam's patio, where you could see the sunset nicely. It was peaceful and beautiful and I savoured it. Mam and Papa were there and we spoke a little together, and it was good.

Then I packed and got ready. We ate at Mezzaluna, and I ordered white profiteroles which were very yummy. At home, I also ate ice cream, even though I was essentially full, because I wanted to say goodbye to it again. After, I browsed a little in the Ballet Companion and then went to sleep.

(This entry was translated from German)

Just another Day

This morning, the parents and Sina went to V. I stayed at home and did some fantasizing, then I did the dishes and made stewed peaches. After that I fantasized some more until a beautiful culmination. The second one wasn't as beautiful.

I was reading ballet books, at first in bed, but then I thought it a waste missing this fine day, so I dressed warmly and went on reading on the patio. It wasn't cold, but in the shade and wind it was rather cool. Because I had eaten a lot for breakfast I wasn't hungry when we went to the beach in the afternoon. The water was very cold, but this time I dared to dive under a little sooner. Sina came too, but we didn't play together anymore. Then she went back because she was cold. Mam came too, and also Diane with Tibby. Diane came into the water while Mam was holding him on the beach. He was whimpering heart-rendingly, but Diane swam with me a little and we played tag, and she did some ballet. I am always slightly afraid she might be better than I. Well, her legs may, for anatomical reasons, go higher than mine, but my technique is logically much better.


Later, Mam came back and Tibby played with a dog on the beach, very cute. Mam and I went home last. I showered and put on lotion and then I was so incredibly hungry and annoyed by Papa who was making bean and lentil salads at our place. So I went over to Mam and got myself some ice cream. We had dinner a little later. There were grilled lamb steaks (very yummy) and quails. I only tried a bite of the quails, it was very aromatic, but somehow I had reservations about eating them, because I find quails so cute and used to want to keep some. For dessert there was more ice cream. I had sawed off the top of the ice cream container to make it fit into our freezer, which has the perfect ice cream temperature. Sadly, Mam dropped the ice cream on serving it, and of course it fell out. Diane and Sina were screaming with laughter, but I found it gross that she just put it back in the container.

While we were fumigating the rooms with insect spray we were sitting in the living room and Sina did me the favour of looking at the ballet books a little with me. A few days earlier, I had left them there on purpose, hoping that Diane and Sina would look at them. At least Sina did it, which made me happy. Afterwards I was reading a little, but the book was falling out of my hands and I put out the light.

Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o'clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn't go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn't trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love... Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.


At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn't dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn't even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn't buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a 'sweet pain'.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant 'Box 19' in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we've been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn't drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.

Jazz by the Harbour

12 September:
Today it was fine and windy and cool again. I was reading and lying around and eating and maybe swimming. After all, the beauty of it is having the days merge and intertwine because you have time.

13 September:
I have been reading lots of Harry Potter. Tonight, we went to V. At first we wandered about aimlessly, annoying each other. Then we went to a restaurant near the seashell museum. It lay at a street directly by the sea. Wicker sofas and coffee tables stood out front, and there was jazz playing. The tableau was gorgeous. I imagined myself in the future, slender and beautiful and elegantly dressed, with my companion, there on the sofa with the jazz and a cocktail. I'd be coming from the Palace hotel. That was a beautiful image.

The restaurant was nearly empty, we were sitting on an overgrown wooden balcony high above the harbor. You could see the lighthouse. The food was good, but sadly we didn't quite get what we ordered (fish instead of prawns), but it didn't bother me.

Afterwards we walked through the park and strolled around a little until w'd found a gelateria that had good chairs for me. There I got my first real Italian gelateria ice cream. I chose pistachio and peach-mango because I had been imagining green and red ice cream. It was almost too watery in part, yummy, but no highlight.

Then we went home. I read Harry Potte and it was so dramatic and exciting just then that I read until six in the morning. Especially Snape's lot really touched me. I always sympathise so much with tragic heroes. But Harry's willingness to die was also extremely sad and beautiful. Especially when he was asking his mother to stay with him.

I think the whole hysteria is stupid, the movies etc. The books are exciting, partly original, partly too English, partly boring or absurd. I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but it is a good story even though much of it is 'borrowed'

Twilight Ballet

This morning the weather was glorious. I had been hoping for better weather, but this exceeded my expectations. It was cool and windy, however.

I believe it was tonight that I rearranged the patio, did some cleaning and then tried to stand on my Franklin balls. I was braced for them to burst, but they held. And I didn't fall down as expected, but  could hold myself more or less. Then I warmed up a little and practiced ballet, a whole class. There were people on Tino's verandah whom I couldn't see because of the screen, but they could probably see me. This motivated me to do everything very neatly and not sloppily, even though it was strenuous. It was a little like a performance. I like having people watch me train. I like showing what I can do. I stretched thoroughly in the end. My split had become a little worse, but my feet were really nice instead. While I was dancing it grew steadily darker. I enjoyed it very much.

Afterwards I showered and we had dinner. I think I read Harry Potter 6.

Outing to V

Astonishingly, I woke before eight. I even did the love meditation. Then, when we had finished eating at last, I changed and cleaned the whole house. Afterwards Sina and I went to the beach. It was noon, but because it was still cloudy this didn't bother me. Today, there were less waves than the day before yesterday, but lots of seaweed instead, and jumping fish. A beginner surfer was trying his luck as well, and we dove into a few waves again. When we got back I showered thoroughly and put on lotion, then I made hamburgers for tea.

Unfortunately I didn't have time to sleep today because we wanted to drive to V. Diane stayed home with Tibby, but I smartened up and went along. First we went to the market, where we got cheese and sun-dried tomatoes, and then we strolled along the main street. I got myself some more or less pretty flip flops (navy blue with golden hearts) and postcards. Sina of course had to look at every jewelry shop and Mam found the clothes intriguing.

I enjoyed the town, the temperature was agreeable. The white pavement, palm trees and white houses, the park and the view of the sea were simply beautiful. Once we'd had enough, we went back to get Diane. We went to Mezzaluna again, where I was really dissatisfied for the first time. The food was bad, the service worse and I almost fell asleep because we had to wait so long for the waiter. If only we weren't such creatures of habit and would try a new restaurant sometimes! But then one would have to risk, to dare something.
Some day I'll go to the thermal spring of Vals where R was this summer. And on the Queen Mary II in any case!

Teresa wrote saying she was better. She didn't mention her diagnosis. It's going to be good, I guess.

Grey Day and Writing my Story

It was cloudy today and sometimes raining a little. I woke at twenty minutes past eight and wanted to practice ballet, but during the night I'd become tense and was feeling totally un-fit. At breakfast we had an argument. Everybody told me I was unfriendly and nagging and scolding all the time. I felt very lonely and trapped, surrounded by barbarians. Why can't we be a little more normal?

After breakfast I practiced with the Franklin book and the balls. I was completely tense and lying on the balls hurt a lot, but afterwards I felt clear and well in my hips and pelvis. I'd been doing the iliopsoas exercises. In between I was drawing: the chakras in a person and things that make me feel rich, like martinis, macaroons, MAC brushes, croissants and Chanel perfume.

It was so windy and sullen that we didn't go to the beach. For lunch Diane made pasta with cream sauce and I ate too much, even though it wasn't good. Afterwards I was dead tired and slept a little. At this time the weather was at its stormiest. When I woke up, this feeling I had to take care of was back. This time was better, especially the second time.

Then I at last read this fragment of my story I had taken along intending to type it. It was tinily written, probably during a lecture. I rewrote it by hand because Papa had the laptop. And because I didn't want to write everything out in case somebody read it, I wrote the names in Tengwar. Suddenly, the desire came up to really learn and practice Tengwar again. Sadly I didn't have anything with me, so I had to make up a small table from memory.

Then I also practiced a little ballet, and was half embarrassed about Tino and the Germans who might have seen me, and half happy about it. I practiced pirouettes, adagio, grands battements, tendus and stretches. The story was haunting my thoughts, so after dinner I went on writing it. I showered and got ready, but when I was lying in bed I was so awake that I continued writing. It flowed well and I wrote and wrote, but when I read through it, it was much too short. The characters didn't seem credible. A shadow of that longing feeling I got when reading the fan fictions made itself felt. I wanted to fantasize and 'thinking-game' about it, but fell asleep.

A Feeling from the Past

6 September:
Today, I was very tired. It was warm and sunny. I didn't go to the beach with the others when they left in the afternoon. I was lying in bed and got this Ayas-last-year-feeling, this time with L. I hadn't read the whole book, but something had stayed with me nonetheless. I took action against it, too. During that, I was feeling an incredible pressure, like a strong itch. But the culmination was only a shallow wave, very disappointing. Then I slept for a short time. In the evening we went to Mezzaluna for supper.
7 September:
Today, it was hot again. This time I got up earlier. After breakfast Sina and I went to the beach. There were large waves, and we dived into the most beautiful ones. That was great fun. Then after lunch I lay down again. This feeling came up again, and again I did something against it (this time it was similar to yesterday) and took a short nap.
For dinner there was fish barbecue. Papa had once again bought much too much after promising the opposite. GRRR. It seems like an addiction to me. As if he got into a shopping frenzy where he had to buy ever beautiful feeling from the past and every hope for the future in the form of an object. I don't know what I can do against it. What I can do for him.

I was reading a lot in my ballet books and got a strong desire to dance. But because I don't want to get dirty I'm postponing it to tomorrow.

Playing a beautiful Day

Gargano
Today was a beautiful day. I was woken early by Tibby, but then I went to sleep again for a few hours. Eventually I got up. I had slept well and enough. Papa was already there and we all prepared breakfast together. I was wearing my blue plaid dress and feeling well-groomed and well dressed (except my hair which still needed washing.)

After breakfast the parents went shopping and I unpacked my things and organised our house. I am especially proud of my idea to use the clotheshorse as a garden gate. In this way, Tibby can run around freely in the house and on the verandah and everybody is content.
It got really hot. But that didn't bother me much, because I had been wishing for summer again as you know. I just didn't move much and drank cold water. Then I put on make-up and when the parents got home I did the dishes (we made a plan so everyone does them in turn). Then I did a pedicure and right after that we ate a snack and then went to the beach. Diane took Tibby at first, but he was very afraid and she eventually stayed on the beach with him. There lots of children came wanting to play with him, it was really droll to watch. But later, there came an even bigger attraction: A white rabbit on a leash which was skipping around in the sand. That was really funny and in a way grotesque to watch.

I stayed in the water for a long time, first with Sina and then with Mam. I was practicing a little ballet and noticed that in water you can really find the right dynamics of port de bras; especially the hands and the slight lag, and also the resistance.

Then we all went home again and showered. I put on lotion everywhere, as if I were slender and beautiful. Because I have to behave as if I were everything I want to be to attract it.
Mam and Papa said we should cook at our place and they would come over to eat. It was great fun planning a meal and cooking with Sina, and having 'guests'. In general I think having a little house of one's own and being able to organise and tidy up and cook etc. is great. We made Pasta with aurora sauce and for dessert I made a fruit salad. It was a nice evening. Diane had to do the dishes and I was reading to her (the book was mostly stupid). Then I grew tired, went to bed and read a little in a ballet book. Even though I was interested I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep.

The day was beautiful because we have a pretty little house where I get to 'keep house';because the weather was fine; we didn't fight; I felt grown-up and well and awake; because it was the first day.
But I wasn't conscious, I was acting a part and enjoying it. I was playing this part before myself; I doubt moreover that Diane and Sina payed me enough attention to notice.

On the Road in Italy

I slept well, only too little, but we had to go on. For breakfast there were three sorts of cake, sweet croissants, canned fruit, scrambled eggs and the usual.

At ten twenty we departed. On the way we got into a slow traffic jam which trew us back, but we all tried to wish it away using Law of Attraction. It worked and we go on better. In Gargano we had to drive over hills and curves, so that it went more slowly. But it was beautiful. The sun had just turned to this nice gold, the pine woods were full of wonderful scents and the sea was clear and blue. We came to Peschici which looked almost like a fairy tale city with its white houses, on the hill above the blue sea, in the evening sunlinght.

Shortly before we arrived we came upon an accident, a man was lying on the floor. I believe the parents at first wanted to drive by, but I found that Mam needed to help. She got out and we waited on the side of the road but stayed in the car. There were two people injured, they were still conscious. Soon an ambulance came and we drove on. A car was standing there with a motorcycle half on and half under the bonnet. Mam was not as shocked as I had been fearing. I strangely wasn't, either. At last we arrived at the estate.

We daughters got the little house next to the one from last year, and the parents got a small one next to the 'Chiara house'. Everything was much newer and nicer than at the old house, but Mam's is newer and nicer still. But I am content. The best is a very stable, quite comfortable bed and an exhaust hood in the kitchen. And the adjustable shutters with fly screens. The verandah is large and rather private. I'll have enough room for ballet practice if I move all the things out of the way.

Diane was horribly over-aroused because of some fears concerning Tibby. I could have strangled her. Yes, it's not her fault, but it's annoying!!!!

We went to the Mezzaluna for dinner. It was nice but I almost froze to death because we were sitting outside, by the beach.

Back home, I took a shower and put on some lotion. Afterwards I felt good and went to bed.

(Translated from German)

Italy, here we come

Written retrospectively:

I got up and got ready etc. but because I was late I decided not to go to S square. I could forego the book and the croissant, but not ballet class. So I packed and, with a little help, finished in time.

Papa had decided I should go to both classed anyway. So I went. In elementary I was the best and enjoyed it. I got some praise, too, for tendus I think. In beginner Sika increased the difficulty a little this week, I guess because some elementary people had been asking to stay. But it went relatively well. I got muddled up a few times, but I consciously enjoyed it because it was the last ballet class. After class a girl, who had impressed me as very ambitious all summer in both classes, introduced herself to me.
She had always been trying the frog stretch and asking complicated questions. She told me in answer to my question that she had only been dancing for one or two months. I didn't really think her likeable, but I thought her nice. I believe she is Turkish. Unfortunately, I had to leave quickly so we couldn't talk longer.
I really hurried and got on a very full No.3, when Sina's text reached me, saying there was no need to hurry because they were nowhere near ready. So I got off at H square and bought a caraway seed roll, a chocolate meringue and a pretzel. I ate the chocolate meringue sitting on the bench at the station, the evening was clear and warm and golden, and I was looking forward to the holiday, but at the same time I was a little wistful because of ballet and my holidays in B which were drawing to an end. Then I took the next No.3 and went home.

When I got there, really nothing was ready, so I could take a shower and pack a few more things. We left at eight o'clock. I was expecting us to arrive in Modena as late as two or three in the morning, but we were there at ten past one. We had taken less breaks and got on very fast. Our hotel room was pretty and clean. The bed Sina and I shared was high and springy and had five fat soft pillows, it was like a cloud in the sky. Diane slept on a third small bed. The bathroom was nice, too, and everything was clean etc. I loved feeling so rich. I often feel that way in hotels, the nicer the more, and this hotel had four stars

Bad News

I just spoke to Teresa on the phone. The poor thing didn't have appendicitis at all, but a tumour in her intestine that has been removed. It is not certain whether it was cancer or not, but I don't think so because she is so young. Hopefully not. The reason I called her was wanting to know what's the matter with Franca without disturbing her. Teresa had received a text saying the classes for this week were cancelled because Franca needed some time for herself. Well, now I have clarity. It's really stupid, when I had been going strong and training a lot these last few weeks. Anyway, be that as it may. I am grateful that I'm not in hospital, sick after surgery. And tomorrow I will go to AS with Marina. And then to Italy.

I am so stressed. I hate packing, and especially arranging music for a journey. That stresses me out. Additionally, I must help a lot. Bleh!

Later: I'll go to that bakery at S square again tomorrow, to buy myself some breakfast. I want to go to the library close by. I am feeling pretty sad because I won't have any internet, ballet classes and friends for the next two weeks. Marina cancelled again. I am incredibly disappointed and sad and mad at her, too. She shouldn't have got my hopes up like that. I guess she was just afraid. A ballet class can be very scary, especially if you're insecure. I feel like she is basically interested but still too afraid. But then I might be wrong, too.

If you look at it positively, I have been looking forward to her coming for two weeks. Anticipation is nice as well. So it still brought something good into my life.

Okay, now I'll do a backup of my journal and next time I'll write in Italy. Bye!
(Translated from German)

A Visit and Confusion

This morning, I slept long until Mam woke me up with her loud voice. I had my breakfast in front of the TV, where I watched the CNSMD documentary once again. Then I got dressed etc. and quickly burned all my new songs onto a CD for the drive.

Sina, Mam and I first drove to Di for shopping, then over Vo, where we ate at McDonald's, then to Es. It was a beautiful day, almost clear, dry, windy and sunny. Unfortunately, it was rather chilly. But the meadows and forests still look totally 'summery'. I enjoyed the beautiful drive and the music with all my heart.

At Grandma's we cleaned house diligently and then had eclairs (yummy), but then we had to hurry because Mam wanted to get me to ballet class on time. The house and all the surroundings have stayed almost the same. And I became sad when I thought about maybe seeing it for the last time. In some way I was imagining buying the house and how I'd live in it...

On the way back I was enjoying the beautiful landscape again, and put my feet comfortably up on the back seat. I have never before travelled so cosily.

I even made it (just) to the  tram and was standing before the ballet school on the stroke of seven. Sadly, nobody opened the door even though I rang the bell and waited long, and I saw no sign of life through the window. So I thought Franca had cancelled the class via email. When I checked at home, nothing had come. Also no text message and nothing on the website. Now I am worried about having missed class or something. Maybe I'll call Teresa (who is in hospital) tomorrow, or Franca herself.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange)

Feeling rich. And a new/old Class

Today I had to get up early because of a doctor's appointment. I was tired and disgruntled, but as soon as the sun came out, I felt better. At the doctor's everything was ok and it was over quickly. Then I went to town. I went to Anna's and then to Ladurée right around the corner. Oh, luxury! All those big beautiful macaroons, the lovely shop, the friendly service! I got one macaroon from every flavour and paid thirty Euros for them. Pure extravagance, I know. But I had just got news that I would receive the sum from the PV, for myself, and so I indulged myself. I enjoyed the feeling of wealth I felt in shopping and later in carrying the little bag around. I was feeling chic and tall and light and beautiful and rich all over. I got hair conditioner, flip flops, an eyeliner. Then I bought an S-brioche, an St-croissant and a freshly squeezed orange juice and sat down by the S water ditch in the sun. I had time, felt beautiful and rich and happy. So I ate my breakfast comfortably at eleven o'clock and fed luxury crumbs to the sparrows. Such moments are important, they are good for me and help me to continue attracting good things to my life.

Then I went home and rested for a while, but had to leave again right away to go to Mrs. H. In the meantime I had found out that Pepper had died. I spoke to her about it, and about the fact that I 'slip into other people' and out of myself, and am no longer aware of myself.

At home I ate spaetzle and rested, watched some Gossip Girl and enjoyed my macaroons. I ate too much, but they are very good. Heavier and damper than the little ones I know, but somehow exotic and luxurious. I wrote down the best flavous. Next time I will buy less!

I had planned to go to class at the opera. But then I grew afraid and almost didn't go. But I went anyway. Miraculously, the ballet tram came. And I was making my bun while looking out of the window and watching people's reaction to the pictures on the tram. It's so much fun watching somebody's face looking at the tram (hidden behind the huge ballerina on the window) and imagining that this person is admiring the beauty of the dancers or poses, is touched by it, fascinated, maybe becomes a ballet fan or lets go his prejudices.
The class went well, I was feeling ok. Not too confident, but good enough. My technique is cleaner than most of the others' who were there. Near the end my phone rang, so that I apologised to Regula after class. She said she had not seen me for ages, and I explained where I was studying now and why (schedule problem, I said). And then she said it would be nice if I came again some time and everything was so good with me. That made me happy, to finally hear some praise from her. Because in class I realised again how much I have learned and how big the difference must be from my last regular classes there, one and a half years ago. And most of it I owe to Franca.

I met a woman who had been at Franca's on Monday for a trial class, and told her it was better there. She wants to come on Thursday.

Sushi, Croissants, Disappointment

I got up rather early this morning and went immediately to the Japanese shop. I shopped and then went on to S square. I wanted to get myself a bun at the bakery. I found French croissants. I bought two and went on to the bus station. I was feeling light, awake and elegant. It was dry and sunny and clear. There was a cool wind and for a moment, I was perfectly happy.

At home, I made sushi. In between, I ate the croissants. They were divine! It turned out very yummy and I ate a little too much. Then I watched Gossip Girl and surfed the internet. I grew very lethargic. Late in the afternoon I brought the cans and bottles to the recycling place. That short walk did me really good. The cool, damp air and the wind refreshed me immensely.

I was so ready for ballet today. I was feeling tall and light and glad and would have preferred dancing my way over there. When we were alle there, changed and ready, Franca had to cancel the class because her dog Pepper wasn't feeling well. He was all limp and she was really worried. I was so frustrated! I had been 'itching' for a ballet class like almost never before, and then... nothing. Of course it was an emergency, and I was sympathetic, but still... And there were even two new students, total newbies from the way they were dressed. But well, it couldn't be helped.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it may sound a little strange.)

A new Class

 There was this trial class yesterday in H. I was tired and nervous. When I got there everything was still closed. Then the lady I had spoken to on the phone came, Maria Park. She let us in. The Studio is cluttered. An apple-shaped, blowsy woman was with her. She was very nice to me, but she smelled. Then a few more people turned up. Most of them have a good figure. Nobody was wearing correct attire or a bun. All of them are maybe between forty and sixty, I'd say.

The teacher had an East European accent. She was just a substitute. Even before class she began correcting the apple woman and me, and giving tips. She told us to do a relevé in parallel, then a plié. She said Pilates was good and important. She was very nice. Then everybody was there and the class began.
The combinations were not too difficult, and beautiful. I was quite good and got lots of praise. At one point during jetés the teacher stood next to me and placed my head and arm. During grands battements on my good side she praised me a lot, she even nudged me to make sure I realised it. During stretches she corrected my head in the arabesque.

In the centre I still did quite well, too. In the adagio the arms were a little unfamiliar for me, but it was easier than with Franka. For tendus we had the poses éffacé and écarté, and pas de bourrée en tournant too, through the whole class. In between, there were some embarrassing scuttling steps with exaggerated port de bras. Some ladies gave themselves up to the music, beaming. I couldn't do that. Hey, I have clean technique instead. Then pirouettes, which I couldn't do. I tried a few. Then came piqués and chainés, which I tried as well, but couldn't do them and stopped. But the teacher didn't leave me for long, she took me and the apple woman, who was much worse than me except for turns, by the hand and did the combination with us. In the end there was a port de bras and a révérence. Then everyone applauded for a very long time.

After class the teacher was hugging and kissing everybody. She also told me I'd been good, several times! Then we were in the tram together. I was talking to the apple woman. Apparently the others were talking about me to the teacher in the meantime, because she turned to me and said I had done well and "one can see that you know".

Conclusion: It was much easier than expected, actually a good level for me, to challenge me a little. The people are very nice. If it works financially I will certainly go there again some time. I have to look how it works out with time during the semester, whether I can stay with Franka twice a week. If not, this is certainly an alternative. Much better than the opera or Mic.!

The teacher was genius! She teaches at the opera, had just been at a dress rehearsal and said she had to rehearse Swan Lake next month in Serbia. From that I gather that she is well qualified. And she wasn't snobbish or anything, she taught us recreational students seriously and treated us affectionately. Unfortunately, this teacher doesn't substitute often. The normal teacher does it differently, but Maria said it wasn't necessarily more difficult. I'll look up her name on the opera website. Mina K. Studied in St.Petersburg! And Sarajevo. Primaballerina and teacher. Wow. Wow, I got praise from an ex-primaballerina!!!! Wheeeeee!!!! I'm sooooo happy right now!


It was sooo worth it to go, to try it! Am I glad I didn't shirk!

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it may sound a little strange.)

Let down

Today, Marina was supposed to come to AS with me. I had been looking forward to it so much! But then she wrote to me saying she couldn't, and whether it was okay to come next week. I was so disappointed! But at least she is coming next week. I will just be able to make it before we leave for Italy. The good thing is, next week Sika will be there again, who does the class with music. Marina said she preferred that, and after the elementary class today I think that might be better. Maurice explains less, demonstrates more. He does other things extremely well, though! He teaches us the arms correctly and has us practice things we did wrong. The beginner's class was wonderful! I fairly floated out of the class! I also thanked him and told him he gave beautiful classes. 

I let myself get intimidated again and again by people who put their leg up on the barre before class, or look balletic, or are quite good at the barre. Most of them leave after the elementary class already or get lost in centre, like today. I did quite ok. I am beginning to feel comfortable with changes of direction, ports de bras, concepts like en dehors/en dedans. I was definitely in the better half, maybe even quarter!

Well, it's already late. I have that trial class tomorrow. I need to sleep immediately.

Oh, by the way, Mam is away. Is it normal for me to feel so alone, at 25, when she isn't home?

I was on the ballet tram (thank you Universe!) and also did a little sous-sus when nobody was watching. Because there are wooden railings. And I bought myself Chanel No.19 EdT at last! My first real perfume!
And Mam is interested in correct make-up technique! I'd never have guessed!

(This entry has been translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange sometimes.)

Summer Ending

Last night I downloaded those songs. They make me so sad, beautifully sad but also painfully so.

I suddenly feel like summer is over. It grows dark sooner, and as soon as it gets dark my heart grows heavy. I try to fight against the depression. I'm trying to live in the now and to stop worrying and not to 'order' stress by being afraid of it and imagining it vividly. But I often do. And that stresses me even more! It is ruining my holidays! It's annoying!

On Saturday I have a trial class for adults. I am nervous because it is an intermediate class. But the lady on the phone said I should come. I want to be brave and go. Perhaps it will be great!

Today, it was fine and hot. Maybe the last time here in S. So I arranged for Charlene, Marina and me to go to lake G to swim and have a picknick. On my way, driving through the country in the bus, I was listening to my new music. I got a little sad, but tried to consciously associate the music with beauty. It was warm and sunny, clear and dry. The trees and meadows were green green green, the sky was blue blue blue, the clouds like fine veils, like freshly washed hair. For a moment I was so happy! I somehow almost cried with joy, but in some way also from pain. It was a perfect day!
G is a pretty village. I met Marina and Charlene and we found a place to have our picknick. Unfortunately, they had no desire to make a fire or to eat a little more elaborately. They just had sandwiches. I ate and then wanted to go swimming. The others said they would maybe come later. So I went alone. At first it was cold, but then it was wonderful! Being in the water was wonderful. I still had 'Three Wishes' in my head and was floating/dancing through the water. I dared to more or less do what I wanted, namely diving, turning, port de bras in the water, floating. All around me was the beautiful green countryside, above me the blue sky with the wind-blown clouds. It was just plain beautiful.

Charlene and Marina were sitting there talking. Once I asked them whether they wanted to come, but they didn't want to at all. They had a little party in the evening and didn't want to get lake water on themselves. I was a little disappointed, but only a little. We left again rather soon. We parted at the main station. On my way home I bought some small macaroons. Gossip Girl made me think of macaroons. I feel rich when I buy or eat them.

In the evening I went to ballet class. It was ok, but the diplomat's daughter or something whom we were expecting didn't come. Instead a new woman came, entirely new. She couln't do anything yet. I felt almost guilty because she was so lost. Only a little proud.


(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

A Moment of Truth

Last night I stayed up again, surfing the internet. I was looking for pictures and info about C. B. It's ridiculous, really pathetic, that I, a grown-up and mature woman, am so drawn to this character. The feeling is the same as with the Elf stories and Brian: longing for something, compassion, shedding tears, allurement.

This series is for superficial teenagers! I don't even dare to admit to my sisters that I watch it! And I used to always rail against it, how superficial it was, how materialistic, ridiculous etc.

But somehow, I fall for such things. Beautiful young people in beautiful clothes in beautiful luxury environments who love, hate, hurt and make up with each other.

The story is really bad sometimes. But C and the whole B thing is interesting. I noticed that it's very similar to B and J: they are meant for each other.

But what I actually wanted to say: I was looking for the music from the scene at the C where C wants to dance with B. I like the music. When I had found it and was listening to it, I suddenly burst into tears. I felt so lonely. I was longing so much for a friend or lover (even female). I was listening to the song, crying, and trying to caress and comfort myself a little. Even if it hurt, at that moment I was finally conscious, finally 'with me' and no longer in denial. It is a nice pain, a sweet pain. Like being in love, which for me has always been unfulfilled wishes. Just that I didn't long for a certain person, but for human love in general.

I put on Charlene's necklace then, maybe it was sentimental but it made me feel less alone. I left the mood light on and the door open, and went to bed. Somehow I felt comforted. It was just a little awkward when Papa walked by and asked me what I was doing.

This morning I got up early and made bagels. Then I watched ballet and almost fell asleep, so that after breakfast I went to bed for a few more hours. This afternoon Sina and I want to clean out the fridge. Tonight I have ballet.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Friends and an embarrassing new Obsession

On Monday, ballet class was great. I felt hardly any soreness, felt like the best dancer and worked hard on my arms and head.
Yesterday however, everything hurt. In adagio I managed the arabesque piqué on demi-pointe. But my feet hurt a lot. Franca said that I didn't have bad feet when I told her about the workshop teachers comment about my feet. Then she watched closely whether I pointed well and said it must have been the greater speed.

Today Charlene and Marina came. We made chocolates. What makes me happy: Marina will come with me to ballet next Friday. Unfortunately Maurice will teach, but oh well.
I felt farther away from Charlene than ever. She gave me a necklace with a leaf pendant. Although we are so similar in parts I feel less comfortable with her than with Marina. That makes me sad. Cooking was stressful for me. I didn't want to make raspberry chocolates, but I gave in.

Now I will admit it: I have been watching Gossip Girl for three weeks. I have already seen all the episodes. At the moment I am rewatching them because I didn't consciously follow the relation between Blair and Chuck in the beginning. Something about Chuck appeals to me incredibly. He is "evil", rich, sexy, ridiculous in a way, and to be pitied. I can't describe it, but he captivates me similarly to Brian from QaF. Well, if you think about it, he resembles him a lot.

I started it when I had finished tidying up my room at last. All I wanted to do was lie around and watch something. But all the other series I knew of didn't really hold interest for me, except How I met your Mother, and with that I stumbled upon GG. In a way I had always been curious to watch it some time. And when I see beautiful and rich people I feel more beautiful and rich, too. So I told myself: You are curious, plus it could help you concentrate on beauty and abundance.

 (This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Ballet workshop weekend

I am back from the ballet workshop weekend! It was great. I got a "shot in the arm", a great motivation.
The teacher said I was more secure and stable, and that Nicole and I were quite advanced for our two years of ballet.
To do: He said I could have beautiful feet! If I stretched my instep and worked through my foot more. And I should work on arms and head/gaze, all the things that give dance expression and quality.
That was also what I spotted immediately when we were watching a taped performance. The dancer who had been at a great academy had a captivating expression in the simplest of movements, and that was only partly due to her great body/line. Bille said it was the arms that were always slightly lagging behind, like an echo.

Nicole said I was good. That I was doing everything very cleanly and correctly.
Kathy said I had nice feet. Nicole, too. And Kathy's feet are not more flexible than mine. I couldn't tell whether they were worse or not because her slippers were too big. It pleased me very much. My feet may not be great, but at all events they are better than I always believe. If I find them more beautiful now, and use them better, they will only get nicer! My extensions were not bad either, compared to Kathy and Nicole's.

We were a group of dancers. We talked about ballet. We watched ballet. The teacher got recognised about town, and all of us with our buns got recognised as dancers. That was wonderful! It fulfilled my wish of telling everybody that I love and dance ballet.

The classes were quite good. In part too fast, in part agonisingly slow. In any case interesting, different and challenging. Having good dancers before, behind and next to me was inspiring, but also intimidating.

Oh, by the way, I found the Bloch Pro Arch at G. They are very comfy and flattering. What a coincidence that the only pair they had fit me! That was the universe, I am sure. Somehow I had been expecting to find those slippers there.

And just now Kathy sent me such a nice email:

Hi Alienor,

I hope you made it to the train station on time! I kept thinking of you because of the traffic jam on the highway and hoping you made it!

Yesterday I immediately took myself to the bathtub, did the washing and let hubby make dinner. :)I went early to bed and slept like a log. Today I'm feeling my legs and my achilles tendons quite a bit, but it's going to be ok. Today I'm going to do absolutely nothing, but tomorrow I will take the last class from my card with a guest teacher from New York. I'm so curious/excited, I'm telling you! And until then I'll certainly feel better.

Tanja (C. From the Forums) told me to say hi. She wrote me the following: "Say hi to Alienor from me. I hardly 'know' her, but she always comes across as very nice on the forums." :)

Well, that's done. :)

I also wanted to tell you how happy your compliment made me at our parting. It's nice that you feel comfortable in my presence. That makes me happy! But people as nice as you make it easy to be kind to them. Because you are a great person. With great feet. See, even the teacher said that. :)
I would be very happy if you came to another such workshop sometimes. If it ever takes place in M you can stay with us!

Love, and hope to talk soon - it was nice with you!

Kathy

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Snippets

1 August:
I am in a strange lazy-hazy mood. Am watching Chatter Girl all day long, lying on my bed on a heap of pillows. I feel disconnected from the world. It is rainy.

4 August:
I had to get up at 6 a.m. And go to the W hospital. Toby B was there.
I had a good ballet class. I did all the pointe exercises en demi. Mam will come and watch next week.

5 August:
Second day of W hospital. It is interesting. It challenges me. It makes me appreciate my free time more. Only one more day.

6 August:
Last day of W hospital. It was a good thing for me to do. I feel more alive and conscious. Too much free time makes me waste it.

AS ballet classes went very well. I could hold my own in the beginner level for once. The last few times I was mostly struggling with the speed, but this time it went well. We did some killer exercises. That is good, I need to be fit next weekend. Workshop!!!!

8 August:
I plucked my eyebrows. It hurt a lot, but they are beautiful now. It does make a huge difference in my face. I feel prettier and more elegant and well-groomed. I am grateful to have enough eyebrow hair that naturally grows in a nice arch. All I had to do is thin it a little and accentuate the arch.

I also determined my currant skin type: combination skin, blemish-prone and slightly sun-damaged, with maybe Rosacea (it is sensitive). I am grateful that the bumps, redness and large pores are going away now.

9 August:
Ballet class was ok. I was in pain during the barre. Still sore maybe, or still cold. I am so looking forward to Mam's visit to the school on Wednesday! I imagined her sitting there all the time today. I hope Franca says something nice about me to her. But maybe not too much, in front of everybody. I hope there will not be too many girls. More than 5 like today, but less than 12.
I hope Mam sees what I want her to see: the hard work, the beauty, the joy. I hope she doesn't wear 'prejudice glasses'. I hope she doesn't wish for the class to end.

I want to be thin and light. I still think like I was taught: eating makes me fat. Now everytime I eat I think about the fact that eating makes me happy and happiness makes me thin.

I intend for a bottle of Chanel No.19 parfum to come into my life. I love the scent. And what I read about it makes me want it all the more: assertive, bold, elegant, all the traits I sometimes have and want to have.

I took out our waffle iron and made American waffles today. They are like pancakes. A little boring. They always eat waffles on Chatter Girl, and it reminded me of our waffle iron that we never used, so I tried it. I also made a martini yesterday. It was ok, but I would like something more sweet.

10 August:
I just made vegetable lasagna with Diane and Sina. It is in the oven now. I slept till 11 o'clock. Maybe I will make Belgian waffles this afternoon.

New Stuff

On monday we bought the new wardrobe and half finished putting it together. We had taken apart the old one on sunday.
On tuesday we finished and started sorting our things back in. I began to sort out all my things. It is tedious and tiring, so I didn't finish.

Yesterday we went to L.burg to buy cosmetics in M. I got a good blush, sunscreen and pressed powder foundation by clinique. The moisturiser was too expensive. 55 Euros! I tried out all my new things and am content. Only the sunscreen burned me today, although it is made for sensitive skin! I am sure it will feel fine tomorrow.
Today I want to buy more beauty products. A face wash, a powder brush, a make up remover, maybe a blush brush, maybe something more.

Down in the Dumps

I have been shopping for beauty products for the last two days. I found two internet sites that quite enlightened me in terms of cosmetics knowledge. I know now which products work and why, and which are just useless. All those cellulite products for example. By and by, I want to have good products for my whole body.

We have just been to Germany for Dinner in a restaurant and ice cream later. It was really nice.
I have been up to my ears in cosmetics research. Last night was the second night I stayed up just to read and compare products. I found out that I got cheated by natural cosmetics and my face mask is bad for my skin. I want to read again although I am tired and my eyes burn. I am a little crazy.

At the beginning of the holidays I wanted to live consciously, meditate, exercise and practice. I wanted to cook and go through all our junk and tidy up the flat.
What I do instead is read, watch tv, shop and make chocolates. I feel that I am living unconsciously, I am losing my sense of time, I find it hard to go to sleep or to be still, I feel lazy. I just agreed to really go through all our stuff with Sina, but I feel a great disgust towards it, the exertion, the time I have to invest etc. Even my room is a mess, the floor is dirty, the sofa covered with clothes and boxes and stuff, the desk and drawers littered with junk and paper... I know I have to organise and tidy up, but I am somehow reluctant to do it.

I have been emailing with Nicole, a 30year old woman who will share a room with me during the workshop in R. It makes me happy to talk and I have been waiting for her emails eagerly.

Diane failed her exams. I don't know whether this is good or bad for her in the long run. She is sad and doesn't know what to do next. My parents are disappointed and angry and sad. I am sorry for her and feel uncomfortable at home.

I want to use the Law of Attraction to make this tidying up easy and effective. I want to live! Consciously!

Hopes and Plans

I have decided to take better care of my body, especially my skin, hair etc. If I want to attract my beautiful body I have to act like I already have it. If I were beautiful I would use a little makeup, nail varnish and wear jewellery.
I always believed in the boundaries I was taught, until now.
I am so happy! Soon I will be thin, beautiful, en pointe, have friends and money and everything I thought I couldn't! All I have to do is believe, feel and act accordingly, and receive with gratitude the rich gifts of the universe!
I am grateful for every event in my past, even the worst experiences, because they brought me to where I am now, they brought me to the understanding I have now.

I want to meditate daily for at least 10 minutes. And I will start a crunches challenge with Diane. I want to live consciously so I can really use the law of attraction!

Love - the first Step

I love me.

After a week of strong longing, wanting, desire, unrest, self-doubt and changes, I told myself that I love me tonight. At midnight. I stood in front of the oven, my lips were wet from drinking water. I saw the reflection of my chin and lips in the glass. I found them beautiful and desirable, I wanted to kiss myself. In the bathroom I did, I kissed my own reflection on the lips, as I would kiss my lover if one was here, eyes closed and all. Then I held that feeling of love inside me, and looked myself in the eyes and told me that I love me.

It was a significant moment for me. I really felt loved, like I had always imagined I would feel if somebody told me he loved me. I got tears in my eyes. And I really felt love, like in my daydreams when I told someone I loved him.
I was the lover and the beloved.


A few days ago I had changed my mind. Before, I had always felt I didn't want a lover yet, after that period where I sort of had a crush on Dan. Now I wanted a lover. Watching Star Wars was the beginning, on my birthday. Ewan McGregor on screen has so much that I want in a partner.

In the last few weeks I had felt a growing love for me. But even though I felt the change and tried to, I could never look myself in the eyes and mean it. Never. Until tonight.

After the moment, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and liked everything I saw. I found myself beautiful. "I am seeing myself through the eyes of love" I thought. This is the way my lover will see me.

I have been watching more films with Ewan and tried to make a list of all his traits I love. While before there was only longing for such a man, there is now hope. I can attract the perfect mate. And I will. Now that I love myself, truly love myself, I will attract love into my life. Tonight was a big, important step. A quantum leap.

I feel calm and hopeful.

A death - and Joy, too

Uncle E. died today. I am only a little sad for myself and mostly sad for Aunt L., Cousin M. and Papa. He died well. Quickly, from a stroke or cerebral haemorrhage.


I had a good class tonight. I sweated a lot, but felt mostly strong and flexible. I watched the pointe part of class and during a boring moment I looked at my pointed feet in the mirror, sideways, and they looked good! Flexible enough for pointe even. And I felt like doing the others' exercises en demi-pointe. Afterwards I asked Franca whether I could do the pointe exercises with the others next time, flat. She said yes and she won't charge me anything because I may lack the strength to complete them. I am very happy about that!

Freedom at last

[Vegetarian]
Day 23: I feel ok. I overeat regularly. I tried two kinds of rice milk and soy milk. Soy milk has the nicest texture, but isn't sweet at all. I have to sweeten it to drink it pure or eat it with cereal. I feel that I can't go vegan, it's just too much bother. But for things like cereal etc. I can choose vegan milk at least.
I miss meat sometimes, when Papa is grilling chicken for example. It helps to tell myself that it's the body parts of a dead animal that suffered, but I still want to eat it.

[Ballet]

Yesterday in grand battement derrière I spontaneously tried to relax my neck and shoulders and my leg felt much more free and as if it went higher. My back felt sort of 'folded in half'.
And my splits are back to where they were before I overstretched.

My tights arrived - and they are too small! Damn! But since I 'ordered' a new body, they will soon fit me well!
Elena texted me yesterday to ask when the AS class was. She wants to come. I am looking forward to it very much. Unfortunately the game between Holland and Brasil will take place at exactly the same time as my classes! AS facilities will be closed after that for a whole month! Such a pity, when I have time at last!

The weather has been very hot. It started last Wednesday and has been getting hotter ever since. Fortunately the nights are cool. But I hate sweating! It overstimulates me. Except in ballet, where it is normal unless it's Franca's class in winter. 

The nusing home thing was good, actually. I made a few mistakes (overlooked something, didn't think of something) but most of the time I did well. I only did diagnostics and cleaning. Ben was content. Everybody was nice. We were done by lunchtime on Friday. I am grateful again to the patients. Many had cerebral palsy or had had a stroke or a brain injury. They sat in wheelchairs, some were crooked and couldn't speak. I felt healthy and whole and blessed compared to them. What does it matter that I can't relevé on one foot? That I am fat? I have legs and feet that work, I can speak and think and dance! I am grateful! And I feel sorry for them. I wonder whether they have their disability for themselves or because they want to help others.

The exam was yesterday. I guess I passed, I was sure of having the right answer in 44 questions out of 120. I hope I passed. When I had no clue, I opened my chakras and asked my guides. I trusted my perception and chose the answer that I suddenly saw or felt.

Now I have holidays! And I don't know where to begin! I am too lazy to start sorting out my stuff.

Hopeful plans

I am studying and dancing and watching football at the moment. There is no time for anything else. I do watch a lot of football, but it is great. The exam is on Monday, 28th June. 

What is bothering me is that I have to go to this nursing home on Thursday and Friday. I am afraid of failing, sweating, getting overstimulated or dehydrated or getting stomach problems. Also of disgusting sights or very uncooperative patients or mean assistants. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! But I have to, so I will make the best of it. It is only a few hours. If I'm lucky we will be done by 3 pm like others. The last time was actually good for me. I think I grew a little during that day. I am grateful to the patients with dementia, because they teach us patience, compassion and gratitude.
 
After the exam I will be free to do what I like. I will go to floor barre and want to try pilates, I'll take many ballet classes and go swimming and practice Franklin exercises. I will cook and tidy up my whole room and get rid of lots of stuff! And then I will buy a new wardrobe! It will be great! 

Weight, Ballet, Procrastination: bleh

[Dream]
From Tuesday:

Papa had rented a van, to get rid of old furniture. It was parked in front of the house. It was Sunday and I was tense/embarrassed because of it.
Mam was pregnant and wanted to give birth at home. The child was to be named Irena and something else she only wanted to decide when she saw the baby.

Many people were sitting around a table. Grandma was there, too. An old man was happily telling stories from his younger days.

I heard Nit shouting through the ceiling: Now I have bought a new table? For a guest(s) and then they don't come! Maybe they were with us.

I looked into the mirror and saw that my middle lower front teeth were fractured. Broken off at the level of the gums. The pieces were in my mouth and I took them out and wanted to preserve them. I felt a little pain. I was dismayed to have broken teeth and was wondering whether I would need a bridge or if they might be stuck on again.

[Vegetarian]

Day 11: I bought rice milk yesterday and ate it with cereal and as cocoa. It was ok, although it doesn't taste like milk when drunk pure. It is too sweet and watery and malty.

I had some cravings for cold meat and smoked salmon, but when I eat olives they disappear pretty quickly. It helps to know this is only a temporary thing. And olives are cold and salty and 'wet' like meat, so they kind of fill the same need.

Otherwise I feel good without meat. My digestion is good, except when I overeat, which happens too often these days.

[Ballet]

Yesterday I went to class. I felt heavy and tense again most of the time. I think it is because I have gained a few kilos recently. I really want to be thin to dance better. EVERYTHING would improve if I was lighter: alignment, extension, demi-pointe, balance, I could jump and start pointework. I am so frustrated and hate my fatness and with it myself. I know this is bad, but I can't help it.

 [Goals]
[Productivity]

It is all connected: My lack of self-discipline makes me feel bad, which makes me eat, which makes me feel bad etc etc.

I just feel like I CAN'T work. I feel so bad while I study, so I don't. "Self-discipline is the ability to take action regardless of how you feel", said S.P.? Last summer I wanted to learn that, but didn't. Now, this year, I still can't study, exercise or get up at a reasonable time. This ruins my self-esteem and makes me do things that are counterproductive.

Why can't I get up when the alarm goes off?
I feel tired and getting up feels hard. Sleeping on feels luxurious.
I am reminded of days when I had to get up and do something difficult/uncomfortable.
I think of the work I have ahead of me and get bad feelings. Sleeping is nice, so I sleep on.

Why can't I study for a few hours every day?
I feel like I need to do something else that can't wait
I feel stupid and slow, like it doesn't make a difference whether I study or not, I will not learn anything anyway
I think of my future and my fears while studying, and of the things I ought to know but have forgotten

New Ballet Class and Handbag

[Dream]

I was watching a long film in a dark, large room. There were people wanting to com e  in all the time. Two girls danced a courtly dance in the movie, then it turned into a lesbian erotic scene (one girl touching the other's bosom). The children were still young, 13 at most. The scene was very delicately filmed, very beautifully lit.
 Then there came heavy rain against the window. I knew it was some sort of test. I had to hold the window closed and check for any leaks. (maybe the rain was real, against my window)
When I had finally finished watching the film (it was long and there were many interruptions, people shouting through the walls etc.) Diane/Sina and a female colleague/Kiki asked me what I had been doing. Then they said: you didn't do any studying until now?

There was a child running around. I played with her in a park, with balletic gestures.
The girl/I was ill. She/I swooned all the time and had spots at the mouth. She/I had to go to the hospital. The father/Papa was stressed.
A police festival. The chief (woman) said something sitting in a chair. Her pink cardigan? Fell apart. Later she died. I saw a blue light above her face and then over her mouth. Then I knew she was dead.
The girl died like this, too.

[Ballet]
We have a new program in ballet class. Lots of expressive arms and demi-pointe. I perspired so much today. But it wasn't boring at all!

[Psychic development]
I acted on the suggestions I got yesterday. I went to MC. There was no young man anywhere, and no brown bag, and the CDs were bad, but I found a beautiful red leather handbag, great size and reasonable prize. I bought it and went home again. I don't know what to make of this. I don't trust myself, don't believe the message came from my guides at all. I believe I just fooled myself mostly. But who knows. I'm going to continue doing this!

Dreams, Cupcakes, Struggle, Automatic Writing

[Dream]

I got a call from S. Pavlina, or was it Ernst? I didn't understand what he said, just hi and that I was going to get something from him. He sent me a gift. I was very curious what it might be, but it was only a very large coloured napkin used in nail studios. It was white with purple, green and red wavy stripes on it.

Then I was in a supermarket. I knew it was in the USA. I looked at the things they sold. Many cheese making utensils. Tibby was there and begged. I wanted to feed him something, but Diane forbade it.

Something about Ernst. In some way I understood that S. was my new Ernst?

[Cooking]
Yesterday I made pea risotto after Jamie Oliver. It was good, a little sweet.
Today I  want to make cupcakes.

Later: my cupcakes were a failure. Half a failure. The cakes turned out very well, moist and springy. The frosting however... is liquid. I made it with instant vanilla cream but wanted to save on butter. Then it separated and I tried to bind it with powdered sugar. Then with cornstarch. Then I tried to cool it. Nothing worked. Now it's almost as sweet as American frosting, but liquid. I'm really disappointed.

For lunch I made 'Moorish crunch salad'. I love this salad.

I tried on my demi-pointes just now and looked how my feet would look en pointe. I believe I would just manage to get over the box if I had good shoes. But it doesn't matter anyway because I'm FAT, FAT, FAT! And i can't seem to eat consciously anymore, and I have lost my desire to dance because I feel heavy and fat and I just eat and eat! I get so angry at myself. I know I should study and eat consciously and go to classes and practice. But I just eat, watch football games and lie around. The only thing I do at the moment that I planned to do is working on my psychic development (remembering my dreams, raising my vibration with the CD and not eating meat). But I am afraid to try to meet my guides and higher self. Afraid that it might not work like the first time, that I will get confused and not trust my senses anymore, or that they will tell me to do something difficult. Like a doctor's thesis, an internship, a public spectacle.
OK. Maybe this fear or conflict is what makes me eat and kill time. Maybe I should just try some automatic writing?

An hour or so later... I think I'm scared. Ok, here I come...

Is anybody here?
Yes. We are.

Who are you?
Your guides.

Is there anything I should know right now?
Yes, study, you need to study.

How can I study without so many bad feelings?
Just study.
Sit. Write.

Thank you!

How can I lose weight. I really want to be thin. I want it so much!
Remember how you felt. What you want. Vaganova dream. Stretching.

Who touched my arm yesterday?
You. A spider.

Was it a spirit?
No, it was you.

Where is my fly screen?
Up wardrobe. Big door up right.

Where are my witch notes?
Pink file. Don't know.

How can I remember my dreams better?
Go to bed early, don't read. Orange flower tea.

Is it good to be vegetarian?
Yes.

Should I be vegan.
Maybe. Later.

Should I be a dentist.
Yes. Help people. Empathy. Consciousness.

Should I go to modern dance class?
Not yet. It will hurt.

How can I speak to you more easily? In dreams?
Yes. Lucid dreams. We will be waiting.

Thank you. I love you. Do you love me too?
Yes. Of course. We love you. We are your fan club.

Should I tell the others about this talk.
No. You do this for yourself.

May I tell them that I'm happy because of it?
 Yes

How can I get more money?
Limit your wants. Cosmetics, MC.

Should I go there or avoid it?
Yes and no.

Should I buy something there?
Yes. A bag. A brown bag with pink inside.

What if I don't like that bag?
Don't buy it.

Why should I buy it?
You will meet a young man.

When should I go?
Now. Monday

Morning?
Wash your hair and go.

I can't afford it now. And I don't trust myself enough to buy something because you said so.
Ok.

Are you really my guides? Or are you fooling me.
Yes no yes no.

Are you really my guides?
Yes we ARE!

Ok, sorry. You know this is very confusing and new for me.
We understand. Don't give up. Come back often.

I will. Thank you.

Should I know anything more now?
No, you can go.

What about this CD I see?
Yes, buy it.

What about my hair? Should I cut it?
Yes.

And how long?
Layers. Shoulder.

Thank you. I love you.
We love you too, goodbye!
Goodbye

Wow. I opened my chakras and it really felt strange. Towards the second half of the writing I began to feel dizzy and felt the answers more clearly, doubted less. So tomorrow morning I should go to Migros city to buy a bag and a meditation CD and meet a young man. I really am very insecure about this. But the love seemed real. Also the "you do this for yourself" sentence really seemed to come from outside me. As did the "we will be waiting". And "come back often". I guess it is really important to trust myself and my feelings. Of course  I might be fooling myself. But my belief in guides and HS etc. Is 99% at the moment... So all I need to do is practice communicating with them. Sweet that they said they are my fan club. I saw them in my mind's eye as a group of laughing people standing very closely together in the corner of a twilit room. Maybe they are other spirits fooling with me. Maybe I have funny guides. Maybe I interpreted it wrong. Orange flower tea? They want me to buy things to save money? Well, I'll go to Migros and look at the bags and the men. And I'll drink tea at night, herbal tea. And I'll do this again soon. And I'll study, of course. Right now, make tea and study!

More (semi-lucid) Dreams. Love and Dance

[Dream]

I was in a large shopping centre. I saw a woman below me on an escalator and heard her say the name of some wine. I repeated the name as a question and suddenly stood face to face with her, extremely near. She said yes, she was going to buy that wine and if I wanted we could share it. I said no no, I could buy my own, but she invited me. So we walked together through the shop and she held up a large sundae with strawberries and suggested getting that, too. She was middle-aged, apple-shaped and had dark short hair and a laughing, friendly face.

I dreamed of my colleagues form university. We were in some sort of camp? Wood and lake.
Dan,who was also there, had been swimming and was wet. I was standing behind him and wanted to dry him with a towel. I saw his shoulders with droplets on them. He was wearing bathing trunks. He wanted to get away from me.[Dream]

[Lucid dreams]
Then I became lucid, but not fully. I knew I was dreaming, but I didn't have much control.
I ordered him to hold still and told him he liked it. I certainly liked it, touching him, being so near him. He held still and I dried him and caressed him a little. But somehow controlling the dream didn't work very well. Dan didn't want to cooperate, he showed no reaction to my touch. I wanted to be alone with him (we were in a sunny, dark wood) but people would come and go all the time. I willed them to go away (still thinking I was lucid, but I was going in and out of this semi-lucid state) but it didn't work. Dan left, too. He didn't seem to notice me.
Later I saw him talk to Bes, head to head. It hurt me.
Suddenly Christiana was  the one I was in love with. We were in a car with others and agreed to meet later. I tried to keep it a secret from the others and made her promise not to tell.
Outside I saw Bes and Dan still head to head, and then they kissed passionately. I started crying and turned away. I felt it was hopeless chasing Dan if he was in love with Bes. Kiki stood there and when he saw what happened, he gave me a hug to comfort me. I felt grateful for his sympathy. I saw that it was useless trying to force Dan (lucidly) to comply. I was surprised, but not really. (see real life)

[Dream]

Then there was a house in the wood, with a terrace and a restaurant, maybe our camp was there?. There was an evil man and a small boy (looking like a small Michelin man) who always wanted to run away and was very cheeky. He started a small vehicle and drove away. The man was angry and shouted after him.

I went to a psychic. She was supposed to win Dan over for me or cure me of my sadness about him.  She said she was out of practice. There was dust on some furniture (small table?). I saw myself and somebody. My head got sort of shrunk/separated like a balloon into little connected orbs. I said ouch, but felt nothing. It was more a vision of what would happen?

Then I was in a ballet studio at the Vaganova school. I was thinner and wore the old-fashioned Vaganova leotard with v-neck and 3/4 sleeves. There were others, real Vaganova students? I was looking forward to getting a really good class. I did pliés, my turnout was good, I felt very thin, strong and well aligned, I gave my all in allongé, I did a relevé with allongé and my feet spread out on the floor and felt very stable. I heard a loud rushing sound. It supposedly came from the window, so I went to the window which was small, in a small niche, and looked out. I saw the sea with small waves and heard the sound of the waves rushing. It looked like Ayas from the hill with the lighthouse. I tried to close the window but the rushing didn't stop. I wondered why there was a sea in St. Petersburg. Then I went back to continue.

Dreams, Woven Horses

[Dream]

I had a crush on Truny. He wanted me to go work for his department, for which I would have to do a test. He was giving me tips how to pass. I didn't feel good enough. Sometimes he would come very near to me and I felt this wonderful feeling, touch, warmth, a tingle in my gut. I had this feeling of excitement/something new/somebody loves me for quite a long time, I think?
Then he was a cook. He cooked a meal for me, some chicken leg meat with a sauce and peas. The chicken looked delicious, very tender.

I was in a corridor. Aswara was there with her singing teacher. The teacher told her to stand en pointe to sing better. I was curious to hear her sing, but she didn't or I couldn't hear her. I saw her pointe shoes, they were very thick and dark purple at the point. The teacher was also a modern/movement teacher. She wanted to give a lesson. Suddenly there was a group of people, we were a class or sth. The group gathered around the teacher. I stood in front and looked very interested, because I wanted to learn what she had to teach.
Then Kiki was there. We were walking through the corridors of the building, very fast. Somebody said (or maybe I told myself) that we looked like siblings.
The class was a family. There were many redheads. I tried to figure out who was related to whom by the red hair.

Somewhere Anja from school turned up. I think in a restaurant. With others, the class/group/family. She had red hair? Or did somebody just look like her?

Something happened, an explosion or poison attack. A van stopped in front of the house. I could see into it. People were preparing big syringes full of red stuff. I learned that they wanted to inject a thread into our veins to protect us from the poison/illness. I was a little afraid of the thought.

I saw my aquarium and poured in Pepsi because I didn't have water. The fish looked ill, one in particular looked like a red net, all shredded up. It was dying.

The group was running through a wood with me. I felt light and free. I was leaping (grand jeté, tour jeté as well) and half flying. Suddenly I knew that the group felt great admiration. I looked around and a group of riders came galloping through the wood. They had long wavy hair like their horses, strange clothes (wrapped?) and sat on their horses sideways, like women used to earlier, but without saddles. They just seemed to stick to the horses. The horses looked like they were wearing clothes in the colour of their coats. The 'fabric' was woven in thick strips to form intricate patterns on their flanks. I knew this was their coat. I felt great admiration and awe for the riders. They were some sort of elves or heroes. I fought against the feeling and acted as if I felt the opposite. I jumped/flew in front of them and said: can you see how I can fly and leap? I remember one rider was laughing. Not at me, I think just because he felt the same riding as I did flying. I felt no malice from him, but I guess no recognition either. He was not reacting to me? I wanted to feel more valuable, to feel equal to them. I desperately wanted them to like me because I loved and admired them so much.

I slept very long and very well!

Awe in a Dream and Yes, Tuna is Fish

[Dream]

Diane and Papa, evening, Mam waiting with supper. They (and I?) were on the way in the car.

We were to go to a nursing home for ballet dancers. I read the names Balanchine, Alicia Alonso and Suki Schorer in a book. I was excited to meet them but tried to read up on them to be prepared. Saw photos in a book, many old rehearsal photos. The men had fat feet like me. It comforted me to know they could still dance.

I dreamed I was helping to pack for an excursion. I had to go to the bathroom half a dozen times and it didn't get any better. I was nervous. A few colleagues were there, women. One was Miss N., the other was stricter. Gus was there? Binz, too. Maybe Nicola G. By the time we were packed it was 10 a.m. I asked how long it would take and the strict woman said 10 p.m. It made me feel very bad, but I told myself to think positively.

I came out of the bathroom and saw the others leave. I turned into a cartoon character and ran after them. They were cartoon characters, too. We boarded a big ship with boats on it. They were in a boat that was stacked onto another one. I just managed to hold onto the back of the ship (a rubber lip) and bounce along. I screamed and whooped in a cartoon voice. In the background I saw a huge ship, it looked a little like a spaceship. This was the ship the smaller ship took us to. I felt great awe because the "spaceship" looked so huge.
[Dream]

[Vegetarian]

Day 4: Yesterday I accidentally ate fish. I ate tuna mayonnaise and only realised it was fish when I had already eaten most of it.
Today I felt good so far. No cravings. Ok digestion.

Dreams, Craving and Organising

[Dream]

We were in a holiday home, sometimes the pfyn chalet. I tried to walk around but everywhere I wanted to go there were people or furniture, so it took me a long time and made me mad.
We were with another family with children. The father was Ronaldo the footballer.
We came home from a walk and Tibby was dirty. Diane wanted to wash him in the bathroom but I convinced her to use the spare bathroom.
I was in that house before in my dreams. It is small and has lots of stairs and two bathrooms, orange tiles and wood.
I was in another house and wanted to rearrange my books in the living room which turned into my room. I gave it a lot of thought and tried a lot.
In the garden there were a cherry tree with only one ripe cherry and a lampion flower tree

Then I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth? There was a wall holder for an irrigator but the tube was missing. Somehow the water still sprayed into my mouth. I liked it but knew it was useless.  Barbara E./Ulrica gave us chocolate hooves with raspberry soles. They were hollow.

There was a whole crime thing going on. Amanda Knox/Nina E. was a leper, she was chased and was caught in the end. The woman who caught her tricked her into trusting her, then stuck a needle into her neck that sedated her. I felt for her and was angry that she was betrayed like this. This was on a grassy hill.

[Ballet]
Yesterday Franca corrected me a lot. I tend to twist my shoulders when my left leg goes back. I was shy again in allongé. In soutenu turns I land with my weight back.
I feel that my relevé sucks. Everything would go so much better if I were thin.  Today I want to do cardio on the bike.

I didn't.

I'm going to search for a place to stay during the workshop. Doro's flat is not available. I'd like a hotel! But it should be reasonably priced.

[Ballet]

[Vegetarian]

Day 2: I wanted meat three times today. The craving was not very strong. I overate myself twice. I guess that was the reason my digestion was bad. I ate fruit and vegetables, too.


[Ballet]

[Dream]

[My Room]

I cleaned out my personal cupboard today (instead of studying). I noticed that I have a lot of journals. Nine or ten.  I guess they go back for over ten years, but I only started journaling more or less seriously when I turned fifteen. Which is ten years ago. Oh my, that makes me feel old! Not very bad old.
I arranged my journals, a few boxes and tea things in the cupboard and gave some stuff away. I really want to get rid of some things. Like my oil painting things. Some fabric. Some books and toys. It is difficult because my opinion changes all the time. One day I feel I don't need some things anymore, while the next day I want to keep it for old times' sake, to remember something. Or because I think I might need it again later. For example, I never thought about my red velvet bedspread or my sleeping doll in the last year. Yet when I discovered them in a box I couln't bear the thought of giving them away. The bedspread was so rich in color and texture and the doll so cuddly and sweet... maybe I will have to go through all my stuff every six months or so and sort out what I don't need anymore. With time I will grow and be able to let go more things, and my interests will change, too.

30 day challenge - vegetarian

What new habit(s) can I commit to maintaining for the next 30 days?
Not eat meat or fish at all.


What will this do for me if I succeed?
Good for the animals and the planet.
Good for my health.
Raise my vibration and increase my psychic abilities.



When will I begin this 30-day challenge?
On Monday 7. June


How will I reward myself after 30 days of success?
Buy a new Wardrobe!

Feeling abundance

From my pc journal, the first entry. In a template by S. Pavlina

[Finances]

[Wealth]

What experience do I wish to document?
Holding gold and platinum in my hands.


When and where did this experience occur?
Dienstag, 1. Juni 2010


What did I perceive?

I saw golden grains shining in my palm...
I heard the sound of golden grains touching each other
I felt small cool beads running through my fingers...
I smelled nothing...
I tasted nothing...

Who was involved?
I and my class.

What do I think about this experience?
I think it was significant and wonderful.


How do I feel about this experience?
I feel good about it.


How did this experience affect me?
For the first time in my life I felt wealth/abundance (financial mostly, also sensory) very intensely.


How did this experience affect others?
Dunno


Why did this experience occur?
I believe it was because I needed it to help me feel rich.


What do I want to remember about this experience?
The feeling of wealth and abundance while holding fine gold in my hands.

New Start

Actually, this introduction to my blog is being written in September 2012.

I switched from a pc to a mac, and my pc journal software doesn't run on mac.
So I decided to put all my old entries on my blog, which was started long ago, but had been wiped clean because the old blog was horrible. I had changed so much, it no longer mattered.

I am going to leave the entries intact, just remove names and places where necessary.

It's going to be interesting to see my development in the past years.

In 2010 I was still a student. I was very interested in personal development and trying out some things suggested on the Pavlinas' sites, including psychic experiments. I was up and down, back and forth. Law of attraction, which is big for me in 2012, I had only begun to grasp a little then. I wrote in German a lot. Should anybody ever want a translation, ask me.

This blog is for me, a journal. I hope I can be open in it. Readers are of course welcome.