Twilight Ballet

This morning the weather was glorious. I had been hoping for better weather, but this exceeded my expectations. It was cool and windy, however.

I believe it was tonight that I rearranged the patio, did some cleaning and then tried to stand on my Franklin balls. I was braced for them to burst, but they held. And I didn't fall down as expected, but  could hold myself more or less. Then I warmed up a little and practiced ballet, a whole class. There were people on Tino's verandah whom I couldn't see because of the screen, but they could probably see me. This motivated me to do everything very neatly and not sloppily, even though it was strenuous. It was a little like a performance. I like having people watch me train. I like showing what I can do. I stretched thoroughly in the end. My split had become a little worse, but my feet were really nice instead. While I was dancing it grew steadily darker. I enjoyed it very much.

Afterwards I showered and we had dinner. I think I read Harry Potter 6.

Outing to V

Astonishingly, I woke before eight. I even did the love meditation. Then, when we had finished eating at last, I changed and cleaned the whole house. Afterwards Sina and I went to the beach. It was noon, but because it was still cloudy this didn't bother me. Today, there were less waves than the day before yesterday, but lots of seaweed instead, and jumping fish. A beginner surfer was trying his luck as well, and we dove into a few waves again. When we got back I showered thoroughly and put on lotion, then I made hamburgers for tea.

Unfortunately I didn't have time to sleep today because we wanted to drive to V. Diane stayed home with Tibby, but I smartened up and went along. First we went to the market, where we got cheese and sun-dried tomatoes, and then we strolled along the main street. I got myself some more or less pretty flip flops (navy blue with golden hearts) and postcards. Sina of course had to look at every jewelry shop and Mam found the clothes intriguing.

I enjoyed the town, the temperature was agreeable. The white pavement, palm trees and white houses, the park and the view of the sea were simply beautiful. Once we'd had enough, we went back to get Diane. We went to Mezzaluna again, where I was really dissatisfied for the first time. The food was bad, the service worse and I almost fell asleep because we had to wait so long for the waiter. If only we weren't such creatures of habit and would try a new restaurant sometimes! But then one would have to risk, to dare something.
Some day I'll go to the thermal spring of Vals where R was this summer. And on the Queen Mary II in any case!

Teresa wrote saying she was better. She didn't mention her diagnosis. It's going to be good, I guess.

Grey Day and Writing my Story

It was cloudy today and sometimes raining a little. I woke at twenty minutes past eight and wanted to practice ballet, but during the night I'd become tense and was feeling totally un-fit. At breakfast we had an argument. Everybody told me I was unfriendly and nagging and scolding all the time. I felt very lonely and trapped, surrounded by barbarians. Why can't we be a little more normal?

After breakfast I practiced with the Franklin book and the balls. I was completely tense and lying on the balls hurt a lot, but afterwards I felt clear and well in my hips and pelvis. I'd been doing the iliopsoas exercises. In between I was drawing: the chakras in a person and things that make me feel rich, like martinis, macaroons, MAC brushes, croissants and Chanel perfume.

It was so windy and sullen that we didn't go to the beach. For lunch Diane made pasta with cream sauce and I ate too much, even though it wasn't good. Afterwards I was dead tired and slept a little. At this time the weather was at its stormiest. When I woke up, this feeling I had to take care of was back. This time was better, especially the second time.

Then I at last read this fragment of my story I had taken along intending to type it. It was tinily written, probably during a lecture. I rewrote it by hand because Papa had the laptop. And because I didn't want to write everything out in case somebody read it, I wrote the names in Tengwar. Suddenly, the desire came up to really learn and practice Tengwar again. Sadly I didn't have anything with me, so I had to make up a small table from memory.

Then I also practiced a little ballet, and was half embarrassed about Tino and the Germans who might have seen me, and half happy about it. I practiced pirouettes, adagio, grands battements, tendus and stretches. The story was haunting my thoughts, so after dinner I went on writing it. I showered and got ready, but when I was lying in bed I was so awake that I continued writing. It flowed well and I wrote and wrote, but when I read through it, it was much too short. The characters didn't seem credible. A shadow of that longing feeling I got when reading the fan fictions made itself felt. I wanted to fantasize and 'thinking-game' about it, but fell asleep.

A Feeling from the Past

6 September:
Today, I was very tired. It was warm and sunny. I didn't go to the beach with the others when they left in the afternoon. I was lying in bed and got this Ayas-last-year-feeling, this time with L. I hadn't read the whole book, but something had stayed with me nonetheless. I took action against it, too. During that, I was feeling an incredible pressure, like a strong itch. But the culmination was only a shallow wave, very disappointing. Then I slept for a short time. In the evening we went to Mezzaluna for supper.
7 September:
Today, it was hot again. This time I got up earlier. After breakfast Sina and I went to the beach. There were large waves, and we dived into the most beautiful ones. That was great fun. Then after lunch I lay down again. This feeling came up again, and again I did something against it (this time it was similar to yesterday) and took a short nap.
For dinner there was fish barbecue. Papa had once again bought much too much after promising the opposite. GRRR. It seems like an addiction to me. As if he got into a shopping frenzy where he had to buy ever beautiful feeling from the past and every hope for the future in the form of an object. I don't know what I can do against it. What I can do for him.

I was reading a lot in my ballet books and got a strong desire to dance. But because I don't want to get dirty I'm postponing it to tomorrow.

Playing a beautiful Day

Gargano
Today was a beautiful day. I was woken early by Tibby, but then I went to sleep again for a few hours. Eventually I got up. I had slept well and enough. Papa was already there and we all prepared breakfast together. I was wearing my blue plaid dress and feeling well-groomed and well dressed (except my hair which still needed washing.)

After breakfast the parents went shopping and I unpacked my things and organised our house. I am especially proud of my idea to use the clotheshorse as a garden gate. In this way, Tibby can run around freely in the house and on the verandah and everybody is content.
It got really hot. But that didn't bother me much, because I had been wishing for summer again as you know. I just didn't move much and drank cold water. Then I put on make-up and when the parents got home I did the dishes (we made a plan so everyone does them in turn). Then I did a pedicure and right after that we ate a snack and then went to the beach. Diane took Tibby at first, but he was very afraid and she eventually stayed on the beach with him. There lots of children came wanting to play with him, it was really droll to watch. But later, there came an even bigger attraction: A white rabbit on a leash which was skipping around in the sand. That was really funny and in a way grotesque to watch.

I stayed in the water for a long time, first with Sina and then with Mam. I was practicing a little ballet and noticed that in water you can really find the right dynamics of port de bras; especially the hands and the slight lag, and also the resistance.

Then we all went home again and showered. I put on lotion everywhere, as if I were slender and beautiful. Because I have to behave as if I were everything I want to be to attract it.
Mam and Papa said we should cook at our place and they would come over to eat. It was great fun planning a meal and cooking with Sina, and having 'guests'. In general I think having a little house of one's own and being able to organise and tidy up and cook etc. is great. We made Pasta with aurora sauce and for dessert I made a fruit salad. It was a nice evening. Diane had to do the dishes and I was reading to her (the book was mostly stupid). Then I grew tired, went to bed and read a little in a ballet book. Even though I was interested I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep.

The day was beautiful because we have a pretty little house where I get to 'keep house';because the weather was fine; we didn't fight; I felt grown-up and well and awake; because it was the first day.
But I wasn't conscious, I was acting a part and enjoying it. I was playing this part before myself; I doubt moreover that Diane and Sina payed me enough attention to notice.