Back home...

I just had a long conversation with Mam. She comforted me when I was suddenly afraid for a moment.

The drive was tedious today. In Italy, it was still ok, but there were misunderstandings all the time and Papa was often overaroused and totally overreacting accordingly. I found that terrible. It ruined the drive for me, the last part of the holidays. I was in part really wishing we'd have a fatal accident. I didn't want to arrive, didn't want to continue my professional life. I wanted to keep that "escapist" feeling I had on holiday. That suspension of identity, time and place. In that state, I can walk around with sunglasses and painted lips, which I would be embarrassed about in B, because many people know me otherwise. In that state, I can eat deep-fried mozzarella sticks standing in front of a roadhouse and gossip loudly because nobody understands.

Half Way, Rimini

This night, I had been dreaming something that got me into an at-home-mood upon waking up. I don't know what it was, but somehow I felt like at home, a slight unrest.

We ate breakfast and packed and scurried etc., it was very hot. Much later than planned (12 instead of 10 o'clock) we left. I savoured the drive through Gargano to the fullest one last time. We all agreed that it was very beautiful there.

We got on smoothly and were in Rimini as early as six. There we checked into our hotel and then went for a walk along the beach. Sina was looking for her hotel from her school trip, but it was too far away. We went back to the hotel, browsing in tourist shops on the way. I spontaneously got a hip veil/belt for Mam with tinkling coins, as a Christmas gift and an encouragement to start belly dancing. Then I also got a hand-reading from a fortune-teller machine, just for fun.

We ate at a restaurant close by the hotel, Almoccolo. It was very good, but the portions were huge. The seafood was incredible. We were offered Limoncino in the end and toasted our beautiful holidays. I liked that. We are, despite everything, a good family!

After that, full and satisfied, we went back to the hotel to sleep. I washed my hair and then read some Scotland Street.

Many Partings

Today, I woke at seven. I got up and left the village, because I wanted to enjoy the new sun and the morning atmosphere once more. Then I went straight back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. So many thoughts about my studies and my future were worrying me. I faced them, and visualized better circumstances and a better mood, until I eventually felt as if I were at peace with this matter. Then I fell asleep and woke again at nine. We had breakfast and Mam and Papa drove to the market. I got the computer and wrote down all the days.
It's very hot right now.

Later, I ate something, then we went to the beach at some point. Papa embarrassed me by singing, Sina didn't wait for me and eventually, I got annoyed waiting for Mam. I indulged in ballet jumps in the water once more, extensions, turning and diving and floating. Then I left.

At home, I showered and began packing a few things. But then I saw the sun, which was setting golden-red. I got myself a nectarine and sat down on Mam's patio, where you could see the sunset nicely. It was peaceful and beautiful and I savoured it. Mam and Papa were there and we spoke a little together, and it was good.

Then I packed and got ready. We ate at Mezzaluna, and I ordered white profiteroles which were very yummy. At home, I also ate ice cream, even though I was essentially full, because I wanted to say goodbye to it again. After, I browsed a little in the Ballet Companion and then went to sleep.

(This entry was translated from German)

Just another Day

This morning, the parents and Sina went to V. I stayed at home and did some fantasizing, then I did the dishes and made stewed peaches. After that I fantasized some more until a beautiful culmination. The second one wasn't as beautiful.

I was reading ballet books, at first in bed, but then I thought it a waste missing this fine day, so I dressed warmly and went on reading on the patio. It wasn't cold, but in the shade and wind it was rather cool. Because I had eaten a lot for breakfast I wasn't hungry when we went to the beach in the afternoon. The water was very cold, but this time I dared to dive under a little sooner. Sina came too, but we didn't play together anymore. Then she went back because she was cold. Mam came too, and also Diane with Tibby. Diane came into the water while Mam was holding him on the beach. He was whimpering heart-rendingly, but Diane swam with me a little and we played tag, and she did some ballet. I am always slightly afraid she might be better than I. Well, her legs may, for anatomical reasons, go higher than mine, but my technique is logically much better.


Later, Mam came back and Tibby played with a dog on the beach, very cute. Mam and I went home last. I showered and put on lotion and then I was so incredibly hungry and annoyed by Papa who was making bean and lentil salads at our place. So I went over to Mam and got myself some ice cream. We had dinner a little later. There were grilled lamb steaks (very yummy) and quails. I only tried a bite of the quails, it was very aromatic, but somehow I had reservations about eating them, because I find quails so cute and used to want to keep some. For dessert there was more ice cream. I had sawed off the top of the ice cream container to make it fit into our freezer, which has the perfect ice cream temperature. Sadly, Mam dropped the ice cream on serving it, and of course it fell out. Diane and Sina were screaming with laughter, but I found it gross that she just put it back in the container.

While we were fumigating the rooms with insect spray we were sitting in the living room and Sina did me the favour of looking at the ballet books a little with me. A few days earlier, I had left them there on purpose, hoping that Diane and Sina would look at them. At least Sina did it, which made me happy. Afterwards I was reading a little, but the book was falling out of my hands and I put out the light.

Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o'clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn't go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn't trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love... Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.


At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn't dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn't even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn't buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a 'sweet pain'.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant 'Box 19' in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we've been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn't drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.

Jazz by the Harbour

12 September:
Today it was fine and windy and cool again. I was reading and lying around and eating and maybe swimming. After all, the beauty of it is having the days merge and intertwine because you have time.

13 September:
I have been reading lots of Harry Potter. Tonight, we went to V. At first we wandered about aimlessly, annoying each other. Then we went to a restaurant near the seashell museum. It lay at a street directly by the sea. Wicker sofas and coffee tables stood out front, and there was jazz playing. The tableau was gorgeous. I imagined myself in the future, slender and beautiful and elegantly dressed, with my companion, there on the sofa with the jazz and a cocktail. I'd be coming from the Palace hotel. That was a beautiful image.

The restaurant was nearly empty, we were sitting on an overgrown wooden balcony high above the harbor. You could see the lighthouse. The food was good, but sadly we didn't quite get what we ordered (fish instead of prawns), but it didn't bother me.

Afterwards we walked through the park and strolled around a little until w'd found a gelateria that had good chairs for me. There I got my first real Italian gelateria ice cream. I chose pistachio and peach-mango because I had been imagining green and red ice cream. It was almost too watery in part, yummy, but no highlight.

Then we went home. I read Harry Potte and it was so dramatic and exciting just then that I read until six in the morning. Especially Snape's lot really touched me. I always sympathise so much with tragic heroes. But Harry's willingness to die was also extremely sad and beautiful. Especially when he was asking his mother to stay with him.

I think the whole hysteria is stupid, the movies etc. The books are exciting, partly original, partly too English, partly boring or absurd. I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but it is a good story even though much of it is 'borrowed'