Let down

Today, Marina was supposed to come to AS with me. I had been looking forward to it so much! But then she wrote to me saying she couldn't, and whether it was okay to come next week. I was so disappointed! But at least she is coming next week. I will just be able to make it before we leave for Italy. The good thing is, next week Sika will be there again, who does the class with music. Marina said she preferred that, and after the elementary class today I think that might be better. Maurice explains less, demonstrates more. He does other things extremely well, though! He teaches us the arms correctly and has us practice things we did wrong. The beginner's class was wonderful! I fairly floated out of the class! I also thanked him and told him he gave beautiful classes. 

I let myself get intimidated again and again by people who put their leg up on the barre before class, or look balletic, or are quite good at the barre. Most of them leave after the elementary class already or get lost in centre, like today. I did quite ok. I am beginning to feel comfortable with changes of direction, ports de bras, concepts like en dehors/en dedans. I was definitely in the better half, maybe even quarter!

Well, it's already late. I have that trial class tomorrow. I need to sleep immediately.

Oh, by the way, Mam is away. Is it normal for me to feel so alone, at 25, when she isn't home?

I was on the ballet tram (thank you Universe!) and also did a little sous-sus when nobody was watching. Because there are wooden railings. And I bought myself Chanel No.19 EdT at last! My first real perfume!
And Mam is interested in correct make-up technique! I'd never have guessed!

(This entry has been translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange sometimes.)

Summer Ending

Last night I downloaded those songs. They make me so sad, beautifully sad but also painfully so.

I suddenly feel like summer is over. It grows dark sooner, and as soon as it gets dark my heart grows heavy. I try to fight against the depression. I'm trying to live in the now and to stop worrying and not to 'order' stress by being afraid of it and imagining it vividly. But I often do. And that stresses me even more! It is ruining my holidays! It's annoying!

On Saturday I have a trial class for adults. I am nervous because it is an intermediate class. But the lady on the phone said I should come. I want to be brave and go. Perhaps it will be great!

Today, it was fine and hot. Maybe the last time here in S. So I arranged for Charlene, Marina and me to go to lake G to swim and have a picknick. On my way, driving through the country in the bus, I was listening to my new music. I got a little sad, but tried to consciously associate the music with beauty. It was warm and sunny, clear and dry. The trees and meadows were green green green, the sky was blue blue blue, the clouds like fine veils, like freshly washed hair. For a moment I was so happy! I somehow almost cried with joy, but in some way also from pain. It was a perfect day!
G is a pretty village. I met Marina and Charlene and we found a place to have our picknick. Unfortunately, they had no desire to make a fire or to eat a little more elaborately. They just had sandwiches. I ate and then wanted to go swimming. The others said they would maybe come later. So I went alone. At first it was cold, but then it was wonderful! Being in the water was wonderful. I still had 'Three Wishes' in my head and was floating/dancing through the water. I dared to more or less do what I wanted, namely diving, turning, port de bras in the water, floating. All around me was the beautiful green countryside, above me the blue sky with the wind-blown clouds. It was just plain beautiful.

Charlene and Marina were sitting there talking. Once I asked them whether they wanted to come, but they didn't want to at all. They had a little party in the evening and didn't want to get lake water on themselves. I was a little disappointed, but only a little. We left again rather soon. We parted at the main station. On my way home I bought some small macaroons. Gossip Girl made me think of macaroons. I feel rich when I buy or eat them.

In the evening I went to ballet class. It was ok, but the diplomat's daughter or something whom we were expecting didn't come. Instead a new woman came, entirely new. She couln't do anything yet. I felt almost guilty because she was so lost. Only a little proud.


(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

A Moment of Truth

Last night I stayed up again, surfing the internet. I was looking for pictures and info about C. B. It's ridiculous, really pathetic, that I, a grown-up and mature woman, am so drawn to this character. The feeling is the same as with the Elf stories and Brian: longing for something, compassion, shedding tears, allurement.

This series is for superficial teenagers! I don't even dare to admit to my sisters that I watch it! And I used to always rail against it, how superficial it was, how materialistic, ridiculous etc.

But somehow, I fall for such things. Beautiful young people in beautiful clothes in beautiful luxury environments who love, hate, hurt and make up with each other.

The story is really bad sometimes. But C and the whole B thing is interesting. I noticed that it's very similar to B and J: they are meant for each other.

But what I actually wanted to say: I was looking for the music from the scene at the C where C wants to dance with B. I like the music. When I had found it and was listening to it, I suddenly burst into tears. I felt so lonely. I was longing so much for a friend or lover (even female). I was listening to the song, crying, and trying to caress and comfort myself a little. Even if it hurt, at that moment I was finally conscious, finally 'with me' and no longer in denial. It is a nice pain, a sweet pain. Like being in love, which for me has always been unfulfilled wishes. Just that I didn't long for a certain person, but for human love in general.

I put on Charlene's necklace then, maybe it was sentimental but it made me feel less alone. I left the mood light on and the door open, and went to bed. Somehow I felt comforted. It was just a little awkward when Papa walked by and asked me what I was doing.

This morning I got up early and made bagels. Then I watched ballet and almost fell asleep, so that after breakfast I went to bed for a few more hours. This afternoon Sina and I want to clean out the fridge. Tonight I have ballet.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)