A new Class

 There was this trial class yesterday in H. I was tired and nervous. When I got there everything was still closed. Then the lady I had spoken to on the phone came, Maria Park. She let us in. The Studio is cluttered. An apple-shaped, blowsy woman was with her. She was very nice to me, but she smelled. Then a few more people turned up. Most of them have a good figure. Nobody was wearing correct attire or a bun. All of them are maybe between forty and sixty, I'd say.

The teacher had an East European accent. She was just a substitute. Even before class she began correcting the apple woman and me, and giving tips. She told us to do a relevé in parallel, then a plié. She said Pilates was good and important. She was very nice. Then everybody was there and the class began.
The combinations were not too difficult, and beautiful. I was quite good and got lots of praise. At one point during jetés the teacher stood next to me and placed my head and arm. During grands battements on my good side she praised me a lot, she even nudged me to make sure I realised it. During stretches she corrected my head in the arabesque.

In the centre I still did quite well, too. In the adagio the arms were a little unfamiliar for me, but it was easier than with Franka. For tendus we had the poses éffacé and écarté, and pas de bourrée en tournant too, through the whole class. In between, there were some embarrassing scuttling steps with exaggerated port de bras. Some ladies gave themselves up to the music, beaming. I couldn't do that. Hey, I have clean technique instead. Then pirouettes, which I couldn't do. I tried a few. Then came piqués and chainés, which I tried as well, but couldn't do them and stopped. But the teacher didn't leave me for long, she took me and the apple woman, who was much worse than me except for turns, by the hand and did the combination with us. In the end there was a port de bras and a révérence. Then everyone applauded for a very long time.

After class the teacher was hugging and kissing everybody. She also told me I'd been good, several times! Then we were in the tram together. I was talking to the apple woman. Apparently the others were talking about me to the teacher in the meantime, because she turned to me and said I had done well and "one can see that you know".

Conclusion: It was much easier than expected, actually a good level for me, to challenge me a little. The people are very nice. If it works financially I will certainly go there again some time. I have to look how it works out with time during the semester, whether I can stay with Franka twice a week. If not, this is certainly an alternative. Much better than the opera or Mic.!

The teacher was genius! She teaches at the opera, had just been at a dress rehearsal and said she had to rehearse Swan Lake next month in Serbia. From that I gather that she is well qualified. And she wasn't snobbish or anything, she taught us recreational students seriously and treated us affectionately. Unfortunately, this teacher doesn't substitute often. The normal teacher does it differently, but Maria said it wasn't necessarily more difficult. I'll look up her name on the opera website. Mina K. Studied in St.Petersburg! And Sarajevo. Primaballerina and teacher. Wow. Wow, I got praise from an ex-primaballerina!!!! Wheeeeee!!!! I'm sooooo happy right now!


It was sooo worth it to go, to try it! Am I glad I didn't shirk!

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it may sound a little strange.)

Let down

Today, Marina was supposed to come to AS with me. I had been looking forward to it so much! But then she wrote to me saying she couldn't, and whether it was okay to come next week. I was so disappointed! But at least she is coming next week. I will just be able to make it before we leave for Italy. The good thing is, next week Sika will be there again, who does the class with music. Marina said she preferred that, and after the elementary class today I think that might be better. Maurice explains less, demonstrates more. He does other things extremely well, though! He teaches us the arms correctly and has us practice things we did wrong. The beginner's class was wonderful! I fairly floated out of the class! I also thanked him and told him he gave beautiful classes. 

I let myself get intimidated again and again by people who put their leg up on the barre before class, or look balletic, or are quite good at the barre. Most of them leave after the elementary class already or get lost in centre, like today. I did quite ok. I am beginning to feel comfortable with changes of direction, ports de bras, concepts like en dehors/en dedans. I was definitely in the better half, maybe even quarter!

Well, it's already late. I have that trial class tomorrow. I need to sleep immediately.

Oh, by the way, Mam is away. Is it normal for me to feel so alone, at 25, when she isn't home?

I was on the ballet tram (thank you Universe!) and also did a little sous-sus when nobody was watching. Because there are wooden railings. And I bought myself Chanel No.19 EdT at last! My first real perfume!
And Mam is interested in correct make-up technique! I'd never have guessed!

(This entry has been translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange sometimes.)

Summer Ending

Last night I downloaded those songs. They make me so sad, beautifully sad but also painfully so.

I suddenly feel like summer is over. It grows dark sooner, and as soon as it gets dark my heart grows heavy. I try to fight against the depression. I'm trying to live in the now and to stop worrying and not to 'order' stress by being afraid of it and imagining it vividly. But I often do. And that stresses me even more! It is ruining my holidays! It's annoying!

On Saturday I have a trial class for adults. I am nervous because it is an intermediate class. But the lady on the phone said I should come. I want to be brave and go. Perhaps it will be great!

Today, it was fine and hot. Maybe the last time here in S. So I arranged for Charlene, Marina and me to go to lake G to swim and have a picknick. On my way, driving through the country in the bus, I was listening to my new music. I got a little sad, but tried to consciously associate the music with beauty. It was warm and sunny, clear and dry. The trees and meadows were green green green, the sky was blue blue blue, the clouds like fine veils, like freshly washed hair. For a moment I was so happy! I somehow almost cried with joy, but in some way also from pain. It was a perfect day!
G is a pretty village. I met Marina and Charlene and we found a place to have our picknick. Unfortunately, they had no desire to make a fire or to eat a little more elaborately. They just had sandwiches. I ate and then wanted to go swimming. The others said they would maybe come later. So I went alone. At first it was cold, but then it was wonderful! Being in the water was wonderful. I still had 'Three Wishes' in my head and was floating/dancing through the water. I dared to more or less do what I wanted, namely diving, turning, port de bras in the water, floating. All around me was the beautiful green countryside, above me the blue sky with the wind-blown clouds. It was just plain beautiful.

Charlene and Marina were sitting there talking. Once I asked them whether they wanted to come, but they didn't want to at all. They had a little party in the evening and didn't want to get lake water on themselves. I was a little disappointed, but only a little. We left again rather soon. We parted at the main station. On my way home I bought some small macaroons. Gossip Girl made me think of macaroons. I feel rich when I buy or eat them.

In the evening I went to ballet class. It was ok, but the diplomat's daughter or something whom we were expecting didn't come. Instead a new woman came, entirely new. She couln't do anything yet. I felt almost guilty because she was so lost. Only a little proud.


(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

A Moment of Truth

Last night I stayed up again, surfing the internet. I was looking for pictures and info about C. B. It's ridiculous, really pathetic, that I, a grown-up and mature woman, am so drawn to this character. The feeling is the same as with the Elf stories and Brian: longing for something, compassion, shedding tears, allurement.

This series is for superficial teenagers! I don't even dare to admit to my sisters that I watch it! And I used to always rail against it, how superficial it was, how materialistic, ridiculous etc.

But somehow, I fall for such things. Beautiful young people in beautiful clothes in beautiful luxury environments who love, hate, hurt and make up with each other.

The story is really bad sometimes. But C and the whole B thing is interesting. I noticed that it's very similar to B and J: they are meant for each other.

But what I actually wanted to say: I was looking for the music from the scene at the C where C wants to dance with B. I like the music. When I had found it and was listening to it, I suddenly burst into tears. I felt so lonely. I was longing so much for a friend or lover (even female). I was listening to the song, crying, and trying to caress and comfort myself a little. Even if it hurt, at that moment I was finally conscious, finally 'with me' and no longer in denial. It is a nice pain, a sweet pain. Like being in love, which for me has always been unfulfilled wishes. Just that I didn't long for a certain person, but for human love in general.

I put on Charlene's necklace then, maybe it was sentimental but it made me feel less alone. I left the mood light on and the door open, and went to bed. Somehow I felt comforted. It was just a little awkward when Papa walked by and asked me what I was doing.

This morning I got up early and made bagels. Then I watched ballet and almost fell asleep, so that after breakfast I went to bed for a few more hours. This afternoon Sina and I want to clean out the fridge. Tonight I have ballet.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Friends and an embarrassing new Obsession

On Monday, ballet class was great. I felt hardly any soreness, felt like the best dancer and worked hard on my arms and head.
Yesterday however, everything hurt. In adagio I managed the arabesque piqué on demi-pointe. But my feet hurt a lot. Franca said that I didn't have bad feet when I told her about the workshop teachers comment about my feet. Then she watched closely whether I pointed well and said it must have been the greater speed.

Today Charlene and Marina came. We made chocolates. What makes me happy: Marina will come with me to ballet next Friday. Unfortunately Maurice will teach, but oh well.
I felt farther away from Charlene than ever. She gave me a necklace with a leaf pendant. Although we are so similar in parts I feel less comfortable with her than with Marina. That makes me sad. Cooking was stressful for me. I didn't want to make raspberry chocolates, but I gave in.

Now I will admit it: I have been watching Gossip Girl for three weeks. I have already seen all the episodes. At the moment I am rewatching them because I didn't consciously follow the relation between Blair and Chuck in the beginning. Something about Chuck appeals to me incredibly. He is "evil", rich, sexy, ridiculous in a way, and to be pitied. I can't describe it, but he captivates me similarly to Brian from QaF. Well, if you think about it, he resembles him a lot.

I started it when I had finished tidying up my room at last. All I wanted to do was lie around and watch something. But all the other series I knew of didn't really hold interest for me, except How I met your Mother, and with that I stumbled upon GG. In a way I had always been curious to watch it some time. And when I see beautiful and rich people I feel more beautiful and rich, too. So I told myself: You are curious, plus it could help you concentrate on beauty and abundance.

 (This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Ballet workshop weekend

I am back from the ballet workshop weekend! It was great. I got a "shot in the arm", a great motivation.
The teacher said I was more secure and stable, and that Nicole and I were quite advanced for our two years of ballet.
To do: He said I could have beautiful feet! If I stretched my instep and worked through my foot more. And I should work on arms and head/gaze, all the things that give dance expression and quality.
That was also what I spotted immediately when we were watching a taped performance. The dancer who had been at a great academy had a captivating expression in the simplest of movements, and that was only partly due to her great body/line. Bille said it was the arms that were always slightly lagging behind, like an echo.

Nicole said I was good. That I was doing everything very cleanly and correctly.
Kathy said I had nice feet. Nicole, too. And Kathy's feet are not more flexible than mine. I couldn't tell whether they were worse or not because her slippers were too big. It pleased me very much. My feet may not be great, but at all events they are better than I always believe. If I find them more beautiful now, and use them better, they will only get nicer! My extensions were not bad either, compared to Kathy and Nicole's.

We were a group of dancers. We talked about ballet. We watched ballet. The teacher got recognised about town, and all of us with our buns got recognised as dancers. That was wonderful! It fulfilled my wish of telling everybody that I love and dance ballet.

The classes were quite good. In part too fast, in part agonisingly slow. In any case interesting, different and challenging. Having good dancers before, behind and next to me was inspiring, but also intimidating.

Oh, by the way, I found the Bloch Pro Arch at G. They are very comfy and flattering. What a coincidence that the only pair they had fit me! That was the universe, I am sure. Somehow I had been expecting to find those slippers there.

And just now Kathy sent me such a nice email:

Hi Alienor,

I hope you made it to the train station on time! I kept thinking of you because of the traffic jam on the highway and hoping you made it!

Yesterday I immediately took myself to the bathtub, did the washing and let hubby make dinner. :)I went early to bed and slept like a log. Today I'm feeling my legs and my achilles tendons quite a bit, but it's going to be ok. Today I'm going to do absolutely nothing, but tomorrow I will take the last class from my card with a guest teacher from New York. I'm so curious/excited, I'm telling you! And until then I'll certainly feel better.

Tanja (C. From the Forums) told me to say hi. She wrote me the following: "Say hi to Alienor from me. I hardly 'know' her, but she always comes across as very nice on the forums." :)

Well, that's done. :)

I also wanted to tell you how happy your compliment made me at our parting. It's nice that you feel comfortable in my presence. That makes me happy! But people as nice as you make it easy to be kind to them. Because you are a great person. With great feet. See, even the teacher said that. :)
I would be very happy if you came to another such workshop sometimes. If it ever takes place in M you can stay with us!

Love, and hope to talk soon - it was nice with you!

Kathy

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

Snippets

1 August:
I am in a strange lazy-hazy mood. Am watching Chatter Girl all day long, lying on my bed on a heap of pillows. I feel disconnected from the world. It is rainy.

4 August:
I had to get up at 6 a.m. And go to the W hospital. Toby B was there.
I had a good ballet class. I did all the pointe exercises en demi. Mam will come and watch next week.

5 August:
Second day of W hospital. It is interesting. It challenges me. It makes me appreciate my free time more. Only one more day.

6 August:
Last day of W hospital. It was a good thing for me to do. I feel more alive and conscious. Too much free time makes me waste it.

AS ballet classes went very well. I could hold my own in the beginner level for once. The last few times I was mostly struggling with the speed, but this time it went well. We did some killer exercises. That is good, I need to be fit next weekend. Workshop!!!!

8 August:
I plucked my eyebrows. It hurt a lot, but they are beautiful now. It does make a huge difference in my face. I feel prettier and more elegant and well-groomed. I am grateful to have enough eyebrow hair that naturally grows in a nice arch. All I had to do is thin it a little and accentuate the arch.

I also determined my currant skin type: combination skin, blemish-prone and slightly sun-damaged, with maybe Rosacea (it is sensitive). I am grateful that the bumps, redness and large pores are going away now.

9 August:
Ballet class was ok. I was in pain during the barre. Still sore maybe, or still cold. I am so looking forward to Mam's visit to the school on Wednesday! I imagined her sitting there all the time today. I hope Franca says something nice about me to her. But maybe not too much, in front of everybody. I hope there will not be too many girls. More than 5 like today, but less than 12.
I hope Mam sees what I want her to see: the hard work, the beauty, the joy. I hope she doesn't wear 'prejudice glasses'. I hope she doesn't wish for the class to end.

I want to be thin and light. I still think like I was taught: eating makes me fat. Now everytime I eat I think about the fact that eating makes me happy and happiness makes me thin.

I intend for a bottle of Chanel No.19 parfum to come into my life. I love the scent. And what I read about it makes me want it all the more: assertive, bold, elegant, all the traits I sometimes have and want to have.

I took out our waffle iron and made American waffles today. They are like pancakes. A little boring. They always eat waffles on Chatter Girl, and it reminded me of our waffle iron that we never used, so I tried it. I also made a martini yesterday. It was ok, but I would like something more sweet.

10 August:
I just made vegetable lasagna with Diane and Sina. It is in the oven now. I slept till 11 o'clock. Maybe I will make Belgian waffles this afternoon.