Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o'clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn't go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn't trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love... Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.


At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn't dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn't even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn't buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a 'sweet pain'.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant 'Box 19' in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we've been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn't drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.

Jazz by the Harbour

12 September:
Today it was fine and windy and cool again. I was reading and lying around and eating and maybe swimming. After all, the beauty of it is having the days merge and intertwine because you have time.

13 September:
I have been reading lots of Harry Potter. Tonight, we went to V. At first we wandered about aimlessly, annoying each other. Then we went to a restaurant near the seashell museum. It lay at a street directly by the sea. Wicker sofas and coffee tables stood out front, and there was jazz playing. The tableau was gorgeous. I imagined myself in the future, slender and beautiful and elegantly dressed, with my companion, there on the sofa with the jazz and a cocktail. I'd be coming from the Palace hotel. That was a beautiful image.

The restaurant was nearly empty, we were sitting on an overgrown wooden balcony high above the harbor. You could see the lighthouse. The food was good, but sadly we didn't quite get what we ordered (fish instead of prawns), but it didn't bother me.

Afterwards we walked through the park and strolled around a little until w'd found a gelateria that had good chairs for me. There I got my first real Italian gelateria ice cream. I chose pistachio and peach-mango because I had been imagining green and red ice cream. It was almost too watery in part, yummy, but no highlight.

Then we went home. I read Harry Potte and it was so dramatic and exciting just then that I read until six in the morning. Especially Snape's lot really touched me. I always sympathise so much with tragic heroes. But Harry's willingness to die was also extremely sad and beautiful. Especially when he was asking his mother to stay with him.

I think the whole hysteria is stupid, the movies etc. The books are exciting, partly original, partly too English, partly boring or absurd. I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but it is a good story even though much of it is 'borrowed'

Twilight Ballet

This morning the weather was glorious. I had been hoping for better weather, but this exceeded my expectations. It was cool and windy, however.

I believe it was tonight that I rearranged the patio, did some cleaning and then tried to stand on my Franklin balls. I was braced for them to burst, but they held. And I didn't fall down as expected, but  could hold myself more or less. Then I warmed up a little and practiced ballet, a whole class. There were people on Tino's verandah whom I couldn't see because of the screen, but they could probably see me. This motivated me to do everything very neatly and not sloppily, even though it was strenuous. It was a little like a performance. I like having people watch me train. I like showing what I can do. I stretched thoroughly in the end. My split had become a little worse, but my feet were really nice instead. While I was dancing it grew steadily darker. I enjoyed it very much.

Afterwards I showered and we had dinner. I think I read Harry Potter 6.

Outing to V

Astonishingly, I woke before eight. I even did the love meditation. Then, when we had finished eating at last, I changed and cleaned the whole house. Afterwards Sina and I went to the beach. It was noon, but because it was still cloudy this didn't bother me. Today, there were less waves than the day before yesterday, but lots of seaweed instead, and jumping fish. A beginner surfer was trying his luck as well, and we dove into a few waves again. When we got back I showered thoroughly and put on lotion, then I made hamburgers for tea.

Unfortunately I didn't have time to sleep today because we wanted to drive to V. Diane stayed home with Tibby, but I smartened up and went along. First we went to the market, where we got cheese and sun-dried tomatoes, and then we strolled along the main street. I got myself some more or less pretty flip flops (navy blue with golden hearts) and postcards. Sina of course had to look at every jewelry shop and Mam found the clothes intriguing.

I enjoyed the town, the temperature was agreeable. The white pavement, palm trees and white houses, the park and the view of the sea were simply beautiful. Once we'd had enough, we went back to get Diane. We went to Mezzaluna again, where I was really dissatisfied for the first time. The food was bad, the service worse and I almost fell asleep because we had to wait so long for the waiter. If only we weren't such creatures of habit and would try a new restaurant sometimes! But then one would have to risk, to dare something.
Some day I'll go to the thermal spring of Vals where R was this summer. And on the Queen Mary II in any case!

Teresa wrote saying she was better. She didn't mention her diagnosis. It's going to be good, I guess.

Grey Day and Writing my Story

It was cloudy today and sometimes raining a little. I woke at twenty minutes past eight and wanted to practice ballet, but during the night I'd become tense and was feeling totally un-fit. At breakfast we had an argument. Everybody told me I was unfriendly and nagging and scolding all the time. I felt very lonely and trapped, surrounded by barbarians. Why can't we be a little more normal?

After breakfast I practiced with the Franklin book and the balls. I was completely tense and lying on the balls hurt a lot, but afterwards I felt clear and well in my hips and pelvis. I'd been doing the iliopsoas exercises. In between I was drawing: the chakras in a person and things that make me feel rich, like martinis, macaroons, MAC brushes, croissants and Chanel perfume.

It was so windy and sullen that we didn't go to the beach. For lunch Diane made pasta with cream sauce and I ate too much, even though it wasn't good. Afterwards I was dead tired and slept a little. At this time the weather was at its stormiest. When I woke up, this feeling I had to take care of was back. This time was better, especially the second time.

Then I at last read this fragment of my story I had taken along intending to type it. It was tinily written, probably during a lecture. I rewrote it by hand because Papa had the laptop. And because I didn't want to write everything out in case somebody read it, I wrote the names in Tengwar. Suddenly, the desire came up to really learn and practice Tengwar again. Sadly I didn't have anything with me, so I had to make up a small table from memory.

Then I also practiced a little ballet, and was half embarrassed about Tino and the Germans who might have seen me, and half happy about it. I practiced pirouettes, adagio, grands battements, tendus and stretches. The story was haunting my thoughts, so after dinner I went on writing it. I showered and got ready, but when I was lying in bed I was so awake that I continued writing. It flowed well and I wrote and wrote, but when I read through it, it was much too short. The characters didn't seem credible. A shadow of that longing feeling I got when reading the fan fictions made itself felt. I wanted to fantasize and 'thinking-game' about it, but fell asleep.

A Feeling from the Past

6 September:
Today, I was very tired. It was warm and sunny. I didn't go to the beach with the others when they left in the afternoon. I was lying in bed and got this Ayas-last-year-feeling, this time with L. I hadn't read the whole book, but something had stayed with me nonetheless. I took action against it, too. During that, I was feeling an incredible pressure, like a strong itch. But the culmination was only a shallow wave, very disappointing. Then I slept for a short time. In the evening we went to Mezzaluna for supper.
7 September:
Today, it was hot again. This time I got up earlier. After breakfast Sina and I went to the beach. There were large waves, and we dived into the most beautiful ones. That was great fun. Then after lunch I lay down again. This feeling came up again, and again I did something against it (this time it was similar to yesterday) and took a short nap.
For dinner there was fish barbecue. Papa had once again bought much too much after promising the opposite. GRRR. It seems like an addiction to me. As if he got into a shopping frenzy where he had to buy ever beautiful feeling from the past and every hope for the future in the form of an object. I don't know what I can do against it. What I can do for him.

I was reading a lot in my ballet books and got a strong desire to dance. But because I don't want to get dirty I'm postponing it to tomorrow.

Playing a beautiful Day

Gargano
Today was a beautiful day. I was woken early by Tibby, but then I went to sleep again for a few hours. Eventually I got up. I had slept well and enough. Papa was already there and we all prepared breakfast together. I was wearing my blue plaid dress and feeling well-groomed and well dressed (except my hair which still needed washing.)

After breakfast the parents went shopping and I unpacked my things and organised our house. I am especially proud of my idea to use the clotheshorse as a garden gate. In this way, Tibby can run around freely in the house and on the verandah and everybody is content.
It got really hot. But that didn't bother me much, because I had been wishing for summer again as you know. I just didn't move much and drank cold water. Then I put on make-up and when the parents got home I did the dishes (we made a plan so everyone does them in turn). Then I did a pedicure and right after that we ate a snack and then went to the beach. Diane took Tibby at first, but he was very afraid and she eventually stayed on the beach with him. There lots of children came wanting to play with him, it was really droll to watch. But later, there came an even bigger attraction: A white rabbit on a leash which was skipping around in the sand. That was really funny and in a way grotesque to watch.

I stayed in the water for a long time, first with Sina and then with Mam. I was practicing a little ballet and noticed that in water you can really find the right dynamics of port de bras; especially the hands and the slight lag, and also the resistance.

Then we all went home again and showered. I put on lotion everywhere, as if I were slender and beautiful. Because I have to behave as if I were everything I want to be to attract it.
Mam and Papa said we should cook at our place and they would come over to eat. It was great fun planning a meal and cooking with Sina, and having 'guests'. In general I think having a little house of one's own and being able to organise and tidy up and cook etc. is great. We made Pasta with aurora sauce and for dessert I made a fruit salad. It was a nice evening. Diane had to do the dishes and I was reading to her (the book was mostly stupid). Then I grew tired, went to bed and read a little in a ballet book. Even though I was interested I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep.

The day was beautiful because we have a pretty little house where I get to 'keep house';because the weather was fine; we didn't fight; I felt grown-up and well and awake; because it was the first day.
But I wasn't conscious, I was acting a part and enjoying it. I was playing this part before myself; I doubt moreover that Diane and Sina payed me enough attention to notice.