Petrified

I have spent a frustrating week. I wasted so much time because I was afraid to study. I had some nice moments too, like the afternoon in Es and the afternoon in Bi and the day full of tea and thunderstorms.

Yesterday, I had an amazing class. It wasn't that I was particularly good, I just felt challenged and inspired in equal measures. I had the intention to just go for it and I did it. It was so nice and I really had the feeling that I was dancing.

But then I got home and ate much too much and felt sick and lethargic. I became extremely tired and went to bed and slept for some hours. Then tonight I slept for about 9 hours again. I don't know whether it has anything to do with my asking my guides, hs and angels to reach me and teach me and work on me to make me more open, conscious and to reach my goals.

Oh, how I wish it was easter sunday again! And how I wish I could enjoy AND use my free time more! I just seem to sit for hours at my computer, living vicariously through forums and blogs, learning things about life by only reading about them instead of living them. I am so afraid of bad feelings, doubt, failure etc, that I am petrified! I feel cut off from the world, trying to hide my fears. I feel deaf and blind, like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Nothing is secure, I feel uprooted. Questions like "Where am I going to work, where am I going to live, how much am I going to earn, who is going to be with me?" are all still unanswered. There is a bend in the road of my life and it is approaching fast and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner. It is unsettling! I hate that state.
Now I'm crying. I felt those tears inside me for some time. Maybe the feelings will pass once I aknowledge them. But it hurts, I am afraid..

I cried for a few minutes. I felt fear, stress, anger, insecurity. I also think I felt a presence behind me, very subtly, I just knew somebody was there to comfort me. Maybe I just imagined it because I have been reading about angels. But I firmly believe in them and it is so comforting! I feel calmer now. Mam is having coffee and I'm going to join her, have tea and chocolate and be with my family for a while. It will do me good.

Then I will prepare for my job interview and then I will study! It will be good and all my heavenly helpers will help me!

A Dream. And a Wish

I just have to quickly write down my dream: I was sitting somewhere, next to me sat Dan. He was reading in Diane's small ring file, which was mine. It was a kind of diary or album, with ballet pictures, entries by me etc. We were sitting together in a friendly fashion and I had apparently given him permission to read it, and he apparently wanted to. From time to time, he came very near to me, so that our cheeks touched or almost, but I sensed a kind of aura and whenever it touched me, I thrilled. I was feeling this excitement that I rarely feel, which goes through my whole body. At first I was hiding it, but then it got so strong that I kind of breathed out loudly, tremblingly. I was thinking, why is he torturing me so if he isn't interested in me. And I wanted him to know how I felt.

Then he came on a page where something along the lines of "What makes me happy or helps me go on when everything is bad" was written. Under it stood "Kilian". In the dream, it was logical that Dan was meant by that. He read it and I read it and got a little frightened because I had forgotten it was standing there. Then he came close to me again and kissed me on the cheek, very tenderly. I felt a great joy and knew that he wanted me and that we were now officially in love. It seemed logical to me that he was now my boyfriend.

Then I dreamed other things, but again and again in the middle of things I remembered Dan and told everybody that I had a boyfriend now. I was only a little embarrassed.

The dream was first of all wonderfully beautiful because I was so happy. And secondly, I knew for sure upon waking: I want a man. Now. Not some time when I am thin. I want a boyfriend now, and a real romantic relationship. I am prepared to work on being less shy. I immediately placed an order. And then, because I had woken too early, I spun the story further, up to a real kiss and a promise. And I was wrestling with myself, but eventually I managed to give something as well in that scene, and not just receive; I laid my hand on the nape of his neck while kissing, and pulled him a little closer. My hand, as it is now. I find that incredibly erotic, by the way, when I see it or imagine it. So, Universe, send me a man who is ideal for me right now. During the autumn semester or around Christmas time.

(Translated from German)

Ich muss einfach schnell meinen Traum aufschreiben: ich sass irendwo, neben mir sass Dan. Er las in Dianes kleinem Ringbuch, das mir gehörte. Es war eine Art Tagebuch oder Album, mit Ballettbildern, Einträgen etc von mir. Wir sassen freundlich beisammen und ich hatte ihm offenbar erlaubt, es zu lesen und er wollte offenbar. Ab und zu kam er mir ganz nah, so dass unsere Wangen sich berührten oder fast, aber ich spürte eine Art Aura und immer wenn sie mich berührte, erschauderte ich. Ich spürte diese Erregung, die ich selten spüre, die durch den ganzen Körper geht. Zuerst verbarg ich es, doch dann wurde es so stark, dass ich irgenwie laut zitternd ausatmete. Ich dachte, wieso quält er mich so, wenn er nichts von mir will. Und ich wollte, dass er weiss, wie ich fühle.
Dann kam er auf eine Seite, auf der etwas stand im Sinne von: was mich glücklich macht oder mir hilft, weiterzumachen wenn alles schlimm ist. Darunter stand unter anderem Kilian. Im traum war es logisch, dass Dan gemeint war. Er las es und ich auch und erschrak ein bisschen, weil ich vergessen hatte, dass es da stand. Dann kam er mir wieder nahe und küsste mich auf die Wange, ganz zärtlich. Ich spürte eine grosse Freude und wusste, dass er mich wollte und dass wir jetzt offiziell verliebt waren. Es schien mir logisch, dass er nun mein Freund war.
Danach träumte ich andere Dinge, aber immer wieder mitten im Geschehen erinnerte ich mich an Dan und sagte allen, ich hätte nun einen Freund. Es war mir nur wenig peinlich.

Der Traum war erstens wunderschön, weil ich so glücklich war. Und zweitens wusste ich beim Aufwachen genau: Ich will einen Mann. Jetzt. Nicht irgenwann, wenn ich dann mal schlank bin. Ich will jetzt einen Freund und eine echte Liebesbeziehung. Ich will auch daran arbeiten, weniger schüchtern zu sein. Ich gab sofort die Bestellung auf. Und dann, weil ich zu früh erwacht war, spann ich die Szene weiter bis zu einem richtigen Kuss und einem Versprechen. Und ich kämpfte mit mir, aber schliesslich konnte ich in der Szene auch etwas geben und nicht nur empfangen, ich legte meine Hand in seinen Nacken beim Küssen und zog ihn ein wenig heran. Meine Hand, wie sie jetzt ist. Das finde ich übrigens unglaublich erotisch, wenn ich das sehe oder mir vorstelle. Also Universum: Schick mir einen Mann, der jetzt gerade ideal für mich ist. Innerhalb des Herbstsemesters oder um die Weihnachtszeit.

Petulant

Last week I was ill and lying in front of the tv all day from Monday to Thursday. Although I wasn't feeling well, I totally enjoyed it somehow.

I want my Finis Jhung DVDs.

I don't want to work.

I want friends.

I want to be slender and dance en pointe and jump!!!

I want to become brilliant and rich and famous.

I want a partner you can go through thick and thin with!

I want to be loved and wanted by my family!

I want to be beautiful and share beauty.

Back home...

I just had a long conversation with Mam. She comforted me when I was suddenly afraid for a moment.

The drive was tedious today. In Italy, it was still ok, but there were misunderstandings all the time and Papa was often overaroused and totally overreacting accordingly. I found that terrible. It ruined the drive for me, the last part of the holidays. I was in part really wishing we'd have a fatal accident. I didn't want to arrive, didn't want to continue my professional life. I wanted to keep that "escapist" feeling I had on holiday. That suspension of identity, time and place. In that state, I can walk around with sunglasses and painted lips, which I would be embarrassed about in B, because many people know me otherwise. In that state, I can eat deep-fried mozzarella sticks standing in front of a roadhouse and gossip loudly because nobody understands.

Half Way, Rimini

This night, I had been dreaming something that got me into an at-home-mood upon waking up. I don't know what it was, but somehow I felt like at home, a slight unrest.

We ate breakfast and packed and scurried etc., it was very hot. Much later than planned (12 instead of 10 o'clock) we left. I savoured the drive through Gargano to the fullest one last time. We all agreed that it was very beautiful there.

We got on smoothly and were in Rimini as early as six. There we checked into our hotel and then went for a walk along the beach. Sina was looking for her hotel from her school trip, but it was too far away. We went back to the hotel, browsing in tourist shops on the way. I spontaneously got a hip veil/belt for Mam with tinkling coins, as a Christmas gift and an encouragement to start belly dancing. Then I also got a hand-reading from a fortune-teller machine, just for fun.

We ate at a restaurant close by the hotel, Almoccolo. It was very good, but the portions were huge. The seafood was incredible. We were offered Limoncino in the end and toasted our beautiful holidays. I liked that. We are, despite everything, a good family!

After that, full and satisfied, we went back to the hotel to sleep. I washed my hair and then read some Scotland Street.

Many Partings

Today, I woke at seven. I got up and left the village, because I wanted to enjoy the new sun and the morning atmosphere once more. Then I went straight back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. So many thoughts about my studies and my future were worrying me. I faced them, and visualized better circumstances and a better mood, until I eventually felt as if I were at peace with this matter. Then I fell asleep and woke again at nine. We had breakfast and Mam and Papa drove to the market. I got the computer and wrote down all the days.
It's very hot right now.

Later, I ate something, then we went to the beach at some point. Papa embarrassed me by singing, Sina didn't wait for me and eventually, I got annoyed waiting for Mam. I indulged in ballet jumps in the water once more, extensions, turning and diving and floating. Then I left.

At home, I showered and began packing a few things. But then I saw the sun, which was setting golden-red. I got myself a nectarine and sat down on Mam's patio, where you could see the sunset nicely. It was peaceful and beautiful and I savoured it. Mam and Papa were there and we spoke a little together, and it was good.

Then I packed and got ready. We ate at Mezzaluna, and I ordered white profiteroles which were very yummy. At home, I also ate ice cream, even though I was essentially full, because I wanted to say goodbye to it again. After, I browsed a little in the Ballet Companion and then went to sleep.

(This entry was translated from German)

Just another Day

This morning, the parents and Sina went to V. I stayed at home and did some fantasizing, then I did the dishes and made stewed peaches. After that I fantasized some more until a beautiful culmination. The second one wasn't as beautiful.

I was reading ballet books, at first in bed, but then I thought it a waste missing this fine day, so I dressed warmly and went on reading on the patio. It wasn't cold, but in the shade and wind it was rather cool. Because I had eaten a lot for breakfast I wasn't hungry when we went to the beach in the afternoon. The water was very cold, but this time I dared to dive under a little sooner. Sina came too, but we didn't play together anymore. Then she went back because she was cold. Mam came too, and also Diane with Tibby. Diane came into the water while Mam was holding him on the beach. He was whimpering heart-rendingly, but Diane swam with me a little and we played tag, and she did some ballet. I am always slightly afraid she might be better than I. Well, her legs may, for anatomical reasons, go higher than mine, but my technique is logically much better.


Later, Mam came back and Tibby played with a dog on the beach, very cute. Mam and I went home last. I showered and put on lotion and then I was so incredibly hungry and annoyed by Papa who was making bean and lentil salads at our place. So I went over to Mam and got myself some ice cream. We had dinner a little later. There were grilled lamb steaks (very yummy) and quails. I only tried a bite of the quails, it was very aromatic, but somehow I had reservations about eating them, because I find quails so cute and used to want to keep some. For dessert there was more ice cream. I had sawed off the top of the ice cream container to make it fit into our freezer, which has the perfect ice cream temperature. Sadly, Mam dropped the ice cream on serving it, and of course it fell out. Diane and Sina were screaming with laughter, but I found it gross that she just put it back in the container.

While we were fumigating the rooms with insect spray we were sitting in the living room and Sina did me the favour of looking at the ballet books a little with me. A few days earlier, I had left them there on purpose, hoping that Diane and Sina would look at them. At least Sina did it, which made me happy. Afterwards I was reading a little, but the book was falling out of my hands and I put out the light.