I had the strangest ballet class this morning. I've never felt so bad in class before, not even at the opera this summer where the teacher didn't demonstrate and just mumbled a barely audible stream of complicated combinations and I was totally lost and sat out the whole centre and the class was full of pre-pros and pros.
It was a small class, only five students. This russian girl and Marianne who are less advanced than I, and Carla and Maria who are more advanced.
Our teacher, Melanie, got suddenly angry for no apparent reason other than some of us making mistakes. She stopped speaking and only demonstrated, and gave the simplest, most basic combinations like four battements en croix etc. I picked up on her anger immediately and felt really bad. I couldn't believe a teacher was behaving like this. It worried me and made me feel bad and after some time, angry.
The result was that I was at first really unconcentrated, then close to tears, even blinking while stretching, and then just plain furious. I made lots of mistakes, wich made me feel stupid and guilty for maybe feeding her anger, and that made everything worse still. One exercise I just didn't do on the left, because i felt like a fool attempting something difficult while she just stared. I didn't want to expose myself in this atmosphere.
After class, everybody left right away. I wanted to stretch and did so, even though Melanie was still there sorting her CDs. Then she came over to me.
Here I must write down something I have been wanting to write about for some time. It is important for what happened today:
Lately, while listening to beautiful music, there has been a feeling inside me, of the most intense longing. I have known it for years, but it has got so much stronger lately, so that I am often close to tears. It feels as if I want to burst, as if I want to sing and dance and jump and fly up to the sky and play all the instruments of the world at once, because the music is so powerful.
To dance is no longer enough, even if I were the best dancer in the world. I want to dissolve and BECOME the music.
When I am alone, and sometimes in class, especially when I feel unwatched, I can let myself express some of the delight of the music through my movements. It is EXQUISIT.
I love myself in those moments, and the world and all the things in it.
I have often wondered if this love is visible to others. Does Franca see it? She never comments.
Mrs. H said sometimes, when I did something like this on rare occasions, that I deeply moved her. At the time this scared me.
I don't remember what Melanie said word for word, but in essence this is what happened:
So, after this crazy class Melanie came over to me - I was stretching on the floor - and said (and she didn't sound angry at all anymore): Alienor, you work so intelligently. Much more intelligently than the others, by the way. I see that you UNDERSTAND. But your problem is that you are too shy, you are afraid.
Here I nodded. I got up. It seemed more fitting.
Then she said: You need to trust me. I trust you, Alienor. Do you trust me?
I said yes, although at the moment I was still a little angry with her. But in general, it was true.
She said: There is a dancer within you, waiting to come out. But you need to trust me and to trust yourself. Don't hide.
She had already said something like that once before, in August. It had made me very happy then.
I answered that sometimes it was difficult with my weight, sometimes I'd see myself in the mirror and not like how something looked, and then I'd hold back. I told her I was trying to lose weight.
Melanie said that she knew, and that mirrors made us look at ourselves in a bad light, only seeing faults.
She said that when she'd been a dancer, she'd been very skinny, but she STILL felt fat, and always compared herself to the girls next to her.
It was in her head. She had no self-confidence to speak of. And that she was now trying to get rid of that, and it was SO important. To appreciate yourself...
Part two of this post
It was a small class, only five students. This russian girl and Marianne who are less advanced than I, and Carla and Maria who are more advanced.
Our teacher, Melanie, got suddenly angry for no apparent reason other than some of us making mistakes. She stopped speaking and only demonstrated, and gave the simplest, most basic combinations like four battements en croix etc. I picked up on her anger immediately and felt really bad. I couldn't believe a teacher was behaving like this. It worried me and made me feel bad and after some time, angry.
The result was that I was at first really unconcentrated, then close to tears, even blinking while stretching, and then just plain furious. I made lots of mistakes, wich made me feel stupid and guilty for maybe feeding her anger, and that made everything worse still. One exercise I just didn't do on the left, because i felt like a fool attempting something difficult while she just stared. I didn't want to expose myself in this atmosphere.
After class, everybody left right away. I wanted to stretch and did so, even though Melanie was still there sorting her CDs. Then she came over to me.
Here I must write down something I have been wanting to write about for some time. It is important for what happened today:
Lately, while listening to beautiful music, there has been a feeling inside me, of the most intense longing. I have known it for years, but it has got so much stronger lately, so that I am often close to tears. It feels as if I want to burst, as if I want to sing and dance and jump and fly up to the sky and play all the instruments of the world at once, because the music is so powerful.
To dance is no longer enough, even if I were the best dancer in the world. I want to dissolve and BECOME the music.
When I am alone, and sometimes in class, especially when I feel unwatched, I can let myself express some of the delight of the music through my movements. It is EXQUISIT.
I love myself in those moments, and the world and all the things in it.
I have often wondered if this love is visible to others. Does Franca see it? She never comments.
Mrs. H said sometimes, when I did something like this on rare occasions, that I deeply moved her. At the time this scared me.
I don't remember what Melanie said word for word, but in essence this is what happened:
So, after this crazy class Melanie came over to me - I was stretching on the floor - and said (and she didn't sound angry at all anymore): Alienor, you work so intelligently. Much more intelligently than the others, by the way. I see that you UNDERSTAND. But your problem is that you are too shy, you are afraid.
Here I nodded. I got up. It seemed more fitting.
Then she said: You need to trust me. I trust you, Alienor. Do you trust me?
I said yes, although at the moment I was still a little angry with her. But in general, it was true.
She said: There is a dancer within you, waiting to come out. But you need to trust me and to trust yourself. Don't hide.
She had already said something like that once before, in August. It had made me very happy then.
I answered that sometimes it was difficult with my weight, sometimes I'd see myself in the mirror and not like how something looked, and then I'd hold back. I told her I was trying to lose weight.
Melanie said that she knew, and that mirrors made us look at ourselves in a bad light, only seeing faults.
She said that when she'd been a dancer, she'd been very skinny, but she STILL felt fat, and always compared herself to the girls next to her.
It was in her head. She had no self-confidence to speak of. And that she was now trying to get rid of that, and it was SO important. To appreciate yourself...
Part two of this post
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